Give Up

For many years I said no. No to freedom. No to passion. No to abundance. As I look back, I don't think I was even aware I was doing it. I didn't know any better. Because, who would knowingly refuse any of these things?

What I also didn't realize was that by saying no to these things I also saying to no to an intimate knowledge of God and his desire to work within and through me. Why? Because most of the time saying yes didn't make sense. And, I'm the kind of person that likes things to make sense.

I'm not saying that I never prayed or didn't believe. I did.  I had a life that pleased me and in some ways - I hope - God too. It was safe and comfortable. I did good things. I was a good person. But, I wasn't living a life of complete surrender. My joy was not complicated or courageous. 

Although I believed all the right things about God, I didn't recognize my need for Christ or my need for freedom. I was a Christian and I was a good person. I thought I was free. It wasn't until I initiated my journey of obedience, with small steps of courage and faith, that I began to see what a captive I had been to goodness, comfort, fear and doubt. I had been trying to do it on my own. God had offered me the free gift of grace and instead of accepting it without guilt or the sense of debt, I continued to try and pay him for it, to show him and everyone else that I was worthy of their love and approval. That I had earned it.

I'm still not sure exactly how or why things began to change. Except that I started to make room for him. I started to listen to that still, small voice, which even though it had been there all along, had been crowded out by those competing voices - of fear, doubt, pride, perfectionism. They had interfered with my ability to receive and take action.

My moments of obedience began with this blog and have been numerous since then. Many of them are recorded here. Some are not. In fact, there are some that I may not even be aware of. But, God is aware of them all. 

With each one has come more courage, more freedom, more willingness to give up those competing voices. To recognize that I am nothing and have nothing without God. Yet, with him...

Freedom is only possible through the finished work of Christ, 

and it lives on the other side of belief and surrender. 

- Jennie Allen, Anything

A little over a year ago, Matt and I prayed this anything prayer. Giving up everything in order to experience anything God had for us. It was difficult. And, I still find myself needing to pray it repeatedly. To remind myself that there really is freedom in surrender. If I take the time to look and listen, to push aside those competing voices, which cloud my vision and impair my ability to hear, I can see what God has done with that prayer, with our open hands.

He has filled them with new friends, plane tickets, leadership opportunities, honest conversations, SPD miracles and so much more. 

Then there are the new things, the ones that are happening right now -  a gathering of women I will be hosting at my home next month and the summer Bible study at my church...

God birthed in me the idea of gathering women from my local area together while I attended IF: Gathering in February. Before I even left the building after the last session, I sent a message to a friend who was attending an IF: Local gathering in my home town. It said this:

God has really impressed upon me that we need a vision for unleashing IF in [our city]. I don't want to let another year go by without gathering women from churches together to talk about how to make Christ known in our city. I would love to get together to discuss with anyone who is interested. It may be that you have something you're doing that's already working that you want to share, so people can join you. It may be that you have an idea that you want to see become a reality. It may be that you don't know what to do but you know something needs to be done. Whatever it is, we need to be together on it, because we will be stronger that way!

As a result of a series of steps and missteps, I will be hosting about a dozen women - who serve in different churches in my area - in my home in mid-July. My vision is for this to be a time for us to get to know each other - our passions, areas of ministry, gifts and dreams. It will also be a time to share ideas, resources and conversation. I am excited to see what God will do through this group and beyond.

But, before that happens, I will begin leading a Bible study at my own church. I led a study last year and was blessed by the experience. This year, God asked me not only to lead, but also to write my own study. My initial response...But, I have not studied the Bible formally. I have never written my own study. Part of anything, right?

I still don't know what this will look like. And, these past few weeks, as I've attempted to prepare to lead, I've been wrestling with some hard stuff. Internal dialogue. Those voices again. But, God continues to speak, as I strain to hear his voice. He has said, I created this. I will sustain it.

So, now I'm praying anything...for this study and July gathering, waiting to see what God will do. How will he sustain and what will he produce with his creations?

Are you willing to pray anything? To give up your life? He has promised freedom, redemption and restoration when you do.