In Memory

Several months ago, a good friend of mine lost her husband, BC, tragically. Saturday, December 1st, would have been his 36th birthday.

Although I didn't know him well, and cannot grieve like my friend and her family do, I still grieve for lost opportunities, the chances we may have had to know him, to connect, and to grow in friendship with him. I also grieve for the loss my friend and her family are experiencing.

Shortly after BC died, I heard the song, the Hurt and the Healer, by Mercy Me, on the radio. I didn't just hear it once, it seemed like I heard it every time I got in my car or tuned into the music station on the tv.

The words. They made a huge impression on me. So, I did something I don't think I had ever done before. I sent my friend a link to the song. It touched her. In fact, she used it as part of a video photo collage she and her sister put together to be shown after the funeral.

I don't want to say too much about this song because I want you to listen and develop your connection to it, get your own meaning from it. Every time I hear it, the lyrics speak to me in a different way.

Join me in prayer today and through this weekend for BC's family and friends, for those who knew him well. That they would honor him, not in the same way that they would typically on his birthday, but in a way that stirs memories and celebrates life. Pray that they would find healing in the midst of hurt.

The Marriage Clause

Last week, M and I celebrated the 18th anniversary of our first date. I'm always excited when I remember something like that. It's one of those days that we don't often think about, but is still significant. I mean, without the first, there would be no us.

To commemorate the occasion, the girls decided it would be fun to recreate our date. Fortunately, our first date was dinner and a movie. Although I couldn't remember where we ate that night, I know that we saw The Santa Clause in the theater. Also, fortunate for us, we own that movie.

The girls created several movie posters, for a variety of Christmas movies, and posted them in our hallway. They made tickets and set up a nice space in the living room, where all of us could watch the film. M and I started in the hallway, making a decision about which movie we would watch. Once we had chosen the movie, we got our tickets and were escorted to the theater. We had a dinner picnic in our living room and watched the movie together. It was fun!

Celebrating this special day got me thinking about other milestones that have occurred during the past 18 years of M and my relationship. I first thought of when M went away for college. Since he was only three hours away, we typically went two to three weeks in between our visits with each other. However, the first stretch of time was six weeks!

I recall feelings of anxiety and uncertainty as I rode into the train/bus station, when I visited him after those first six weeks. I was so worried that things would be different. That I would see him and wouldn't feel the same way I had six weeks before.

It seems silly to think of that now. But, at the time, it was a real concern. What did I know about maintaining a relationship across miles? Nothing.

I think of this, and other incidents, as the fine print of our relationship. There are many of these things, the unexpected situations or feelings, that occur in a marriage or relationship. These are those "other duties as assigned" that often come at the end of a job description, as a way to include anything and everything not already stated.

When I entered into this relationship, this marriage, I didn't know what M would or wouldn't become. I didn't know what I would become, either. I had no knowledge of the fine print. That we would have a child with special needs. That he would become the owner of a business with an office out of town. That we would experience car accidents, a miscarriage, a home break-in. I married him. These clauses were added after the fact.

Maybe that's why part of the traditional marriage ceremony says, for better or worse. The better or worse version of us or the person we married. The better or worse fine print.

In our Sunday school class we have been studying the cast of Christmas. Taking a deeper look at the characters that were involved in the Christmas story. It has been very interesting to look at this familiar story from the viewpoint of each individual character and to see the role each one played. What struck me this past Sunday, was the description of the Christmas story as a love story, specifically between Mary and Joseph, and God. What an amazing love they had for each other. And, talk about fine print. Mary and Joseph had no idea what they would encounter on their journey. All they knew was that it was planned by God, for them. They trusted, loved and obeyed.

"Happiness in marriage is not about finding a spouse who always acts the way we want them to. 

It is about two imperfect people trusting in a perfect God and conforming to His will and purpose for them. 

That's a marriage God can bless!" - Joyce Meyer

As the years pass, there will be other issues, situations, and feelings that arise. While there are some that I can anticipate, can prepare for, there are many that I cannot. What I can say, with confidence, is that when the fine print comes, we will read it and figure it out together, as a couple. As a team.

 

Linking up with Love is a Choice.
The first song in This Week's Music was on every mix-tape M ever made me.  I got one every year for Valentine's Day, from 1995 to 2000.  The second is one of my favorite Christmas songs, Mary Did You Know,  which seemed appropriate for today's post.

I Wasn't There. He Was.

Missed opportunities. Failed attempts. Feelings of inadequacy, again.

Because, I wasn't there. I wasn't available for a friend, when she needed me. What if I would have been? What ifs, again.

I am one of those people that takes on the burdens of others. I want to help. I want to be used by God.

Jesus said, "Come to me all who are weary...I will give you rest."

He didn't say, "Go to your friends." Although, we tend to take their burdens.

He said, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

He didn't say, "Your friends will be available to you always." He can do so much more than we can even imagine.

I must remember. It is not me doing the real work. I am a servant of God. I am simply a vessel that He chooses to use, at times. He certainly can do it on His own, without me.

So, while I wish I would've been there, could have answered my phone for that important phone call, I wasn't. I can't change it. There must have been a reason for it.

Today at church, I was reminded of the different names for God. He is known as the healer, provider, and creator. However, the two that struck me the most were El Roi and Immanuel. The God who sees me and God with us. The God of this universe sees our situations, he knows our hurts, our afflictions. And, He is with us, daily. He is present, always.

I am confident that I will be chosen again. That God will use me at some other point in the future. Although I still feel guilty for being unavailable when needed by a friend, I don't think I missed an opportunity, or even that I failed. If I am presented with a chance to minister, and deny God the opportunity to work through me, only then have I missed it.

But, the truth is, I have been and continue to be willing to take advantage of those opportunities. I have been seeking them out. Maybe God needed to reestablish for me that He is the one that is working. Possibly, through me. Or, through someone or something else.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. - 2 Corinthians 4:7 (NLT)

Enter His Gates

FOUND THIS THANKSGIVING PRINTABLE ON PINTEREST

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. We hosted 27 people at our home. What I loved about this crowd, was that it was made up of not only members from my immediate and extended family, but friends that we have adopted as our own. 
That's one thing I remember about my family and the holidays when I was growing up, inviting friends who were without family, for various reason, into our home. This is one tradition that I have attempted to continue each year since I was married and had a family of my own, always looking for those who may need a place to land on the holidays.

I want my kids to understand that our family is not just those people who we are related to, but anyone we invite into our home. They become our family.
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ.  This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasures. Ephesians 1:5
God has adopted us. We are a part of His family. For this I am most grateful.
Now that Thanksgiving is over and we are heading into the Christmas season, I am planning to continue the spirit of Thanksgiving, to give to others and be thankful for my many blessings.

GOT A BOUNCE HOUSE. THE KIDS ARE STILL THANKING ME

Enter his gates with Thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise.  Give thanks to him and praise his name. Psalms 100:4

Loving, When its Hard

How is it possible to feel such a strong dislike for a person you don't even know, have never met? I guess the same way that it's possible to sing someone's praises when you don't know them personally. Because, you've heard about them from others, have been witness to their actions, have read something they've written.

There is someone very close to me, let's call her Ann, who is experiencing hurt in her life. The kind of hurt that comes from mistreatment. Not a physical abuse, but an emotional one. When I hear stories about the individual, who has been treating her so poorly, my mind automatically goes to anger, to hate. Although I have not experienced this hurt directly, the way it hurts Ann has led my heart to be hard towards a person I only know by name, and through the lens of Ann's experience with her.

This past Sunday morning, I was challenged. As I sat and listened to a sermon related to telling God's story, I heard these three words repeatedly, "pray for her." So, I started praying for the ones who sat near me, about the situations I knew they were struggling with. Then came the three words again, with a sense that I was choosing the wrong her.

"But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! 

Do good to those who hate you." - Luke 6:27 (NLT)

As a Christian, I have been called to share God's story, to show his love, to everyone. Not just to those I love or find to be good people, but everyone. Even those that are hard to love, those that have hurt us or the ones we love. I must admit, even though I am not a hateful person, I do tend to ignore or separate myself from those who have caused hurt, to pretend like they don't exist. While this is not hate, it is certainly not love.

But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! - Matthew 5:44 (NLT)

Sunday's message came from 2 Corinthians 5:16-21. Here were some of the speaker's main points based on that scripture passage:

• God's story brings new life. With Him, the old has gone, meaning it is no longer remembered. The guilt, shame and fear from the past disappears.
• Through Jesus we were made into the righteousness of God.
• As God's people we are called to tell His story, to be an example of new life, to demonstrate His power, and to explain His ways.

Pray for her. For her salvation. For her to accept God's story. For her to experience a new life.

But, Lord, how can I pray for her? She has done and said so many hurtful things, without regard for others, without guilt or shame. Pray for her.

While there are certain versions of the Bible I prefer to read from, I often go to The Message when I want a more modern interpretation of the wisdom of the scripture. I love how The Message interprets Jesus' words in Matthew 5:43-47:

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out 

of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? 

Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that." - Matthew 5:43-47 (MSG)

Pray for her. Love her. Even though it's hard.

Okay. Here goes.

Lessons from Fire

SOURCE:  WWW.RECULTURED.COM

Fire. Fireplace. Campfire. So warm, comforting. Makes me think of cozying up in a blanket, resting, renewing my soul.

How do you keep a fire burning? Unless of course you have a modern fireplace, like we do, which you can turn off and on with a switch, you must continue to add fuel and stoke the fire, otherwise the flame and the warmth it provides will fade.

Currently, I feel like I have too many fires burning. They all need attention. I can't let them burn out, because their warmth is needed by someone or something. How do you decide...which fire is most important or needs the most attention, who/what needs to be kept the warmest?

Unfortunately for me, the fire which has been taking much of my attention lately is my work fire. Although I don't feel that this fire is the most important, when compared with my family, church, and other commitments, it is the one that seems to need the most fuel and prodding to continue burning. This leaves me feeling empty and tired at the end of the day.

Also unfortunate, is the fact that this work fire is the least interesting to me. It's flames are weak and it's color is not vibrant. When I look at my family fire, I see sparks of light, that need a place to land. It needs more stability to burn to it's fullest potential. I also look at the blog fire, which seems artificial, lately. Filled, but with less substance.

All these fire analogies got me thinking about fire safety, and what I was taught in elementary school. What to do in case you ever find yourself on fire. I'm sure you remember. Three simple words. Stop. Drop. Roll.

In October, when I attended a women's retreat, the speaker, gave us a new way of looking at these three words. She said this: Stop...negative thoughts. Drop...to your knees in prayer. Roll...your cares to Him. At the time, I thought it seemed a little silly and simplistic. But, I wrote it down anyway. Now, I'm thinking, with the way life seems to be right now, simple is good.

In the Old Testament, God is likened to a devouring and consuming fire several times. Also, in the story of Pentecost, in the book of Acts, the author speaks of the Holy Spirit settling on the people, in the appearance of flames or tongues of fire. Fire is also known to be cleansing and purifying.

So, here's what I make of all this:
1. Stay with the basics. Stop. Drop. Roll. Simple, yet effective.
2. Let God be the all consuming fire. Let Him fan the flames, keep the other fires burning when you can't.
3. Don't let those little sparks go unnoticed. Recognize their need for nurturing, for more attention.
4. Don't give up on those fires that provide beauty. We need their beauty, especially during the times when the other fires are barely burning.

How do you keep all your fires burning?

Absolutely Uncertain

Meltdown. In the morning. At night. Lately, our life has been filled with these.

Also, filling our lives these days. The phrase..."I will never do xyz again!" It sounds extreme. It is. Yet, I have heard this countless times over the past few weeks - maybe months - from O. Things that fill the xyz slot are: eating dinner, going potty, getting dressed, washing hair, going to school, etc.

Why so many absolutes? I'm really not sure. But, I have some ideas:

My stress causes those around me to feel stressed. I just think the kids can sense it.

I also know, when I am moving quickly from one activity to another, without a real plan, I tend to expect more from the kids, while at the same time involving them less in the process. For example, instead of giving O the choice of what clothes to wear, in an effort to save time, I choose them. Most days, this does not save time, and often creates behaviors, as he attempts to gain a sense of control.

Along with my need to speed up the processes, little tasks of life, is my desire for my kids to think, move and respond faster. My kids are not fast-movers. They need time. And, when not given that time, react in unfavorable ways. Did you know that a good rule of thumb after giving a direction, is to wait 5-10 seconds for a response? I know this, but haven't been doing it. On those stress-filled busy days, those few seconds seem like a lifetime.

The change in seasons, teachers, the anticipation of the upcoming holidays also have had an impact on O's ability to cope with everyday life. When things are not stable, he looks for stability and predictability anyway he can.

Because of all these changes and stressors, we should doing more sensory-related play and exercise. Unfortunately, I'm certain we have been doing less.

Why? Sometimes I just forget. How is that possible?

Life. I read recently an analogy about life, which distinguished between Life with an uppercase L and life with lowercase l. The big L was defined as basic, general life principals. The little l as our own lives. The writer was explaining her struggle with living out the little l, as a reflection of what she believes about the big L.

I'd like to use that analogy, with a twist. My big L is everything - the whole of life. All the things I do, combined. And, the little l is those things that I sometimes forget, but which are necessary in order to have more successful, fulfilling big L. Things like eating well, exercise, planning ahead, prayer, taking our time, providing choices, and sensory activities. I'm sure there are more.

Maybe that's the problem. There are so many things that consume the little l that some are bound to be forgotten. Unfortunately for me, depending on what's forgotten, that big L just gets crazy. We get more meltdowns, more absolutes.

I used to cross stitch. I would pick out these beautiful patterns, but often didn't have the patience to see the product through to the end. It took time, and many individual stitches to make the picture just right. If one stitch was in the wrong place, was the wrong color, or was forgotten, the value of the whole was impaired. It just didn't look right. 
Life's little stitches have not been hitting their mark lately.

Solutions? I'm still processing.

Letters to Kindergarten: Who are You?

When I let myself think about O starting kindergarten, I am terrified. It overwhelms me to think of all the hurdles he will encounter. If it were any other child, one of my students instead of my own son, I would have a list of solutions to possible problems already. But, lately, I just can't get past the fear.

So, in a effort to make this logical rather than emotional, I decided try a strategy that I use when making goals and plans for my students...think about things from their perspective. What are they thinking? How would they react and why?

So, I started thinking about what O would say, if he had the chance, to kindergarten. And, this series was born. This is the first of many letters I will write to kindergarten, from O's perspective. To ask questions. To discover solutions.

Dear Kindergarten,
My mom keeps telling me that I will be going to see you after I am five. When we go to my sisters' school, mom points to a playground and tells me, "that's kindergarten." I say, "I don't want to go to kindergarten."

Everyone in my family seems so excited for me to go to kindergarten. They tell me about the things I will do. It sounds like too much.

I know that I will learn about letters and numbers in kindergarten. I like those. I already know the letters and can make words with them. Some of my favorite words are...trains, cars, Thomas. Do you like those words? What if I don't like the words you teach me?

I have also been told that I can bring my own snack to school. That makes me happy. Maybe I will bring goldfish or angry bird graham crackers. Will there be people that give me food to try in kindergarten? I hope not. That's too hard.

My sister tells me there will be lots of new friends in kindergarten. But, I already have friends, at MY school. And, I know that "lots" is too many. I don't like having too many friends. Plus, I don't know these new friends. Will they sit too close to me? What will they smell like? Will they ask me lots of questions? Will they be loud?

I know I will have a new teacher in kindergarten. I like MY teacher. Her name is Miss Katie. When she is gone, I don't like it. It is hard to meet new teachers. Sometimes they want me to talk or sing or eat things I don't want to eat. I want my mom to tell my new teacher all the things I don't like and all the things that are too hard. I hope she does. I will tell her lots of times, just to make sure.

Kindergarten, do you have circle time or centers? What about computers? I really like those. What color carpets do you have? Will there be a special square for me? Red and blue are my favorite colors. Maybe, you will have a red or blue square for me. I know you have recess. I saw the playground. Will I have to go on the slide? Because, the slide is too hard for me. Do you have bikes? I like those.

You can see, I have a lot of questions. I want to know who you are, kindergarten.

From,
O


Linked with Tuesday Baby Link Up

Good Enough

I spent last weekend at a cheer competition, watching groups, of mostly girls, compete against each other. They needed to be better, jump higher, and have less mistakes than their rival teams. I say that winning doesn't matter. But, when I'm sitting there, watching my daughter put out her best effort, only to get third place, against teams that she had beaten the day before, that "we're better than that" feeling starts creeping into my mind. I know, it's a competition. But, why can't we be satisfied with third place? Wasn't it enough for that day, that performance?

Then, there's O. I look at him daily, knowing that there will be times in life when his best won't be enough for some. I watched him remain calm in the midst of crowded space, loud music, and visual chaos (aka cheer competition) and was really very proud. But, something kept gnawing at me...it's not enough. I kept wishing he could do all those things without his headphones and the distraction of an iPhone. Why wasn't it enough that he could do it at all?  

Several weeks ago, the pastor at my church shared a song, performed by Jimmy Needham, entitled, Clear the Stage. The song speaks of idols, about what we put before God, or in place of Him.The words of the song were so powerful... Anything I put before my God is an idol. Anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol.

Here are some of the things that I have been thinking of recently, which have been eating away at my confidence, and have led me to that "I'm not good enough" feeling:
1. That "cool" mom, the one that everyone likes, didn't say hi to me.

2. That other blogger, she has more followers than I do. 3. My son has special needs. I can't take that away. 4. I don't have anything planned for dinner. Again! 5. My pants are too tight, yet the Halloween candy tastes so good. 6. My sink is full of dishes. Again! 7. Walking through my house is like walking through an obstacle course, navigating through piles of laundry and toys. 8. Instead of cleaning up the piles, I sit on the couch and stare at them.

Am I making these tasks, my kids, this blog, looking good, and being right, my idols?

Unfortunately, I think the answer is yes.
Maybe that's why I barely make it through each week, exhausted. Not because I'm doing too much, but because I'm trying to do each thing too well, trying to be good enough in everything.

As I write this, I am wondering why I have spent so much time thinking about what it means to be "good enough." Thinking about why some people, at times this includes me, feel inadequate or incompetent or as if they have failed to meet others' expectations. When the only opinion that really matters, is that of our Creator. I don't have to be good enough. You don't have to be good enough. Because, He is...

We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are

qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. - 2 Corinthians 3:4, 5 (NLT)

For more encouraging words from the scripture, check out this link at What Christians Want To Know

Settled, Shattered, Seeking

There is fragility in everything. Potential for brokenness. In relationships. In family. In marriage.

Did you know that you can hold an egg in your hand, squeeze it with great force, and it will not break. Not unless you are wearing a ring or have something else in your hand that creates a specific pressure point. It is that point of force, that is different from the rest, that causes the egg to break. I wouldn't have believed it, except I've seen it done.

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. 

My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." (Jesus' words in John 10:10)

I'm fairly certain that this is my first post about marriage. And, there probably won't be many more. Because, although I have revealed countless personal stories here, I've never felt right about letting you into my marriage. Even now, I will speak very generically, in hopes of getting my point across without speaking about that which is too personal, too intimate.

M and I attended our first marriage seminar last weekend. It was presented by Thrive in Marriage. While much of what was presented I had either read or heard before, there were also many new concepts and insights that were presented, focusing on the Biblical perspective of marriage, which I have been meditating on and have been attempting to put into practice.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

The weeks leading up to this seminar had been rough. There was division and disconnection in our marriage. There were pressure points that threatened to shatter what we had come to know. We had spoken of our differences and had committed individually to pray for our marriage and our family. To seek guidance for our vision, our purpose as a couple and as a parenting team.

So, it was very interesting to me when the first topic on the first night of the seminar was titled, The Power of Vision. As part of being engaged in this vision, the leader described seven necessary components. Three of these seven, that resonated the most with me, were...eagerness to do God's will, obedience to God's challenges, and living in love of others.

Why is this so interesting, so enlightening? I have been writing about seeking God's will, being obedient to his challenges and loving others. I had also been asked to write a guest post on how loving my neighbor begins at home. But, I had really not thought about these things in the context of my marriage. While I had shared my visions and inspirations with M, I had not considered how these could be our visions, not just my own.

Through this seminar, I also discovered how much my opinion matters to my husband. How much my words and actions impact him. Where do these words and actions begin? With my beliefs. With what I choose to see. Therefore, I must believe God's opinion of my husband. So, how does God see my M? The same way he sees all of us who have chosen to follow Him. To Him, we are holy and dearly loved. Righteous. Saints. Warriors, clothed in His armor. And, nothing can separate us from His love.

When we start looking at our spouses, kids, friends, enemies, even ourselves, this way, there is huge potential for change. I've experienced it.

One of my former college professors and a spiritual mentor wrote this recently, "There is a crucial difference between acceptance of the will of God and resignation. Resignation says, 'This is my situation. I can do nothing about it...' Acceptance of God’s will says, 'True this is my situation at the moment...But I will open my hand to accept willingly whatever a loving Father sends knowing that He will work this for my benefit in the long run. The best is yet to be.' Accepting the will of God never slams the door on hope."

I had resigned myself to the fact that our marriage, our family, was all it could be. There was no point in changing it. While it wasn't perfect, it was comfortable. But, it's not okay for us to live comfortably. Our life should be abundant, as God designed it, and we should fulfill our obligation to love and bless others. We need to choose power and possibility. Not just as individuals, but as a team.

MY WARRIOR. DEARLY LOVED.

Linking up with Love is a Choice.