Until Next Time

There are so many things that I want to say in this, my 300th post. But, first, I want you to know how hard this is for me to write. This post comes after much prayer, reflection and gut-wrenching tears.

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about many of the questions I have been struggling with lately. Questions related to the direction that my career, this blog, my ministry - to name a few - may take me. Since that time, I have continued reading the book, Restless, and journaling my story - the pleasures, suffering, gifts, people and places that have impacted me.

Quote from Restless, p. 109

I have also been praying and making attempts to empty myself of my selfish desires, while at the same time, being open to what God has planned for me. This has been a difficult process. The more I emptied, the more broken I became. The more I sought clarity, the more confused I was. It was heart-breaking and mending all at the same time.

Also within the last two weeks, I have decided to participate in the 40-day challenge through Overcome the Lie. I participated in this challenge last spring and was blessed by the experience. Part of the challenge last spring was a 40-day fast, from something of your choosing. (You can read about last year's fasting experience here and here). 
As I thought about what to give up for the upcoming challenge, what became clear to me was that God was asking me to give up blogging, at least for those 40-days. As a way of reevaluating what this space is about and if it is something that I should continue to put my time, energy and heart into.

This is not an easy decision for me. To give up this space, even if only for a specified period of time will be difficult. Through this blog, I have been blessed in so many ways. Without this space I would never have...

- Gotten to know so many wonderful people -

- Had the opportunity to speak in front of over 400 women -

- Found two godly women to join in Bible study -

- Desired to become fashionable and actually enjoy how I look most days -

- Shared in birth stories and watched so many adorable babies grow as their mothers learn to care for them and themselves -

- Been able to share my faith so boldly -

- Learned many things about myself, some of which I knew before, but never admitted -

- Had a place to reflect on the reality of having a child that is different and all that that means, or has meant for me -

- Been able to say what I wanted without the fear of being judged -

- Learned that I may not actually be that different from the average woman -

But, there have also been some things about blogging that have negatively affected me, by consuming my thoughts and causing me to view my worth through number of comments and pageview stats. Through blogging, I've also...

- Become addicted to more involved in social media -

- Begun to think of my life in terms of blog posts, tweets and FB status updates -

- Woken up early to check emails, stats, etc - only to be disappointed by a limited to something that I poured my heart into -

 - Compared myself more with others -

- Wondered obsessed about how to get more interaction with the people I am writing for -

Writing is wonderful. Blogging is exhausting. Rereading what I write and feeling proud and impressed at the words that I spoke onto the page is energizing. Thinking about how to promote those words so others will read them too is draining.

I'm not sure how to continue blogging without doing some of these things. But, I'm also not sure that I'm ready to stop altogether. That's what this next 40-days is for. For me to speak to God, daily. Then, listen to what He has to say to me about this space. After all, it was His vision to begin with.

I also want you to know that during this time I do not intend to give up or take a break from the relationships I've made through blogging. I will still be reading and commenting on all my favorite blogs. I will be still reachable by email, and will be posting lots of photos on Instagram (of course). You will also see me posting or making appearances on a few other blogs this month, since I had already made the commitments to sponsor and/or guest post.

Now, as I leave this space quiet for the next 40-days, I have thought a lot about what the last words of this post should be. As usual, the word of God speaks the truth better than I ever could. So, I will leave you with the two verses that have inspired me lately...

Because your love is better than life, my lips with glorify you.

Psalm 63:3

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13

Evolving

I wrote down the definition of the word evolution several weeks ago. I noted all it's synonyms and antonyms. Not sure when or how I would use them, except that it struck me. That word. Evolution.

MADE AT WORDLE.NET

My husband calls himself a misfit. He recognizes the importance of looking at things differently than most, taking an unconventional approach to business and to life in general. Being married to him has helped me to evolve, to expand the range of my thoughts. When you are a misfit, you don't just think outside the box, you eliminate the box. Sometimes, this is good.

This is one of the conversations that M and I had during our trip to Huntington Beach earlier this month. How we'd changed. Together. 
We first met when I was 17 and he was 14. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 16. Obviously we have both changed...a lot. Change happens. But, change with growth and improvement, that's evolution.

Even when I look at the me from just one year ago, I see how I have evolved. In so many areas. There is boldness where there used to be embarrassment and inhibition. There is confidence where there used to be insecurity and trepidation.

So many things have changed. Yet, there is still room for more that is different. The only alternative is being stagnant. Lacking progress. That is not an option for me.

Evolution is not just about change, it's about progress. Change for the better. Change with a purpose. We can't grow without change. And, we can't know the possibilities until we try something new. Right?

Come and See

I have missed church for the last four weeks. First, I had a sick child. Then, I was out of town two weekends in a row. Finally, last Sunday, I was sick. Even though I know that church is not the only place where I can meet Jesus, I don't like missing it. 
Fortunately, an audio of the sermons from each week are available online. Three weeks ago, our pastor began a series in the book of John, and I didn't want to miss any of it. So, each week, I have listened to the sermon online. It's not the same as being in church, but it's better than nothing. 
I just finished listening to last week's sermon. The passage of scripture was from John 1:29-46 and the title was Come and See. As I listened, a few things struck me...
1.  As Christians, our job is to point people to Jesus. I think I am doing that. At least in my writing, I talk about Jesus and the impact that He is having on my life. However, in my everyday life, in my interactions with my family and co-workers, I am not always the best at deomonstrating the love of Christ. Thankfully, because of God's grace, I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be faithful.
But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become the children of God. John 1:12
2.  In the passage of scripture from Sunday's message, the act of telling people about Jesus began with one man. And as other men caught sight of Jesus, they told more people about him. It just continued. They just couldn't stop telling people about Jesus. In that way, faith is viral. There is just something about the excitement of faith and love for Jesus that is contagious. It often inspires others and makes them curious to know more. 
3.  Although Jesus was busy traveling, praying and performing miracles, there were times when he lingered, intentionally. He wasn't so busy that others couldn't see him, that he wasn't noticed or blended in with the crowd. Jesus walked by, slowly, giving opportunity for people to notice. This slower pace is something that I need to be mindful of. I can't be so busy that other's don't have the opportunity to see Jesus in me. I need to spend more time lingering, just walking by, slowly. Not, driving by with a quick wave.
I have a Pinterest board where I post inspirational quotes or verses. Simply, things I find inspiring. There are two quotes that I found recently which bring attention to the importance of inpsiring others.

SOURCE

SOURCE

I'd like to take these quotes just one step further. My goal is not just to inspire, but to inspire people for Jesus. I want someone to look at me and say, because of you, I saw Jesus OR you're someone who made me look toward Jesus. 
I want my faith and the energy I give to the King to be contagious. Have you caught it yet?

Eleven Years {A Letter to my Oldest Daughter}

Dear A,

Today you turn 11. Although it may sound cliche, it really does seem like only yesterday I spent 25 hours in labor awaiting your arrival. 

While it is a sweet memory, I don't wish to be back at that day, that time. I am so enjoying watching you grow and develop. Over the past year I have watched you begin to make the emotional and physical transition from a girl to a woman. From Barbie to One Direction. From belonging soley to your dad and I to the embarking on the journey of discovering your own identity.

You are so eager to learn. And, you seem to be soaking in every bit of knowledge life throws at you. Lately, you won't stop talking...about anything and everything. I know I am not always the best listener. And, I'm sorry for that. I pray that God will help me to stop long enough to soak up every word you have to say. Because, I never want you to stop talking to me. I am interested in it all. I am interested in you.

Happy 11th birthday, my bright and beautiful girl. I can't wait to see how God blesses you this year!
Love,
Mom

What's Next?

This is a question that has been coming up a lot for me lately. 
I finished reading the Bible, now what? 
I have been blogging for nearly two years, do I have more to give? 
I spoke in front of over 400 women, what else may God have planned? 

I have been feeling drained by my job instead of energized as I used to, is it time for a change? If so, what's next?

Have you ever received one of those emails from Twitter, the ones which offer suggestions for who to follow? They say something like, "Suggestions based on [other people you already follow]." I typically ignore these emails. But, last week, I didn't. Instead, I looked at all the suggestions and even chose a few to follow.

One of those added to my "following" list was Jennie Allen. I had never heard of her, but was drawn to her message. Then, I discovered that she recently released a book, Restless: Because You Were Made for More. I read a little about the book and immediately ordered it. It was on my iPad for a few days before I opened it. But, when I did, I was hit with this,

“Our creative God has an infinite number of creative plans to make himself known through us, his image bearers, so he sent his Spirit to give unique visions to unique people to reach the world in unique and beautiful ways.”

“Figure out what it means to run after God. Throw off what is holding you back. Find and live your part in his story.”

While these are great quotes by themselves, they were even more meaningful after the conversation my husband and I had in the car on the way to Huntington Beach over the weekend. We talked about how I was feeling...unresolved, restless and like I was meant for more. We discussed my new passions and gifts and how the passions of years ago, the areas I felt I had always been called to, had been fading gradually. So much so that they had become draining rather than energizing.

We also talked about how to resolve these issues. It wasn't until my husband said this, "I think we have been trying to solve this on our own, coming up with our own solutions. I think it's time that we give it completely to God" that it hit me. Surrender all. Empty myself, so that He can fill me. Wasn't that what I wanted for 2014, to be filled with all that God had planned? Then, we prayed, with open hands, releasing it all.

After we prayed, I sat for awhile. Then, I started reading Restless. Quote after quote led me to realize that God wanted me to read this book. Needed me to read it. More quotes...

“Before we begin to dream, there is one foundation that must exist: surrender.”

“Until you are all in, you will only be capable of dreaming your own inadequate and small dreams. 

Because we are never free until we let go.”

“...God awakens and moves me toward more with a deep discontentment and an unsettling feeling of dissatisfaction. 

Many times when I longed for more, sure enough, he had more for me."

The thing is, I want more. But, what does that look like? I don't know yet. But, I know the message is clear...if I don't surrender it to Him, I may miss many great opportunities.

As the weekend progressed, more and more messages of seeking and surrender began to fill my time. Saturday morning, as I listened to Jen speak, this verse overwhelmed me,

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Matthew 5:6 (NIV)

I could not stop thinking about it. The imagery of my desire, my hunger and thirst, being filled by God's plans and purposes. But, first I must be empty. I must release all that is me and replace it with all that is Him.

Yet another message from Saturday morning's service was from one of the worship songs. The song, by Hillsong United, is titled Oceans. This was the chorus...

Oh, to have trust without borders. And, to have faith enough to walk upon water.

Sorry this post is a bit of a jumbled mess, but that's where I am right now. I have no idea where any of this is going, but felt led to share this with you anyway.

As part of the One Thousand Gifts Devotional I recently started, I have begun a prayer journal. This was my prayer from several days ago,
LORD, help me to continue to that place where I empty myself before you.  Giving thanks in all and for all, so that you can fill me.  So that you will continue to take me to that place - where fear meets faith.  It's there that I will truly see you.  Where I can experience your love fully and know that you will always win.
Will you pray this with me?

This Weekend & The Letter

Before I begin re-capping my amazing weekend, I need to say, "thank you." In response to last Thursday's post, I received so many kind and encouraging comments both here and on the Peace it all Together Facebook and Instagram pages. The confidence you showed in me was overwhelming, in a good way. I am extremely grateful to know all of you and to have such wonderful friends and readers.

THE VIEW JUST OUTSIDE OUR HOTEL

A BAYWATCH MOMENT

This weekend, I was stretched beyond what I could've ever imagined. If you would have asked me even one year ago if I could have pictured myself on a stage, mic in hand, speaking in front of 500 people, I might have actually laughed in your face. This is not my gift, public speaking. It terrifies me. Yet, I cannot explain to you in words the energy I felt just being around so many faithful women and reading to them the words of encouragement that the Holy Spirit had entrusted to me.  

FRIDAY NIGHT, BEFORE WALKING INTO DOWNTOWN HUNTINGTON BEACH

Before I get to the many life lessons I learned this weekend I must tell you that my husband is truly incredible. He not only supported this wild and crazy idea I had to travel approximately 250 miles to speak for two minutes, but he created a weekend getaway out of it. We left Friday and returned Sunday and sincerely enjoyed our time together.

THE WHOLE GROUP - ABOUT 450 WOMEN

The event was Saturday morning. We got to the church early and, as a sat in the car waiting for time to go inside, my confidence continued to plummet. I actually contemplated staying in the car. Fortunately, my hubby gave me a little tough love and basically kicked me out of the car.

Meeting Jennifer Smith and her husband, Aaron, was an incredible experience. They put us to work immediately, unloading all the goodies from their car. It was the perfect distraction from my nerves and made us feel like we had known them much longer than thirty seconds.

The event began, after prayer and preparations were complete. Jennifer spoke first and I was again in awe of her story of transformation from pain and darkness in marriage. The theme of her message was Shine. About being a light in the darkness of this world and our own community. Although I shouldn't have been, I was impressed the how God works. I have been hearing and reflecting on this type of message so much lately.

...in darkness you can't flourish and thrive

...light is attractive

O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness. 

2 Samuel 22:29 (NLT)

The scars you share become lighthouses for other people who are headed to the same rocks you hit. 

- Jon Acuff

After Jen's message, it was time. I would swear that the people sitting next to me could both hear and feel my heart beating. There were seven of us who read letters. All the letters were so different, yet each was spoken from the heart and was clearly inspired by God to speak to the diverse group of women who attended the event. My letter was meant to encourage the weary wife. All letters will be posted on the Unveiled Wife site this week, beginning today with my letter. I encourage you to read them all.

JENNIFER WITH ALL THE LADIES WHO READ THEIR LETTERS AT THE EVENT

PHOTO MY HUBBY TOOK FROM THE BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM

Although I am still not convinced that you couldn't hear the shakiness in my voice as I read my letter, my husband - who wasn't supposed to be watching - assures me that I sounded great and that my nerves were not evident. Honestly, when it was all over, I felt proud. That I had conquered some serious fears. That I had gotten through the letter without getting emotional. But, mostly, I was proud that I had answered a call from God.

It was clear that He wanted me there. I was a minister and I was ministered to. I met new friends and got to spend a beautiful weekend at the beach with my husband. I was energized in the presence of so many godly women and by the idea that there is so much more that God has planned for me (more on that later :))

Blessings to you this week! And...thanks again for all of your support. Without this blog, and all of you who faithfully read my ramblings, this opportunity would not have been possible.

Speak

This weekend I will have an amazing, and frightening, opportunity. I was fortunate to be asked by Jennifer Smith, author of Wife After God and creator of the site Unveiled Wife, to join her in a meet and greet and motivational session, which takes place on Saturday in Southern Ca. This is the amazing part.

The frightening part. I was also asked to write an encouraging and supportive letter to weary wives...and read it aloud at the event. The writing part was easy. It is the speaking part that has me a little worried.
I am not a public speaker. In fact, it is one of my least favorite things. Although I speak in meetings at work all the time, being on a stage, in front of a large group, that's terrifying.
That being said, when Jen asked me to be a part of the event, I did not hesitate. I felt God nudging me toward to move beyond my comfort zone. Almost immediately, I remembered what He had spoken to me while attending a women's retreat in Hume Lake, last October:  keep going, don't give up, speak. At the time, I needed the encouragement of the first two, but was uncertain what He meant by the third. Speak. With this in mind, and in light of my word for 2014, how could I say no to this opportunity? I couldn't.
Since you won't be able to attend the event, I plan to post a link to the letter I wrote, which will be published at Unveiled Wife on Monday. So, stay tuned.
Please pray for me, as I speak to these women the words that God gave me to help strengthen their weary minds, bodies and souls. Also, pray for all the women who attend, that they will be encouraged and uplifted by the experience.

Becoming More by Being Less

Empty. Can that really be my word for 2014? 
While I want rest, peace, trust, simplicity, etc., it is more than that. I simply want what God has for me. For Him to fill me with His presence and purpose. And, to truly be ready for that, I must be empty.

10. GREEN ADIRONDACK CHAIRS

I just finished reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. I asked and received it for Christmas. Why? There was something in me that knew I needed to read it, although I'd never read any of her work before, nor was I a follower of hers. What I didn't know was how much I needed it or how her words would speak to me.

14. WALKING UNDER THE PIER

In her book, Ann shares her journey of practicing thankfulness, of counting blessings, into the thousands. I was impressed with this practice and began my own list almost immediately. However, it was when I got to chapters eight and nine that I couldn't stop reading. When she began talking about her anxiety, panic, and fear. Describing it as a closed fist, attempting to gain control of the world and our circumstances.

Fear keeps a life small. (p 145)

Stress can be an addiction and worry can be our lunge for control and we forget the

 answer to this moment is always yes because of Christ. (p 160)

Last fall, I wrote about experiencing something new in prayer while attending a women's retreat. The simple act of opening our hands to God when praying, instead of keeping them closed and folded. This image and the lesson surrounding it overwhelmed me as I read chapters 8 & 9.

Opening the hand to receive the moments. Trusting what is received to be grace. (p 158)

However, it was more than just open hands. It was the concept of emptying myself. Of removing all of my own preferences, desires and perceptions. Letting them go. 

6. ANGRY BIRD WATCH ON A LITTLE BOY'S WRIST

The open hand. It's not simply a way to invite God in, but to release myself, so that He can fill me up.

My own wild desire to protect my joy at all costs is the exact force that kills my joy...

Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. 

Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be...

I can empty because I am full of his love. I can trust. I can let go. (pgs 178, 179)

This year, I want to be empty of me, yet filled with Him. I want my life to be big. I want to rid myself of fear, by letting His perfect love replace it. I want to count my blessings and live fully. Yet...

He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. 

John 3:30 (NLT)

Can't wait to see what God has planned for me in 2014!

New Year. New Mantle.

I wanted to start this new year with mantle re-do. Mainly because, last year it took me three months after taking down my Christmas decorations to get something on my mantle. I was determined not to let that happen again.
My inspiration piece for my New Year's mantle was this print by Emily Ley. I purchased a similar one several months ago when she was having a clearance sale of older inventory. I got it for a great deal and was so excited, but had yet to find a place for it. I'm hoping it will find it's permanent home in my bedroom once I move it from the mantle, which I know I will eventually.
Once I had my inspiration piece, I decided to go with white and gold for the mantle. I started with this:

It didn't take long before I realized that this arrangement wasn't quite right. It was too small and just didn't seem complete. So, I went to my two favorite places for home accessories - TJ Maxx and HomeGoods - and found a new frame and plate.

I really wanted a sunburst to hang on the window above the mantle, but I couldn't find one. That's when I decided on a tassel garland. I was trying to avoid making it myself, but wasn't ready to spend $30 for someone else to make one for me. I found this tutorial online and made mine out of gold and white tissue paper (which, by the way, I got for 75 cents because it was in the Christmas section at Target).

I was very pleased with the end product. Not only do I have a beautiful and elegant mantle for the new year, but I am reminded daily of the grace that is afforded to me by God. And, that because of that grace, I do not need to be perfect.
So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured on us who belong to his Son. Ephesians 1:6

What is inspiring you in this new year?