In His Presence

On Christmas Day, I awoke with this thought and prayer on my mind, "God, it is good to be in your presence." The day I had been preparing for and anticipating had arrived. The day of Christ's birth was here! Emmanuel - God with us - had come! And, once again, God had overwhelmed me with his presence and revealed his mighty works.
You see, the weeks leading up to Christmas were work for me. Not physical labor, but spiritual. I had been convicted of bitterness and was on a spiritual journey, to rid myself of a stony, stubborn heart, and replace it with one of softness and tenderness. One that was God-willed, instead of self-willed. For the weeks leading up to Christmas, I took myself away from the distraction of social media for several days at a time, I prayed Ezekial 36:26 multiple times each day, and I made myself accountable by sharing my struggle with a select few.

And, God showed up. True to his faithful and loving character. Answering my prayers and overwhelming me with his presence and power, just as he had so many times before.

O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.

You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.

 - Psalm 139:1,3 -

I want to be seen by God. I want him to notice me. Although I know that he has always seen me, it hasn't always felt that way. 

It's like before my husband and I began dating. He noticed me. But, I didn't see it because I was too distracted by other things. I may have been looking at another guy or stressing about my looming finals. It wasn't until I really looked at him that I saw him for what he was, what he always had been - someone who was loving, cherishing and pursuing me. The same is true for God. I needed to notice him noticing me before we could truly be in relationship.

This year, my goal was to be empty. To rid myself of my own motives and let God fill me with his. To discover his purpose for my life. While I don't think I discovered all the answers in this process of being empty, I did become more aware of God, his character and his presence. I noticed him noticing me...and, it was overwhelming.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

 - Psalm 139:6 -

That's the feeling I want more in 2015. I want to be in awe of him. I want to be amazed. Overwhelmed.

Earlier this year, I was drawn to Psalm 139. I read it and re-read it and hoped to memorize it. But, life got in the way. Distractions happened - some of them good - and I didn't get it committed to memory. This past weekend, I found myself without a passage to study and I once again turned to Psalm 139. I read it and re-read it, mediating on it's truth and my desire to breathe it into my life - to feel it and live it everyday.

The note in my study Bible says this regarding the theme of Psalm 139, "God is all-seeing, all-knowing, and everywhere present. God knows us, God is with us, and his greatest gift to allow us to know him."

This year, I opened my hands as a sign of readiness, so that God could fill me with his presence and purpose. As a result, he revealed more of himself to me.

Nothing we do can make God any bigger than He already is.  But we have the capacity to enlarge & magnify God in our hearts. - Christine Caine

In 2014 I learned many things about God that, despite being a Christian for over 32 years, I had never truly acknowledged before. Among them, the idea that God makes small things mighty. He can take our simple acts of obedience and multiply them into something extraordinary. Just like he took a young boy’s lunch – of five loaves of bread and two fish - and fed 5,000 people, he can take an invitation to dinner and turn it into an incredible blessing for a friend. Or, use a seemingly random, kind word to turn someone’s day around. In 2014, he also used my obedience and worked in the lives of the women of my church; he saw to it that friends were made, trust was built and the gift of salvation was accepted. I did my part and then God did his. It was amazing!

My goal for 2015 is to experience more of that - more of God's favor. To give the word overwhelmed a new reputation. 
I want to notice too much of God, seeing him everywhere and in every thing. To be weighed down by the miraculous work of the Holy Spirit. And, undone by the love, grace, goodness, and mercy of God.

For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. 

- Romans‬ ‭11:36 -

It is good to be in the presence of the Lord. It is good to know that he is with us.

Journey to Bethlehem

Have you ever wondered what it would have been like to travel to Bethlehem at the time of Jesus’ birth?
This year my church is providing a new Christmas tradition for our community - a live-action, drive-through journey to Bethlehem. Giving the participants and opportunity to encounter the people and places that were a part of the amazing story of Jesus' birth. 
I was privileged to be able to put together the narration that participants will listen to as they drive through a busy marketplace, visit Herod’s palace, and come, along with shepherds and wise men, to the manger – the birthplace of Jesus.
I am sharing a revised version of the written narration with you today, so that you can reflect on the importance of this event and/or share with others who may need the hope that it offers.

artwork by This Girls Doodles

Our story begins with a couple, Mary and Joseph, who respond to a clear invitation from God, setting in motion a series of events that change their ordinary lives forever. 

At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea.

Months before their journey to Bethlehem began, both Mary and Joseph were visited by Angels of the Lord.

First, Mary, a young Jewish woman, received word, “Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her, “for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus.”

Although Mary was unsure of how this could happen, she trusted in the angel’s words, believing that nothing is impossible with God.

Once Mary became pregnant, Joseph, as her fiancé, had a big decision to make. Mary was engaged to him, yet had become pregnant. Joseph was a good man, so he decided to break the engagement quietly. However, the Lord had other plans for Joseph. An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. You are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”

It was with great eagerness that the Jewish people had been anticipating the coming of their Messiah. Mary and Joseph understood what Jesus’ birth and life would mean to their people. In fact, Mary considered herself blessed that the Lord would fulfill his promises through her.

There is another character in our story, however, who was not pleased to learn of the Messiah’s coming birth. This man was Herod, a Roman-appointed king and dictator, who saw this baby as a tremendous threat to his power.

Near the time of Jesus’ birth, some star-gazing wise men from eastern lands arrived in Jerusalem, asking, “Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We saw his star as it rose, and we have come to worship him.”

King Herod was so disturbed when he heard this that he told them, “Go to Bethlehem and search carefully for the child. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him, too!”

After this, the star guided the wise men to Bethlehem. Once there, they bowed down and worshiped Jesus, giving him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. When it was time to leave, the wise men returned to their own country by another route, for God had warned them in a dream not to return to Herod.

That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior has been born today in Bethlehem.” 

Suddenly, the angel was joined by others praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

Mary and Joseph had reached Bethlehem. And while they were there, the time came for the baby to be born. Mary gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.

After the birth of Jesus, the manger where he lay became a place of worship. Those who had been searching, the shepherds and the wise men, had finally reached the throne of the newborn king.

The birth of this baby, Jesus, was good news, not simply because of what happened that night in Bethlehem, but for what was to come some 30 years later. Jesus grew to be a man with a ministry; he taught truth and performed miracles. He suffered death on a cross, rose from the grave and is seated with God in Heaven.

Because of Jesus’ miraculous birth, life and his death and resurrection we have the opportunity to be a part of God’s story. God loves you so much, and invites you to put your trust in Jesus Christ His Son, so you can know his peace in your heart, both now and forever.

Prepare Him Room {Advent 2014}

The Christmas season is upon us! My house is almost completely decorated, I have presents purchased, the smells of peppermint and gingerbread have begun to fill my kitchen and Sunday brought the arrival of Advent.

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. 

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? 

I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. 

- Isaiah 43:18-19 -

Advent means the waiting on the arrival of something important. It is an anticipation and expectation of something of great significance. In our house, while we give gifts and fill stockings, we do our best to recognize that the reason we celebrate Christmas is because of Jesus. 

In order to acknowledge the significance of the season, last year, as a family of five, we sat together each Sunday evening reading scripture, praying, and lighting a candle on our advent display. The kids loved it so much that, as soon as the Christmas decorations came out last week, they asked if we were going to "do advent" again. This past Sunday, we discussed the word hope. I was amazed at their understanding of the biblical perspective of hope, recognizing that it wasn't simply wishing for something, but having faith in it's imminent arrival. A faith which can only come from knowledge and trust in Christ.

Altough last year I completed an online advent study, this year God put it on my heart to gather a group of women who could walk through an advent study together. There are ten of us and we met last night for the first time. It was disorganized and messy. But, it was also simple and honest. We discussed hope and what it means for us to find Jesus among the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. My purpose, which I truly believe is God's purpose, for this study is to bring these women closer to Jesus and the "new thing" that God is doing in them during this season. And, to lead them to self-reflection, which results in action.

Naptime Diaries Advent Prints

Advent is more than just a countdown to Christmas. It is an opportunity to prepare ourselves for the arrival of our savior. Even though Jesus was born more than 2000 years ago, we still need to celebrate the miracle of his birth and the fact that he is so much more than just a baby in a manger. Jesus grew to be a man with a ministry; he taught truth and performed miracles. He suffered death on a cross, rose from the grave and is seated with God in Heaven. 

This year my goal is to make the anticipation of Christmas just as special as the event itself. Our world is full of many messages about the meaning of Christmas, most of which are counter to the true meaning. Therefore, there is a need for us to prepare our hearts and minds to receive the intended spirit of Christmas. For the manger and for the cross. 

How will you prepare Him room?

Be Aware

I have shed many tears during the past six years. For my son. 

At first, it was out of frustration. I just couldn't figure out what to do, how to care for him and make him comfortable. Then, there were tears of fear and questioning - Would he ever speak? How would his life be different? Next came, tears of joy, at his first words and other accomplishments. So many emotions for me, the mother of a child with Sensory Processing Disorder.

Most recently, I stood in my backyard one evening, crying into my husband's shoulder. Broken-hearted, hurting for my son. He had had his third toileting accident at school, because he was afraid to use the restroom. Despite all our efforts, he wouldn't do it. As a result, he pushed his body to it's limits, holding it until he couldn't anymore. 

That night, I cried, "It's not fair!" Not fair that he has to deal with fear and anxiety on a daily basis. Not fair that his body gets confused and reacts to normal stimuli atypically, leaving him uncomfortable and agitated.

While the toileting situation has had me the most distraught lately, what brings me to tears most days is the way O thinks. How his mind analyzes everything to the point of anxiety. It tears my heart apart when I realize all the things that go through his mind, which cause him stress and worry. 

Some of those things are:

- Whether or not to tell me about an injury, anticipating that the "medicine" might hurt more or that I might offer him a bandaid -

- Wondering if the new pjs I just bought him for "pajama day" will feel itchy -

- Starting each day thinking about what may be different or out of the ordinary -

- Hoping he doesn't make a mistake on his writing assignment -

- Focusing on how many minutes are left until the bell rings, because he doesn't want to be late for school -

- Needing to inspect his food before he eats it, if he eats it -

But, there is also good news. There is a God who answers prayers. A God who loves O more than I ever could and as a result is responding to the pleas of his people. To take away O's sensitivity to smell in the cafeteria. To make the bathroom less scary, so that it can become a part of his routine at school. God has been showing me that when I can't, he can. 

That's the truth I want to rest in, every day. God makes promises and fulfills them. He can!

October is Sensory Awareness Month. 

One of the purposes of this blog has always been to raise awareness of SPD. 

Will you do your part in raising awareness? 

Will you share this with one person today?

God's Story

It was Friday night, October 3rd. I sat in the chapel at Hume Lake, surrounded by hundreds of women, feeling overwhelmed. Weighed down by the miraculous work of the Holy Spirit. Undone by the love, grace, goodness, and mercy of God. Amazed that he would choose to use me. Again.
This year marks the third in a row that I have organized the women's retreat for the ladies of my church. It started three years ago when I decided that I wanted to attend a retreat. And, because I didn't want to go by myself, I began asking other women in my church if they wanted to go. The first year, we had 8 women, last year there were 12 of us and this year 16 women, of all ages, from our church attended the retreat.
My job as the organizer - to make sure everyone registers, pays, knows what to bring and has a ride. In addition, I have chosen each year to pray for the women who will be attending and provide them with a gift. (You can read about previous year's gifts here and here).
This year, I went through multiple ideas before finally landing on this - a journal with personalized label and inside, a letter to each woman.

LABEL CREATED BY:   THIS GIRLS DOODLES

So, by now you're probably wondering what is so amazing about any of this. Well...can you guess what the main theme for the women's retreat was? God's story. The challenge: To see God as the writer, director and producer of a grand story. To recognize that he is central, the main character. And to ask, "What is my part in God's story?"
It all seemed very familiar to me. And, it wasn't simply that "God's story" was the theme. There were specific words, phrases, and passages of scripture that were identical. For example, the first night of the retreat,the speaker read from Genesis 1 and Revelation 21 - the beginning and the end - focusing on God's story from creation to eternity, words that I had used in my letter.
An excerpt from my letter... As you write and reflect [in this journal], consider your part in God's story. Rest in the knowledge that every day of your life, from creation to eternity, has been purposed for you by the creator of the universe. You are his masterpiece – a reflection of him, showing the world his character and what he has done in you.

My prayer is that you would stand unashamed of your life's narrative. That you would not minimize who God has made you. That you would surrender your story to the author of hope. Let God be God. Let him write his story on your heart. Then, make space for him to move, for him to perform great and mighty miracles in and through you.

God created you. He loves you. He saved you and made you holy. Let him make your story great!
I wrote this during the weeks leading up to the retreat, without ANY knowledge of the speaker's message. I had NO IDEA that she would be speaking on the exact topic that God had been stirring in me. 
Can you see why I was overwhelmed? God had given me too much. The way he had orchestrated it all was overpowering. So much so that I could barely speak about it. It was so difficult explain. It still is. But, I had to share. Because it's proof that God is active. He is on the move and we can be a part of his movement, his story.
One of my favorite songs recently has been Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave. These lyrics capture what I was feeling so beautifully: I see the work of your hand I hear the sound of your voice Captivated by your beauty All that you've done is so overwhelming
Are you playing your part in God's story? Have you made room for him to overwhelm you?

Come Back

It is no secret to my family and friends that I am germophobic. My supply of hand sanitizer and propensity toward hand washing has increased in recent years, especially since I had kids. There are times when the stress and anxiety of possible illness just takes over and I can't help it. In fact, I recently reprimanded my nine-year old for helping her sick friend to the nurse's office at school. Not my best parenting moment.

My husband once commented, "You can't put them in a bubble, you know."

My response, "Wouldn't that be great if we could?!"

Part of my life I lived in a spiritual bubble. I kept my faith to myself and at times didn't even allow God penetrate the tough exterior that I had built. Then, God popped my bubble, creating in me a desire to venture outside of my safe place.

And, even as I began to move out of the comfort zone I had created, my desire became to move further. I wanted to keep moving, to know more and to go further.

That's when the frustration set in. God, I only want to do your will. Was that true? Or, did I just want to keep going? Come back. He had asked me to step out, but maybe he didn't want me to go that far. Yet.

"We often find God's will when we do what's next and obediently respond to the normal duties of life...

The Enemy's voice will focus on the past and the future while the voice of God will focus on today. He is the God of right now." 

- Priscilla Shirer, Discerning the Voice of God

As I have been reading, studying, praying and listening recently, I have learned that God is the leader, the good shepherd who wants to go before me and call out to me when the path has been set, cleared and well worn by him. We are part of a larger story. Consequently, timing is everything. We must wait for God to speak before acting.

Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, "This is the way you should go."

- Isaiah 30:21 -

"The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given - and you will receive even more." 

- Mark 4:24 -

Remember that bubble, I talked about? God called me back there. Only, he transformed it into an inner circle or sphere of influence. It was no longer an impenetrable barrier, it was a way to embrace my people. It was those close to me he was asking me to minister to. Those in my family, church and city. He didn't want me too far away from those people. My people.

Sometimes being outside of our comfort zone simply means having a difficult conversation with a friend or inviting a neighbor to join you in Bible study. It may not be about literal distance, but about a stretching of your heart and mind, looking at the people and places around you differently.

So, what is God calling me to right now? In some things he is asking me to wait, to let him lead and carve out a path before he asks me to walk it. In other things, he is asking me to act, to do something - call a friend, write a note, show my husband how much I love him - today. Still, in other things, he simply wants me to let him take care of it. To pray and watch him work, so his glory can be displayed in our lives.

Lord, may I be a person who seeks you and desires to walk in step with you. Lead me along your path, your plan, because I know it's what is best for me. May I be a woman who waits patiently for your invitation, as my desire is to move with you. Help me to always remember that your perspective is greater and that it's in your power that I operate in the works you have planned for me. Allow me to see the needs around me and direct me toward obedience, so that I will be willing to serve when you call. Amen

Stuck

Tonight. I am feeling stuck. Not just because I am in a dark room, with the only light coming from the computer screen, because my sick, six-year old begged me not to leave the room. And, not just because I was looking through old blog posts earlier today and found myself wishing for the days when I was confident thin enough to post photos of myself in fun, bold outfits. It's these things and so much more.
Lately, I've been struggling to understand God's plan. I want to hear his voice now more than ever, but I just can't be certain what he is saying. I've been spending more time in prayer and studying the Bible, yet I still feel like he is distant...or, maybe I am. I think I am blaming him for leading me away from the dreams I believe he birthed in me. Speak. Tell your story. Okay. Write a book. Share your fears and how I have transformed them. Sure. Pursue these dreams. I will.
Then, came the walls. No more opportunities to speak. No time or inspiration to write. Did I hear you right? Was that what you really asked? Discouragement and doubts about these dreams fill my mind. I'm stuck, paralyzed by the fear to move forward because I don't want to do the wrong thing and because I wonder if there really is a "thing" for me to do.
I'm in a holding pattern, because of comparison. Lack of confidence. Weariness. Exhaustion. 
Today I read a post by Ann Voskamp and watched a video of Priscilla Shirer, which both spoke to my need for answers...

"We want clarity -- and God gives a call. 

We want a road map --- and God gives a relationship. 

We want answers -- and God gives His hand."

- Ann Voskamp

Take what God is giving you now and be obedient to it. This will open the door for him to disclose more.

-Priscilla Shirer

I feel like God is saying...Look up. Choose me. Take my hand. Give me room to move. I have the answers.

I don't have all the answers. But, I know that I have been called and sent by the one who created the universe. He does not make mistakes. I need to have faith - boldly acting in the belief - that not only does God have the answers, but that he will reveal them to me at just the right time. In the meantime...focus on the relationship, not the search for a road map. Pray, listen, and obey. 

Braver Than You Think

I have always been fond of watching movies and reading books that make me cry. Some of my favorites, like Steel Magnolias and The Shack, I have watched and read on repeat, for I seem to find joy through the tears. There is just something about the raw emotion that draws me in. How is it possible to find beauty in tears, sadness and grief? I can't explain it. It is definitely not something my husband understands. But, it's the way I am wired. Tell me something is going to make me cry and I'll watch it or read it, usually multiple times.

It is this part of my personality that first drew me to Anna's blog, An Inch of Gray, early in my blogging career. It was shortly after she lost her son, Jack, that I began reading her words.

Something about her story hit me hard. Maybe it was because I have a son of my own that I felt so compelled to read her story and respond in any way I could to encourage, support and uplift this woman I didn't even know, who had lost her son. Or, maybe it's because Anna and I ended up chatting via email or through blog comments about the similarities between our boys - their love of trains and Legos, the desire for order and symmetry, and their generally cautious nature.

"The upside of parenting a kid who sometimes struggled was that it pointed me 

toward God and away from my focus on worldly success...

Toward the issues of the heart. To loving well the child you've been given, 
not the child you thought you would have." (p. 108-109)

Things have been tense in our home the past couple of weeks. I can only explain it by blaming it on the stress of school starting. No one, except O, has been outwardly stressed. But, the rest of us, especially Matt and I, have been handling our stress and anxiety by retreating and taking it out on each other. 

This is one of the reasons I needed to read Anna's book, Rare Bird, now. Because it was written from one mother to another. Because it seemed to make more sense to shed tears over someone else's grief than to cry over the impending struggle I would endure when it was time to help O with his writing homework or the fact that he is still afraid to use the bathroom at school, even to the point of having an accident. 

"Because despite my attempts to...relax and trust God with my kids,

I'd clung to the belief that I could somehow control our futures if I just tried hard enough." (p. 81)

These are my losses. The loss of normalcy and control...even though I have truly never held either of these.

While I hesitate to compare the life we live to the tragedy that Anna writes about - because they are not even remotely similar and because it seems selfish - I do so because there are many different types of loss and grief. Some with death and others within the boundaries of this life. And, I think that one of the reasons to read a book like this is to know that it's okay to feel your loss, in your way.

What reading this book reminded me about my own life, is that it's better to ask than to retreat, better to love than to withdraw. Some times, in life, there are no major changes that can be made that may fix a situation, there may be no exit strategy. But, in those times, there can still be love. We can give and we can receive.

Rare Bird is a book about grief and loss and life not turning out how you expected. It's about empty rooms and unused passports, life cut short and things that don't make sense.

"...while I'm speaking, it feels as if God is using the words in a way that reaches beyond the simple little stories of home and life I share. I hope those listening get a glimpse of Jack, and God, and will somehow be changed." (p. 75)

But, it's also a story of how God moves. How he prepares, sustains, and propels us forward. How he speaks, comforts, and inspires. How he gives and takes away, loving us through it all. Helping us to be braver than we ever thought we could be.

 

I'm Learning

The older I get, the more I realize...there are many things I don't know. Even some of those things I thought I knew, some things I've written and spoken confidently about, I didn't really understand. 
Over the past several weeks, I have been studying the book of Galatians, through IF: Equip. My aha moment came on day five of the study. It was that day that I gained a new understanding of something I have had a head-knowledge of for the better part of my life - God has made me perfect through the death and resurrection of Christ. 
So, why have I worked so hard to be perfect? 
If I had really believed that freedom is not possible through striving - through works or obeying the law - but only through faith in Christ, then I wouldn't have been so caught up in looking side to side, at what others are doing or in hopes of their approval or trying to become perfect by my own efforts.
How had I missed this?! How could I have denied myself the ability to live in the freedom of God's love? The place where there is no need to earn his favor, because I already have it.

My friends, don't count on your behavior to make you right with God. Instead, focus on placing your faith in Christ, live out your faith in love, walk in step with the Holy Spirit, and rest in God's grace.
It sounds simple, doesn't it? It should be. Unfortunately, it's something I am going to need to remind myself of daily. Otherwise, I will forget what I have learned. Again.
I must let God be God. This is what I am learning. I must yield my life to him, every day and let him fulfill the promises he has made. 
Most  of what I learned while studying Galatians I summed up in this prayer: 
God, you chose me. I believe that it pleases you  to reveal yourself to me through your Holy Spirit. It is because of your love for me that I must proclaim your good news for you and for your glory. May I do this by your plan  and with your power. Amen
Will you join me and make this your prayer today?

Yes, I Cried

I'm sitting here at my computer, trying to waste time. I have 30 minutes before I have to leave the house for a series of errands, meetings and appointments. I'd like to think of something productive to do, but instead I am eating brownies and scanning Facebook, liking all of the "first day of school" photos I see.
I tried to fill my schedule today. I didn't want this idle time. Because, for me, it just turns into time to think about O and how he is handling his first day of first grade. 
I cried this morning. Not for the same reasons I saw tears in many other mothers' eyes. But, because my son, who bravely packed his lunch, got dressed and endured me taking photos of him and his sisters, will be at school all day today. He will (probably) eat lunch there. He will (hopefully) use the bathroom there. He will have a new class. New teacher. New experiences. And, the last words I heard him say, repeatedly, were, "I'm scared, mama."
I wanted to say, "I'm scared, too." But, of course, I didn't. I think that might be considered bad parenting, at least in this situation. I simply acknowledged his fear, gave him a big kiss, which he thankfully didn't resist, and walked out of the door. It was the right thing to do. It was so hard.
Leading up to this day has not been easy, either. The anxiety has been evident. Yet, he's been excited. O wants to go to school. He just doesn't know what's going to happen. And, that drives him crazy. I know how he feels. Despite the fact that I adore his teacher and am confident in her ability to teach and care for him, I don't know what's going to happen either. That drives me crazy!

But, that still, small voice inside keeps whispering, 
"Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Gen. 18:14).  "My spirit remains in your midst. Fear not." (Haggai 2:5)
These are the words I will be (trying to) reflect on today, until I get to see these faces again. Until I get to feed them their favorite snacks and hear about their day. I can't wait until 3:15pm! 

To the One Who is Restless

To the One Who is Restless,

Do you know who you are? You are the child of God - chosen, freed, forgiven, equipped. You have gifts, which have been given to you by your father in Heaven, so that you may run in his race. He's got the path set, the course laid out and in the end there is victory. All you have to do is move. 
Isn't that exciting? Isn't it scary. Yes and yes. But, if you never take that first step, you will always feel like this - restless - like there is more to life than this.

"God's story changes every one of our stories, every one of our lives." 

- Jennie Allen

You were made for more. It's time to accept it. There are people and places who need you. There are passions, birthed through suffering, that are unique burdens for you. Why? The mission is clear. God wants you to move with him. He wants your story to be aligned with his.

God is alive. He is active. So, we must be too. Although we may not be able to see the finish line, or even the next mile marker, we must step out with confidence, as if what we believe about God - his faithfulness and unfailing love - is true. Because, God always gives us enough to sustain us for this day, for this task, and this moment of obedience. He wants us to be dependent on him, every day. And, tomorrow he will provide again. 
Like Joseph, you must obey God's call on your life, even when it doesn't make sense. May you also be like Abraham and Isaiah, saying, "Here I am" while offering yourself and your service to the Lord.

Unfortunately, in life, there are many things that can weigh us down, make us weary and create a breeding ground for discouragement. That is not what God wants. These things paralyze. He wants you to move freely - to run without those things entangling you. So, stop comparing yourself with others. Stop worrying about what others think of you. Instead, keep your eyes on Jesus, who has initiated and perfected our faith. With him all things are possible.

My friends, I believe you will do great things. I am excited to see what God had planned for you and for me. If you do not yet know what it is, ask him. He will show you. It may not be today or tomorrow but the answer will come. In the meantime, explore your passions, embrace your people and places, continue to dream, and...do something.

"God doesn't change the world through grand visions; he changes the world through surrendered people hungry for his glory." 

- Jennie Allen, Restless

Note:  I wrote this letter to the ladies who completed the Restless Bible Study with me this summer.  I wanted to share it with you, with the hope that it would encourage you, as well. 

Being Brave

I'm not a how-to writer. There are times when I wish is was. When I scroll through Facebook or my blog feed and see dozens of how-to articles, I think, I wish I could do that. Maybe more people would read if I could just simplify life, faith, fear or motherhood, marriage or writing into five to ten easy steps.

But, that's not life, at least the way I see it. And, that's not me. I'm a storyteller. I write my story with the hope that other people will be inspired to create their own how-to's. If you can connect with my stories and learn from them, if they make an impact in even one moment of your day, then I will be satisfied.

Whether I like it or not - and most of the time I don't - fear is a part of my story. As a result, I read a lot about what other people think about fear and their perception of bravery.

One of my recent favorites is Let's All Be Brave, by Annie Downs. I finished this book within 24-hours and was so sad for it to come to an end. Although there are many differences between Annie and me - she is single, younger, lives in Nashville, was a missionary in Scotland, and has published several books - she, like me, understands the importance of being brave, of saying yes even when you're scared and of saying no despite the fear you might be missing that one important thing.

"You want to change the world? Be brave. Be you. 

Don't try to be someone else or do someone else's brave thing." (p.175)

If you follow me on Instagram you will know that most of my summer has been spent driving my daughters to and from play practice, listening to them practicing their songs endlessly  and then finally watching them perform on the stage, numerous times, in our local children's musical theater production of Willy Wonka Jr. 

The day of their first real performance, as I drove them to the theater, my 11-year old, who has done theater before, was giving her 9-year old sister, who has never been a part of a production, this advice, 
"Okay, E. Even if you feel like you're going to throw up right before the play starts, don't worry. Once you step onto the stage, it's like you went through a portal...because you won't be nervous anymore. It's great."

I'm not sure where the word "portal" came from. (Possibly The Lego Movie, but the lessons we have learned from that movie I will save for another post.) However, her perspective is right on. Once you step onto the stage, once you send that email or take that first step, you feel brave. And, that changes everything. It doesn't mean the fear is gone. It just means that you've done something about it, instead of letting it paralyze you.

"That's why we have to start. It's why we have to go first. It's why we have to be brave - 

so that others will be inspired to be brave as well.

...the real joy is when we get to be the ones who lead others to a new level of bravery." (p.171)

There are several things, personally and professionally, that I desire related to telling my story:

I want to get my book published.

I want to tell my story in front of people.

I want to be quoted.

I want others to learn how to be brave from me.

At times all of these things seem selfish to me. That's when I hesitate. When I wonder if I should pursue any of these things. I get anxious and overwhelmed by these thoughts, wondering if any of these are really in God's will for my life or if I'm just searching for recognition. If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I tend not to be selfish and the last thing I want is to be noticed or applauded. It's just embarrassing. But, writing my wants here, seeing them in print, still makes me wonder.

"The road to courage is lit by God's wisdom" (p.120)

It is only when I am still and listen to the only voice that truly matters that I am able to hear the truth. God's voice says,

Tell the story I have given you.

Encourage and disciple other women with your voice.

Speak and write truth, so that others may know me.

I may never get the exact things I want. I know that God can give me all these things. I just don't know if he will. That has to be okay. I still have to trust him. God has me on this journey for a reason. 
I just have to be brave. Then, my story can be a part of his story.

GOD made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. 

When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. 

Indeed, I’ve kept alert to GOD ’s ways; I haven’t taken God for granted. 

Every day I review the ways he works, I try not to miss a trick. 

I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. 

GOD rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. 

- 2 Samuel 22:21-25 (MSG) -