Being Brave

I'm not a how-to writer. There are times when I wish is was. When I scroll through Facebook or my blog feed and see dozens of how-to articles, I think, I wish I could do that. Maybe more people would read if I could just simplify life, faith, fear or motherhood, marriage or writing into five to ten easy steps.

But, that's not life, at least the way I see it. And, that's not me. I'm a storyteller. I write my story with the hope that other people will be inspired to create their own how-to's. If you can connect with my stories and learn from them, if they make an impact in even one moment of your day, then I will be satisfied.

Whether I like it or not - and most of the time I don't - fear is a part of my story. As a result, I read a lot about what other people think about fear and their perception of bravery.

One of my recent favorites is Let's All Be Brave, by Annie Downs. I finished this book within 24-hours and was so sad for it to come to an end. Although there are many differences between Annie and me - she is single, younger, lives in Nashville, was a missionary in Scotland, and has published several books - she, like me, understands the importance of being brave, of saying yes even when you're scared and of saying no despite the fear you might be missing that one important thing.

"You want to change the world? Be brave. Be you. 

Don't try to be someone else or do someone else's brave thing." (p.175)

If you follow me on Instagram you will know that most of my summer has been spent driving my daughters to and from play practice, listening to them practicing their songs endlessly  and then finally watching them perform on the stage, numerous times, in our local children's musical theater production of Willy Wonka Jr. 

The day of their first real performance, as I drove them to the theater, my 11-year old, who has done theater before, was giving her 9-year old sister, who has never been a part of a production, this advice, 
"Okay, E. Even if you feel like you're going to throw up right before the play starts, don't worry. Once you step onto the stage, it's like you went through a portal...because you won't be nervous anymore. It's great."

I'm not sure where the word "portal" came from. (Possibly The Lego Movie, but the lessons we have learned from that movie I will save for another post.) However, her perspective is right on. Once you step onto the stage, once you send that email or take that first step, you feel brave. And, that changes everything. It doesn't mean the fear is gone. It just means that you've done something about it, instead of letting it paralyze you.

"That's why we have to start. It's why we have to go first. It's why we have to be brave - 

so that others will be inspired to be brave as well.

...the real joy is when we get to be the ones who lead others to a new level of bravery." (p.171)

There are several things, personally and professionally, that I desire related to telling my story:

I want to get my book published.

I want to tell my story in front of people.

I want to be quoted.

I want others to learn how to be brave from me.

At times all of these things seem selfish to me. That's when I hesitate. When I wonder if I should pursue any of these things. I get anxious and overwhelmed by these thoughts, wondering if any of these are really in God's will for my life or if I'm just searching for recognition. If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I tend not to be selfish and the last thing I want is to be noticed or applauded. It's just embarrassing. But, writing my wants here, seeing them in print, still makes me wonder.

"The road to courage is lit by God's wisdom" (p.120)

It is only when I am still and listen to the only voice that truly matters that I am able to hear the truth. God's voice says,

Tell the story I have given you.

Encourage and disciple other women with your voice.

Speak and write truth, so that others may know me.

I may never get the exact things I want. I know that God can give me all these things. I just don't know if he will. That has to be okay. I still have to trust him. God has me on this journey for a reason. 
I just have to be brave. Then, my story can be a part of his story.

GOD made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. 

When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. 

Indeed, I’ve kept alert to GOD ’s ways; I haven’t taken God for granted. 

Every day I review the ways he works, I try not to miss a trick. 

I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. 

GOD rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. 

- 2 Samuel 22:21-25 (MSG) -

Putting on Skates

I have realized something, lately. The fear of failure is one of my biggest fears. It may be why I avoid doing. Not because I'm afraid of the actual task or project, but because I'm afraid that I won't be able to to it. That my efforts will be rejected or unappreciated or that what I've thought was right was completely wrong.

My girls are nine and eleven and just recently learned how to ride a bicycle without training wheels. As I watched them fall with frustration, count their bruises and continue going back for more, I felt like the worst mother in the world. Why hadn't we taught them sooner? Would they become adults who couldn't ride? Soon, they were riding without fear and even inspired their brother to do the same. 

Around that same time that they were learning to ride, my nine-year old was invited to a roller skating party for choir. Both girls wanted to go. They had never skated before and were eager - and anxious - to learn. I watched my oldest fall multiple times in her first attempt around the rink. That was all it took for her to quit. No more skating for her that night. However, E's story was different...because, she kept going. No matter how times she fell, it seemed as if she had something to prove. She was slow and mostly held onto the wall for support, but she persevered.

I am both of them. They are both me. There are some times when my fear of failure is so strong that it paralyzes me. Then, there are other times, when I count my bruises, grab onto the wall and risk failure because it makes the victory even more sweet.

Sometimes the fear of failure steals the beauty we were meant to create.

 If what we are called to do is in God's will for us, we truly can't fail...

we simply may not have the same meaning as God for the word "failure." 

To me, failure means it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. To God, it means I didn't pick up the brush.

-Angie Smith, What Women Fear

Several months ago, I felt God was calling me to pursue opportunities to write and speak outside my current sphere of influence and the boundaries I set had set for myself. I knew this idea was from God simply because it was risky and it was something I never would have thought of doing. Ever.

So, I sent an email to a local Christian camp, introducing myself and my calling. The first response was encouraging, but not exactly what I expected. I sent the required follow up documentation and then I waited. And, waited. Finally, at the beginning of July I sent a follow up email. Then, I waited some more. Yesterday, I received my answer. Thanks, but no thanks. That wasn't exactly what the email said - it was much more kind and eloquently written - but that's what I read. 

It is still fresh and I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling. It was something I really didn't want to do, but felt God pushing me. Why? Was it because He wanted me to do it or because He just wanted to see if I was willing to try? Obviously, at this point I believe it was the latter. There is disappointment, but also relief. There is a sense of failure, but also of success.

Walking with God, following his lead, does not guarantee success. At least by the world's standards. There will be rejection. There will be failure. There may even be times when He asks you to put on your skates and then sit outside the rink, watching everyone else skate by. 
Your job, then is not to feel sorry for yourself, because you're not in the rink, but to support and cheer on your friends and fellow believers in their quest to make it around.
Because...that's right where God wants you.

When Fear Meets Faith {My Messy Beautiful}

When I was a young girl, I was shy. Actually, that's an understatement. I was extremely shy. I barely spoke outside of my home, even though I was speaking in complete sentences by the time I was a year old. My poor mom got some strange looks when she told people I could talk. No one believed her, since they never heard me.

As I grew up, that shyness remained. Although I was still nervous around people, especially those I didn't know well, I was able to participate in school, have conversations and develop friendships.

Yet, the anxiety I had around social conversation, relationships and public speaking continued.

I have always thought too much about my spoken words. There are times when I say something in conversation, which I repeat over and over in my head, wondering if I should have said something else. Because of this, the written word has always been easier for me. I can cut and paste, delete what I don't like and edit for mistakes.

I'm not sure when things started to change. But, I know that they have. Am I still anxious? Yes. Do I have many fears? Yes. Does my entire body shake when I have to speak in front of a group? Yes. Yet, in spite of all of that, I have been able accomplish so much more than I ever thought possible in this area of my life.

It's like God has turned this fear upside down. He has turned it into faith. Does it make sense that if I have a poor self image, posting photos of myself online or on social media would improve it? No. Does it make sense that He would ask me to speak in front of a group of nearly 500 women about feeling weary, which is something I feel often? No.

None of it makes sense. Yet, it is real. This is what has happened to me. This is what my blog is about. It's about turning my fears upside down. It's the point where fear meets faith, and you have to decide what you're going to do. Which path you're going to take.

For so much of my life I have hidden behind my fear. Now, I am choosing to not only face it, but tackle it. Why here? Why now? I don't have the answers to those questions, but I know that it's a part of God's plan for me, for my life. Although I never could have imagined it, He had this moment written before I was even born. Here knew it would be here. He knew it would be now.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. 

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:16

A few weeks ago I was attending a training for work and one of my colleagues did something I've done many times before. When leaving the room, she pulled on the door, instead of pushing. It didn't budge. Then, she looked down and noticed what was written on the door...PUSH.

This makes me think of the story of Jonah. The man who ran the opposite direction of the place God was calling him to go. Even though it was for the purpose of transforming people, he pulled away.

For too many years, I was like my colleague...and like Jonah. I have been pulling away, trying to escape my fears instead of leaning into them. Even when the purpose was clear, when it was clearly written, I did the opposite. Instead of embracing the transformation of my fears, I was struggling against them. Finally, God got through to me. And, started turning my insecurities upside down. That is the story that I am telling here.

We press through the doubts and the fears and we trust because God is trustworthy, and he knows how life is best lived. The more we jump and see our God come alive around us, the more we jump without fear -- and the bigger the cliffs get. 

- Jennie Allen, Anything

Welcome to Peace it all Together - my messy, beautiful. The place where fear meets faith. And, weaknesses are transformed into strengths.

I'm excited to see what can happen. Will you join me in this journey?

I'm Telling You

Today, I need to tell you something that I don't really want to share. Because, once I put it out there I can't take it back. Once I tell you about it, I will be held accountable, to more than just God, my husband and a few trusted writer friends. All of you will know. All of you will expect. That, to me, is scary.

On Tuesday, I wrote about calling. About being in a place where your talents and burdens are brought together to create something beautiful for the glory of God.

I've been doing a lot of self examination lately, much of it encouraged by studying the book Restless, by Jennie Allen. This process has led me to understand that I have many burdens, which stem from my own history, both my highlights and sufferings.

One of my burdens is for women who feel disconnected, who are weary or anxious...because I have been, and some days still feel like, one of those women. Another burden I have is to provide encouragement to those who need it and intercede in prayer for those who may not feel comfortable speaking to God themselves...because I've been there too.

While God has called me to address these burdens in a variety of ways, there is one specific project that I want to share with you today.

"In each day the Lord gives us, let us be consumed with obedient pursuit instead of the perceived victory."

 Angie Smith, What Women Fear

I have spent years feeling afraid.

I have spent months reading about how other godly women have learned to balance fear and faith.

Now, it's time for me to write about how God has used my fear to transform me, in hopes of encouraging other women to take a step towards their own transformation.

A couple of months ago, I was driving to Bible study and God gave me a new vision. It was for a book/devotional project related to my own story of fear and what God's word has to say about it.

If your heart is willing and you want God's glory, and you give him these pieces of your life, something will happen.

Jennie Allen, Restless

So, my goal is to create a 30-day devotional study in the the area of fear and anxiety.

Because I believe that God is calling me to this, I'm going to fix my eyes on Jesus and step out onto the water, knowing that he will be there to catch me if I fall.

What do you think?

The First Day

We can't hide from fear. We can't ignore it.

When O said, "I'm scared of kindergarten," as we pulled into the school parking lot, it would have been easy to say, "don't be scared" or "you'll be fine." But, he will be scared and he might not feel fine.

So, instead we prayed. My rock of a husband led the family in a back to school prayer.

All morning I had been struggling with words. If you saw my post from yesterday, you'll know that my words were gone. I was relying on others to speak for me. I was listening to God, though.

He kept saying, "I will be with him. I will be with him." Each time I would begin to worry, I heard those words.

I also could not get the the lyrics to this song out of my head. God will go before me. He has the whole word in His hands. He is faithful. I will hold on to His promises.

All along O has been scared. I have been scared.

What I've been learning is that being scared is okay. Even if our fears remain, God will be there to pick us up, to help us breathe, to bring us through.
Pretending not to be afraid doesn't work. You can't combat fear without acknowledging it.
When I asked O, after school, if there was anything at kindergarten that scared him, he said, "No." For that, I am grateful. Yet, I know that our time of fear and stress is not over. Each day there is the potential for fear. Whether it comes through a visit to the cafeteria or a fire drill. Or, even on the playground.
O and I talked about recess. He said that he played hide-n-seek with a little girl. This is a game he plays frequently with his sisters. I was grateful that he had found a friend, even for today. When I asked him if he went on the slide he said, "No. There were too many people. They could have bumped me. That hurts." Even though it saddened me that my boy couldn't choose the slide today, I am grateful that he could make that choice and he knows why he made it.
His awareness of his differences and needs is improving. With our help, he has come to understand a little bit about what he feels and why. That knowledge enables him to make choices that offer comfort and help him to feel more in control. Isn't that what we are supposed to do as we get older? Make choices.

I don't want any of my kids to think that they can't feel a certain way. It's okay to be sad, mad, scared, excited, etc. None of these feelings is bad or wrong. Ultimately, it's our ability to recognize and cope with those feelings that really matters. That's what I want O to know. 
One of the things I am most proud of is that O is beginning to recognize his body's sensory needs. While he can't articulate it in those terms, yet, he is using the strategies we have introduced over the past several years to help himself feel better. He is bouncing more, drinking from his special water bottle, asking for tight hugs, wearing his heavy backpack around the house, and so much more.
When we picked O up at school this afternoon, he ran out, breathed a huge sigh of relief and gave me the biggest hug. He had made it through day one.
I feel relieved, yet anxious...about day two and so on. But, I must let it go. 
I have and will continue to do all I know how to make O's transition into kindergarten a success, whatever that may look like for him. Yet, I know that when we drop him off each day, God will go before O, stand beside O, and hold O in His hand. That should be all the comfort I need.
Thanks so much for all of your prayers! 

Does Fear have Value?

Today's scripture challenge word is fear. While I believe that fear is similar to anxiety and worry, I have also found that fear has many faces. And, that there may even be value to experiencing certain types of fear. Last August, I wrote a post, which explored the positive aspects of fear. It seems appropriate to share it with you again, today.

The Faces of Fear - originally posted 8/2/12

I've been thinking a lot about fear, lately. These thoughts have led me to a realization. I have always assumed fear was bad. That to be scared was somehow less than ideal. That I should not let my children feel fear, that I should protect them from this emotion at all costs.

This line of thinking, I realized, is faulty. Fear is not the enemy. It's what you do in the face of fear that counts!

I believe O began his life in anxiety and fear. I've told the stories before of his infancy and the terror he exhibited, even from the slightest movement. He entered toddlerhood with fear. As he began walking, he began to fear navigating objects, stairs, unfamiliar environments. Although, he has never verbalized these fears to me, I observed them, I could feel them.

Consequently, I found myself doing many things to protect him, to keep him from experiencing that fear. Even though I took him to Occupational Therapy, so he could "get better" and I trusted the OT and her expertise more than I trusted myself, I still cringed every time she made him get on the swing or touch the paint. Especially, when he would run to me crying, needing comfort, I thought, "What am I doing?" But, I continued, despite my fear and because of his.

Now, that I have a greater understanding of O's fears, I realize that his fears are really a side effect of his dysfunctional sensory processing. Because everyday experiences may appear uncomfortable or unpredictable to him, he responds with generalized anxiety.

So, for O, the appearance of fear begins as a physiological response, then becomes emotional. I think the opposite is true for most of the rest of us. I know for me, the emotion of fear, although it may begin as only slight discomfort, can often turn into that physiological flight-or-fight response. Mostly flight, in my case, where I feel the need to avoid a certain situation or person. But, I think that there is another face of fear.

In Proverbs, we are told that the fear of the Lord "teaches wisdom," is the "fountain of true knowledge," and "leads to life." Also, Psalm 128:1 says, "How joyful are those who fear the LORD -  all who follow his ways!"

While fear can mean dread or apprehension, in can also mean "to stand in awe." In other words, to have respect for something, knowing that it is beyond your reach. Instead of being puffed up, or showing pride, we need to be reverent, to recognize the power that some people or things have over us, knowing that some fear is healthy, even helpful. It can lead to growth, knowledge, and even a fuller life.

As a mother, I believe I will always be more sensitive to the fears of my children, especially O. But, I am trying to recognize the value of those fears, so that I don't play supermom, trying to step in and save the day, whenever there is the slightest presence of fear. I also want to remain aware of how O experiences the world, so that I can help him navigate through life, in the face of fear.

Through a set of tragic and heart-wrenching experiences this week, I have also come to discover that my faith in an all-powerful, all-knowing God provides me with the the lenses that I view this world. It is because of Him, His sacrifice, and His promise that I have the freedom to live despite my own fears, and the hope that I can conquer them, one day at a time.

The Faces of Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear, lately. If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I've also been trying to take risks, to do things in the face of fear. Earlier this week, I found this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. I thought it perfectly described my goal, my wish for myself...

These thoughts of fear have led me to a realization. I have always assumed fear was bad. That to be scared was somehow less than ideal. That I should not let my children feel fear, that I should protect them from this emotion at all costs.

This line of thinking, I realized, is faulty. Fear is not the enemy. It's what you do in the face of fear that counts!

I believe O began his life in anxiety and fear. I've told the stories before of his infancy and the terror he exhibited, even from the slightest movement. He entered toddlerhood with fear. As he began walking, he began to fear navigating objects, stairs, unfamiliar environments. Although, he has never verbalized these fears to me, I observed them, I could feel them.

Consequently, I found myself doing many things to protect him, to keep him from experiencing that fear. Even though I took him to Occupational Therapy, so he could "get better" and I trusted the OT and her expertise more than I trusted myself, I still cringed every time she made him get on the swing or touch the paint. Especially, when he would run to me crying, needing comfort, I thought, "What am I doing?" But, I continued, despite my fear and because of his.

Now, that I have a greater understanding of O's fears, I realize that his fears are really a side effect. A side effect of his dysfunctional sensory processing. Because everyday experiences may appear uncomfortable or unpredictable to him, he responds with generalized anxiety.

So, for O, the appearance of fear begins as a physiological response, then becomes emotional. I think the opposite is true for most of the rest of us. I know for me, the emotion of fear, although it may begin as only slight discomfort, can often turn into that physiological flight-or-fight response. Mostly flight, in my case, where I feel the need to avoid a certain situation or person. But, I think that there is another face of fear.

In Proverbs, we are told that the fear of the Lord "teaches wisdom," is the "fountain of true knowledge," and "leads to life." Also, Psalm 128:1 says, "How joyful are those who fear the LORD -  all who follow his ways!"

While fear can mean dread or apprehension, in can also mean "to stand in awe." In other words, to have respect for something, knowing that it is beyond your reach. Instead of being puffed up, or showing pride, we need to be reverent, to recognize the power that some people or things have over us, knowing that some fear is healthy, even helpful. It can lead to growth, knowledge, and even a fuller life.

As a mother, I believe I will always be more sensitive to the fears of my children, especially O. But, I am trying to recognize the value of those fears, so that I don't play supermom, trying to step in and save the day, whenever there is the slightest presence of fear. I also want to remain aware of how O experiences the world, so that I can help him navigate through life, in the face of fear.

Through a set of tragic and heart-wrenching experiences this week, I have also come to discover that my faith in an all-powerful, all-knowing God provides me with the the lenses that I view this world. It is because of Him, His sacrifice, and His promise that I have the freedom to live despite my own fears, and the hope that I can conquer them, one day at a time.

It's Worth the Risk

I am not a risk taker. Now, I'm not just talking about huge, physical risks, like sky diving or bungee jumping. I'm talking about any risk, making any change or taking any step that is not a part of my usual path.

Over the past few months, I have found myself taking many more risks. Starting this blog was one of them. I was terrified. Terrified that people would read it, and that they wouldn't. But, as you may have read in an earlier post, I felt led by the Holy Spirit to tell my story, so that even one person may be changed, if not many.

The other area of my life in which I have found myself taking more risks, is relationships. I have felt extremely burdened to connect with, minister to, or show love towards other women, some that I have known for years, and others a shorter time.

This was a new feeling for me. First, because I have always viewed myself as being gifted in and drawn towards ministries involving children. Second, because, I have often been uncomfortable with and avoided taking initiative in relationships based on fear. Fear that the person may not need me - "She knows so many people, has so many friends, what does she need with me?" Or, being afraid of rejection, of hearing the word "no" in response to an invite, taking it personally - "She must not want to go with me."

Now, these fears and insecurities may seem silly to some of you, but they have always been real to me, and have kept me at a distance from others. So, when I felt God saying something like, "You need to connect with her. Send her a note. Take her for coffee. Invite her over for dinner," I thought it was crazy! Really?! This can't be right. But, I kept feeling it...that burden, that need to connect just wouldn't go away.

So, I had no choice but to listen. I believe that my ability to take more risks, has been due to my openness to what God wants me to do, not what I want or am comfortable with. This has been an amazing change in my life since April, and I am so grateful for it.

And, as a result, I have been blessed with many more relationships, with some amazing people. People I would have missed the chance to connect with had I chose to ignore that voice, that stirring within.

Joyce Meyer, in Promises for Your Everyday Life, puts it this way, "Every common person can be used mightily by God. You just have to believe He can use you and be daring enough to embrace the goals or vision He puts in your heart. You have been chosen!"

For what purpose has God chosen you? Is there a risk you should take?

Search for Independence

As a country, we just finished celebrating Independence Day. Personally, that meant...Fireworks. Food. Friends. Fun.

However, in my house, the independence I spend most days focusing on, in not such a celebratory manner, is that of a preschooler, which looks very different. Hands on hips. Loud voice. "I'll do it myself!"

It's not that I don't want O to become more independent. In fact, I am so proud of the many things that he can do on his own. To put it in perspective, a year ago O had difficulty using both of his hands together to complete a task, which made something simple, like pulling up or or down his own pants, a challenge. Try it sometime...it really does take two hands. He is now able to dress himself, when he wants to, but it's not a smooth or quick process.

Then, there's the attitude and resistance to accepting even the smallest amount of help, that comes on the path towards independence. There is nothing more frustrating to me than when O decides that he wants to buckle his own seat belt, when we are already leaving later than planned, and he won't let me do anything to help the process along.

Yet, I stand there, trying not to show my annoyance, all the while thinking, "Why can't you just accept a little help? It really would make this process more efficient and go a lot faster."

This got me thinking...Don't I like to do things myself? Isn't this why I don't often ask for help? Even though I know that asking for help is not a bad thing, I cannot bring myself to do it easily. It's possible that there is a bit of pride involved. Or maybe I see it as a sign of weakness in myself, even though that's not how I view it in others. Whatever the reason, I would rather "do it myself" (at times, with a little attitude) than ask for help.

You'd think that this resistance to help would mean that I have complete confidence in myself, in my ability to do it all on my own. In fact, the opposite is true. I would love to have more confidence, in myself or my abilities.

Take a look at the confidence described in Paul's letter to the Romans:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. - Romans 15:13 (NLT)

First we trust in God, then, when He fills us with joy, peace, confidence, and hope, we can do it.

Here is a photo of my little boy on Independence Day.

Is he scared of fireworks? Yes and no. Although he loves how they look, he doesn't like how they sound. Honestly, they are loud. So, in order to enjoy the fireworks this year, he took a little assistance, from some noise-canceling head phones.

Maybe we do life best with a little support, protection. Is it when we are just scared enough or when our confidence has taken just enough of a beating, we are more willing to accept the help of someone or something? Just something to think about...

Footprints

This was one of O's gift to me for Mother's Day. He actually let someone - granted it was a trusted adult, in a trusted environment, but still - put paint on his feet. Then, he kept it on there long enough to make a print with it.

Such an awesome gift! Especially from a kid who, for the longest time, would not even go near a table if it held paint supplies, as if the paint held some type of poison or was dangerous in some way. He really was that fearful.

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. 

For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. 

He will neither fail you nor abandon you. - Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)

When I found this verse, I knew immediately it would be my prayer for O. I will share it with him one day.

My Boy and His Bike

A little over a year ago, I could not get O on a bike. He wouldn't even sit on it and let me push him. It was just not happening. This was a huge concern for me...what little boy doesn't ride a bike?

So, we made this a goal. We worked with him. First, just sitting on the bike. Then, sitting on the bike and having someone push or pull it. Once he was comfortable with this, it became time to teach him how to pedal and steer. This was not easy, especially for a kid with problems with motor planning, meaning...he can see what you want him to do, but has difficulty getting his legs, feet, etc. to actually do it.

Once O started preschool, this became part of his weekly routine, to ride on the back of a two-seater or pedal one himself. Gradually, he got more and more comfortable with pedaling, steering and stopping a bike, at school and at home. He even asked me if he could get a bike for his birthday. He actually wanted a bike! So, of course we got him one. It's not a huge bike, but it looks like one a "big boy" would ride, as that was one of the criteria I was given. Check out this photo from the morning of his birthday...

As you can tell, he loved the bike! And, after thirty minutes of riding the bike in circles around the island in our kitchen, the motor skills associated with this new bike became part of his motor-memory and he was ready to ride...anywhere!

Courage is being scared to death - and saddling up anyway! - John Wayne

Here Comes Summer

As summertime approaches, I am feeling more and more stress. What?! Why!? Summer is my time off from work, the time when I can focus on being a mom, without the daily stresses of my other job. But, summer brings with it many challenges, some of which I am not ready to face.

Summer brings the end of another school year. My girls love school. So, seeing a school year end is not easy, especially for E. I'm not sure how much she would love school if she didn't love her teacher. Each year she has developed such a connection with her teacher that it breaks her heart to say goodbye. Last year, I watched her walk away from kindergarten with gut-wrenching sobs. She was crying so hard, she could barely walk. It was the worst I have ever felt for one of my children. It hurt! I am anticipating another tear-filled afternoon on June 8th. She just loves her teacher!

Summer brings change. Change in our schedule and routine. Change in our sleeping and eating habits and in our daily activities. While this change may be welcome for some in our family, this type of change is very difficult for O. Routine and structure help him cope. When those things that have become constants change, the unpredictability is killer. I mean, he has trouble when you give him the wrong plate at dinner or when you ask him to pull up his pants before he flushes the toilet. Can you imagine how he feels when mom isn't going to work and sisters aren't going to school everyday? While he loves having us around, it makes things confusing and different. And, different is difficult for him.

Summer also brings projects, tasks that I have put off, thinking that they would be easier accomplished in the summer. One thing I've put off is working on O's eating habits. I would really like for him to try new foods, so that he's not eating the same three or four things everyday. This will be a long process, since he does not even leave unwanted food items on his plate, let alone put them near his mouth. Although I have been collecting ideas on how to approach these food issues and I know it needs to be done, it's not something that I am looking forward to.

Summer brings swim lessons, Vacation Bible School, family vacation, more time in the car, a month off of preschool...the list goes on. There's also the challenge of occupying three very different children with entertaining activities, that are educational and not too overwhelming. Why have I not started planning or preparing for any of these things? I am trying to take it one day at a time. Unfortunately, I am running out those days...summer will be here soon.

Yesterday, when I wrote this post, I had no resolution. Just stress. Then, due to the circumstances of life, I was not able to post. It was late last night that this verse came to me. I have been rehearsing it in my mind ever since.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned;

struck down, but not destroyed.

- 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Now, even though my issues are nowhere near resolved, I have a renewed sense of hope and am confident that I am not in this alone!

No Shots Today

So, I am a big, fat chicken! Took O and E to the doctor for their well-child check-ups and the doctor offered to take care of O's kindergarten shots, even though he still has another year of preschool before he will be kindergarten age. Dr. K said that these shots can be given anytime after a child turns four and still count for kindergarten readiness. This sounds like good news, except that...I'm a big, fat chicken!

Although Dr. K is not technically allowed tell me what to do, he strongly encouraged me to consider having the shots. After all, most insurance companies don't pay for two well-child check-ups in one year. However, I knew that this wasn't the case for my insurance. I had checked into this two years ago when E entered kindergarten, since her birthday is also in April and kindergarten registration is often in March. So, I really didn't have to worry about that.

What I did have to worry about was that, not only had I not prepared O for this doctor visit - the time had gotten away from me - but I had definitely not prepared him to get shots. In all fairness, he did really well with the visit, largely in part because he got to watch his big sister bravely go through all of the same things he was going to have to do. You should have seen his face when the nurse mistakenly asked him to get weighed first. I didn't think he would let go of me. I calmly asked E if she would go first. Being an awesome big sister, she complied.

So, after a relatively easy visit, I couldn't imagine having to endure four shots. None of us were prepared for that. So, no shots. But, the whole way home I berated myself, internally of course, about my lack of courage. Why didn't I just get the shots? Wouldn't it have been easier? Aside from the screaming four year old I would have had to restrain, on my own, while the "shot lady" asked me, not so politely, to keep him still, it would have been okay, right? No, it was just too hard!

This is one thing that I continually struggle with as a mother of a special needs child...when and how far to push. So, sometimes I just don't push at all. I know that it's not the best solution, but it is at times the most comfortable solution for me and for O.  It's possible that the shot situation is not the best example. I mean, any mother in the same situation, might make the same decision for their child, right? But, I wouldn't have, at least not for my girls.

However, I am famous for this, for taking the easy way out, especially when it comes to O. I have often let his teachers and therapists do the pushing, and when I am confident that he has made significant progress, I can then help him into mastery and with generalizing that skill. It's the initial push that kills me.

Why is this so hard? Because, I want life to be easier for him. Because, as much as I love him and appreciate him for who he is, I wish things were different. I don't want him to have to endure the issues that are a part of his make-up. I don't want to be the one who makes things harder. Even though my intellect knows he needs practice with these hard things, my heart says something entirely different.

In most areas of my life, I lead with my head, not my heart. I am all about being rational and using practical and logical reasoning. With O, I am in constant battle with my emotional side. I am hoping to win this war, in time.