Starting to Make Sense

Now that I have gone back to work and the kids have returned to school, I have been thinking about all the things that I should have done or had planned to do with O this summer. It was going to be a summer of progress, or so I had myself convinced. But, instead of eating more foods, he's actually become more picky - if that's possible! Instead of watching less tv, he has found new shows and a new channel to become obsessed with. Oh, the guilt!

Then, when I couldn't stand feeling guilty anymore, I decided to take a step back, to look to see what we had accomplished.

Not long after starting my blog, I began looking for others who were blogging about raising children with sensory processing difficulties. I found several individual blogs and also a blogger network related to sensory processing disorder. There was one woman from this group that reached out to me and was instrumental in me joining a private group on Facebook dedicated to helping parents live a positive "sensory life." This group is led by an Occupational Therapist with a huge knowledge-base and lots of practical strategies and activities for children with dysfunctional sensory processing.

Although this was not one of the outcomes I had expected from my blog, I was grateful to have found a group of parents (mostly mothers) to support and strategize with about one of the most difficult areas of my life. As a result, we were able to try many new sensory strategies and exercises this summer.

This is O in his "squish box." 

It helps him calm down and generally feel better.

Here is O trying one of his new exercises. 

The "superman" exercise is his favorite, but I didn't have a photo of that one.

Another new favorite, the hippity-hop ball. 

Great for bouncing around the house or balancing on his belly.

We also built an obstacle course in the house, equipped with items to jump on, over and around. Even the girls got into that one. Also new to us...O loves to get "squeezes" on his arms, legs, back and head, which help him feel good on his bad days. (He even requests them sometimes.)

So, although we didn't get to the things I had planned, there are many things that O does that make more sense to me now. And, there were things that we did do that seem to be helping him be a more regulated, happy little boy. A happier boy makes for a happier mama!

Got Guilt?

I hear the way my kids talk to each other. I see their fears, weaknesses and habits. And, I think, that is so me. They have learned that from me. It's all my fault!

Some days I feel like I'm creating monsters instead of raising children! In addition to the patterns I have created based on my response to their behaviors, I know that my kids have learned all sorts of bad habits from how I behave. I know that I am to blame!

This is particularly true with O. After all, there were many times, before he could use verbal communication effectively, that I would anticipate what he needed or wanted. Along with that, came my instant response to his requests in an attempt to avoid difficult situations, so as to prevent a melt down . And, there is always that thought, in the back of my mind, that if I were somehow different, maybe if I weren't always so particular about things, he wouldn't be that way either. I feel so guilty!

My guilt overwhelms me - it is a burden too heavy to bear. - Psalm 38:4 (NLT)

I was having a conversation with a friend about this very thing last week...guilt. We all feel it, whether it is truly our doing or not. Sometimes, I feel so much guilt that it consumes me, it takes over all other emotions. Yet, instead of responding by changing my behavior or apologizing for my error, I worry about it. I begin analyzing myself as a mother, wife, friend, human being. The "what ifs" and "whys" become the norm instead of the exception.

Why do we analyze ourselves? I do it because I don't want to be guilty of messing up my own kids. To be at fault or to blame for creating and raising my kids the wrong way. Words like guilt, blame and fault all have such negative connotations. But, aren't we ultimately responsible? Shouldn't we be accountable for our actions and how they affect those around us, especially our children?

There is definitely a need for balance between being weighted down by feelings of guilt and blame and the need for accountability. I know that I have not found that balance. I do not yet have the ability to take the responsibility without shouldering all the blame. Have you?

Although I have not achieved this balance or succeeded in obtaining peace in the face of guilt, I have found myself looking to the scriptures, toward a living God who is bigger than all of it. Here is what He says:

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

 - Matthew 11:28 (NLT)

Going Back

Monday, August 13th. My first day back to work after two months of summer vacation. This is a day I have not been looking forward to for several reasons. Going back to work means getting up really early, time away from my kiddos, exhaustion, added stress, and the list goes on.

In an attempt to look at the positive, and I'll admit, a little bit silly, side of things, I came up with a list of several reasons of why I am looking forward to the end of summer vacation. Here are some of the things I came up with:

1. Enjoying my morning workout without an audience, who while meaning to provide encouraging comments, is not so encouraging.
2. Being able to visit the restroom without being asked, "Is it going to be long or short?" or "Do you have to go a lot or a little bit?"
3. Answering to a name other than "mom" or "mama".
4. Having expectations other than feeding, clothing or playing being placed upon me.
5. Not being apprised of the color, frequency, or size of anyone's bowel movements.

Seriously, I am looking forward to the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of my students, their families and my colleagues. Join me in praying for a productive and enjoyable 2012-2013 school year.

My Identity

Recently, some of my life experiences have caused to me reevaluate my identity. What is it that defines me? 

I attended a funeral of a friend's husband this week, and, as is typical at funerals, his friends and family attempted to describe him, to pay tribute to who he was. As I sat there, I thought about what people might say about me, how they would describe my identity.

One of the most important things to me recently has been to show to others, through a variety of ways, my identity as a Christian. To be a light in the midst of the darkness of this world, and in particular, the darkness that some of my friends and family have been experiencing lately. I often feel unworthy of this task and wonder if I am falling short of my goal.

I have also had the opportunity to reevaluate my faith recently, specifically as it compares to other religions and practices. This reevaluation led me to the search for a document that I had received from a Sunday School teacher several years ago. As I reread it, I found the following words used to describe me, as a follower of Jesus:  redeemed, forgiven, freed, chosen, holy and complete. As I had remembered, it was extremely encouraging. I have linked to a similar document here.

There has been a lot of hype around identity theft in recent years. And, although it's never happened to me on a grand scale, I have had people get my credit or debit card number and use it to purchase watches, airline tickets, etc. Fortunately, I have a wonderful financial institution that notifies me when any "suspicious spending" takes place. Additionally, about a year ago, my conscientious husband purchased an additional plan to protect us against identity theft.

Although John 10:10 states that the devil's "purpose is to steal and kill and destroy," I am most grateful and encouraged by the fact that, for my identity in Christ, I do not need a to pay for a special protection plan, because Jesus has already paid the price, and his "purpose is to give [me] a rich and satisfying life."

Unlike my other identities or roles, there is nothing I did to earn or deserve my identity in Christ. And, equally as important, this is an identity I can never lose.

The Faces of Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear, lately. If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I've also been trying to take risks, to do things in the face of fear. Earlier this week, I found this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. I thought it perfectly described my goal, my wish for myself...

These thoughts of fear have led me to a realization. I have always assumed fear was bad. That to be scared was somehow less than ideal. That I should not let my children feel fear, that I should protect them from this emotion at all costs.

This line of thinking, I realized, is faulty. Fear is not the enemy. It's what you do in the face of fear that counts!

I believe O began his life in anxiety and fear. I've told the stories before of his infancy and the terror he exhibited, even from the slightest movement. He entered toddlerhood with fear. As he began walking, he began to fear navigating objects, stairs, unfamiliar environments. Although, he has never verbalized these fears to me, I observed them, I could feel them.

Consequently, I found myself doing many things to protect him, to keep him from experiencing that fear. Even though I took him to Occupational Therapy, so he could "get better" and I trusted the OT and her expertise more than I trusted myself, I still cringed every time she made him get on the swing or touch the paint. Especially, when he would run to me crying, needing comfort, I thought, "What am I doing?" But, I continued, despite my fear and because of his.

Now, that I have a greater understanding of O's fears, I realize that his fears are really a side effect. A side effect of his dysfunctional sensory processing. Because everyday experiences may appear uncomfortable or unpredictable to him, he responds with generalized anxiety.

So, for O, the appearance of fear begins as a physiological response, then becomes emotional. I think the opposite is true for most of the rest of us. I know for me, the emotion of fear, although it may begin as only slight discomfort, can often turn into that physiological flight-or-fight response. Mostly flight, in my case, where I feel the need to avoid a certain situation or person. But, I think that there is another face of fear.

In Proverbs, we are told that the fear of the Lord "teaches wisdom," is the "fountain of true knowledge," and "leads to life." Also, Psalm 128:1 says, "How joyful are those who fear the LORD -  all who follow his ways!"

While fear can mean dread or apprehension, in can also mean "to stand in awe." In other words, to have respect for something, knowing that it is beyond your reach. Instead of being puffed up, or showing pride, we need to be reverent, to recognize the power that some people or things have over us, knowing that some fear is healthy, even helpful. It can lead to growth, knowledge, and even a fuller life.

As a mother, I believe I will always be more sensitive to the fears of my children, especially O. But, I am trying to recognize the value of those fears, so that I don't play supermom, trying to step in and save the day, whenever there is the slightest presence of fear. I also want to remain aware of how O experiences the world, so that I can help him navigate through life, in the face of fear.

Through a set of tragic and heart-wrenching experiences this week, I have also come to discover that my faith in an all-powerful, all-knowing God provides me with the the lenses that I view this world. It is because of Him, His sacrifice, and His promise that I have the freedom to live despite my own fears, and the hope that I can conquer them, one day at a time.