Some days I feel like I'm creating monsters instead of raising children! In addition to the patterns I have created based on my response to their behaviors, I know that my kids have learned all sorts of bad habits from how I behave. I know that I am to blame!
This is particularly true with O. After all, there were many times, before he could use verbal communication effectively, that I would anticipate what he needed or wanted. Along with that, came my instant response to his requests in an attempt to avoid difficult situations, so as to prevent a melt down . And, there is always that thought, in the back of my mind, that if I were somehow different, maybe if I weren't always so particular about things, he wouldn't be that way either. I feel so guilty!
My guilt overwhelms me - it is a burden too heavy to bear. - Psalm 38:4 (NLT)
I was having a conversation with a friend about this very thing last week...guilt. We all feel it, whether it is truly our doing or not. Sometimes, I feel so much guilt that it consumes me, it takes over all other emotions. Yet, instead of responding by changing my behavior or apologizing for my error, I worry about it. I begin analyzing myself as a mother, wife, friend, human being. The "what ifs" and "whys" become the norm instead of the exception.
Why do we analyze ourselves? I do it because I don't want to be guilty of messing up my own kids. To be at fault or to blame for creating and raising my kids the wrong way. Words like guilt, blame and fault all have such negative connotations. But, aren't we ultimately responsible? Shouldn't we be accountable for our actions and how they affect those around us, especially our children?
There is definitely a need for balance between being weighted down by feelings of guilt and blame and the need for accountability. I know that I have not found that balance. I do not yet have the ability to take the responsibility without shouldering all the blame. Have you?
Although I have not achieved this balance or succeeded in obtaining peace in the face of guilt, I have found myself looking to the scriptures, toward a living God who is bigger than all of it. Here is what He says:
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11:28 (NLT)
1 comment:
Sybil, my husband and I were just talking about this same thing last night. I can't wait to show him the pictue you posted at the beginning of this blog post. We keep reminding ourselves that there really is no handbook for our kids with special issues, and all we can do is keep trying different ways to reach them until we find somthing that works. And not beat ourselves up too much on the rare occasions when we lose our patience. Most of all, we keep praying every night that God gives us more patience and wisdom to handle things in our lives and to help us make good decisions. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us! You aren't alone!
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