The R Word

Parent-teacher conferences. I love them. I love talking with my kids' teachers and hearing about all the great things my kids are doing. My girls are both good students, who have a strong sense of responsibility and understand the importance of education.

So, I was expecting nothing less today, parent-teacher conference day. While the report card grades were excellent, there was one issue with A. Not academic. Respect.

I'm so proud of my girls and their achievement, but I would rather have seen a poor grade than an issue with behavior, especially this type of behavior. For me, there is no excuse for disrespect. Limited achievement, difficultly learning, I could handle. I have plenty of strategies for that. But, disrespect. How do I change that?

I will admit, I'm putting more emphasis on it here, than the teacher did at the conference. The exact statement was, "I'd like her to always be respectful." Me too. We've struggled with this at home for awhile now. But, before this year, it was always a home problem, not a school problem.

Although I know it is crazy, I feel like I have failed somewhere as a parent. Did I teach her that she always has to be right? Did I teach her to argue her point ad nauseam, without much regard for the feelings of others? What type of behavior am I modeling?

I don't like to be wrong, especially when I can't hide the error or it's pointed out to me. I know she gets it from me. Unfortunately, it's in her genes.

What will we do about this? I don't know. There will be conversations. I will need to watch my own behavior. There should also be prayer. Not for a perfect child. For wisdom. For love.

A's Letter

I wrote this letter for my oldest daughter, who is so much like me, in so many ways. Maybe I'll read it to her, someday.

Dear A,
You seem to be struggling lately. Your spark for learning and for pushing beyond your comfort zone, appears to have been replaced by self-doubt and defeat. I know it's hard, but try not worry about being the best. Just be the best A you can be. Don't give up if you don't get something on the first try, if it doesn't come easily to you. There will be things in life that will require more effort, that take more time. If something does not come easily, it is not a reflection on you or your competence. It doesn't mean you're stupid. It just means that you're going to have to work harder. I know you want to be the best at everything, that you want to be perfect. But, that's not possible. You cannot be the best at everything. There is always going to be someone that can go faster, read better, jump higher.

And, that's okay. Because, I love you. Your dad loves you. And, more importantly, God loves you. He created you. He knew you even before you were born. He knows your strengths and your weaknesses. He knows what will be hard and can help you, if you ask Him.

I want what's best for YOU, not for you to be the best. So, don't give up. Because one day there may be something bigger than math facts or a back handspring. It might be a relationship, or a job, or college. It may be something that is important for your future. Even though it is hard for me to say, life will not be easy. You will struggle. There will be hard things. But, just because life is not easy, does not mean you should just give up. You can't decide that it's not worth it. You have to keep going. Keep trying, because there's so much more that you can do!

Love,
Mom

Changing the Focus

Lately, I feel like I've been inundated with complaints. This is mainly because most days, my three children seem to enjoy complaining over the smallest things...like being asked to close a cupboard door, take a shower, hang up their own towel, put on their own shoes, etc.

When living with a child with dysfunctional sensory processing, the number of complaints seems to grow exponentially. Either the bath water is too hot, the temperature of the food is not right, or his shoes are too tight. There have been many times when O has told us something hurts him, even though, to a typical person, these things would feel "just right" or would only be a minor annoyance.

I have since learned that this feeling he described as pain, may actually feel painful to him because our pain and temperature receptors are interpreted by the same part of our brain. Early on in our sensory journey, we were told that while it was important to redirect O, letting him know that these things that "hurt" him were not actually harmful, it was also important not to invalidate how things felt to him. So, instead of saying, "It doesn't hurt," we were to say something like, "I know you don't like how that feels" or "I know it feels weird."

Hmmmm....Differentiate, but don't invalidate. I have been reminded of this lately, as I listen and attempt to respond to the complaints of those around me.

I think there is definitely a time for complaining. Being able to vent, to get out all your frustrations and just say what you feel, without reservation, is not always bad. As a psychologist I believe that keeping those negative feelings inside, not sharing them with someone, is generally a bad idea. But, what I've been struggling with lately, is when people, in various areas of my life, make complaining their standard behavior.

I have definitely been a habitual complainer, myself. However, I have begun to make a transformation over the past few months, after making a conscious decision to look at the positive and to try not to criticize. Or, more accurately, when I think of a criticism, to also think of a possible solution to the problem. I see this as a shift in focus. I am attempting to validate an area of need, while differentiating between being problem-focused versus solution-focused. This is not easy.

I had lunch with some colleagues last month. In the group of eight people, some people choose anger and complaints, while others, even though frustrated, were choosing to approach the situation with a positive attitude. I had one colleague say that she had signed up to be a part of every committee that was available because she wanted things to change and to have her opinions included in that change. That is a good example of choosing to be solution-focused.

While I can recognize the need for this type of attitude, I know that is not something that I posses consistently. It's definitely not one of my strengths. But, I do want to continue changing, moving toward solutions instead of being stuck in an attitude of complaining.

I found this idea on Pinterest...

I've been thinking about using it in our house, for all of us, not just for the kids. I think we all need to be accountable for our behavior.

And, since I probably cannot implement this same strategy at work, I had to think of something different. I have seen this poster in many offices...

Although very direct, I don't think it fits with the positive vibe I am going for. I found this poster at the local school supply store...

I put it up in one of my offices. If nothing else, it is a daily reminder for me to check my own attitude.

I'm hoping that my attitude becomes contagious, in a good way.

Loving School, or Not. It's Okay.

I have come to a realization this week. Education, being educated, is important. Liking school, having a strong desire to be there, is not important. Surprised? Strange coming from an educator? Let me explain.

How many times have your heard your kids say, "I don't want to go to school" or "I do not like school"? I'll be honest, before O started preschool, I don't think I heard this phrase uttered in my house, at least not often.

My girls have always loved school. Although, we did go through periods of tears and clinging during their preschool years, I have generally had no problems getting them motivated or interested in school. They just are. That being said, it has been very easy for me to tell when my girls are really sick or are experiencing problems at school, as this is the only time they protest going.

This is not the case with O. He will tell me numerous times a day that he doesn't like school. He also asks me, at least once a day, "What's tomorrow?" Meaning, "Where am I going tomorrow?" He knows he goes to school three days each week and he knows which days those are, but he continues to ask.

As annoying as it is to hear the same questions daily, I love that he is expressing himself using words, now. I remember when he was between one and two-years old...we really started to notice self-injurious behaviors. O would bang his head, not on soft surfaces, but on the hardwood floor. I just remember being so scared, thinking, this is not a good thing. Once we got into speech therapy and gave him some communication skills, the head banging decreased. Eventually, we were able to eliminate the behavior.

Now, at nearly four and a half, he has such an extensive vocabulary and his communication skills are so much more developed. His ability to recognize what is bothering him and communicate that to us has improved so much and has helped us to meet his needs. I am looking forward to the continued blossoming of his communication, because I know that it will enable him to express his difficulties and even request things his body needs.

Now, do I really think O dislikes everything about school? No. I know that there are many things that he has fun doing at school. I know that he loves academics, learning about numbers and letters. I know he has grown so much since being in preschool, learning how to play with others, and learning what it means to be a friend. He is always talking about his friends and their interests. He excitedly tells me about story time and explains the games the class plays together. And, when I ask him, "Did you like the story?" or "Did you have fun playing that game?" he will most often say, "Yes."

Now, for my revelation. The other day, O says to me, "School  is just too much!" That's when it hit me. (Insert tears here, because this is where they came for me.) There are so many more things that he has to deal with, to process, than the rest of us. Thinking about school for him, is not just knowing the schedule, which he can rattle off in detail to me, including all those things that he likes. It's whether there's going to be new friends, if the lights are going to be too bright, if there is going to be a noise that he doesn't like, if he has to try something new, or if he's going to have to sit next to someone who smells like peanut butter (which he has a strong aversion to, by the way). It's all those things, and more.

Even being in an environment that he is familiar with, he is expressing that it's too much. It was that moment that spoke to me...my little boy may never love school in the same way that his sisters do. It may always be "too much" for him. I'm not trying to be a defeatist, just a realist. Can he cope? Will he go? Can he love the things that happen there? The answer is, yes. 

But, it will not be an unconditional love. When he's tired or stressed or when he starts thinking about all the things he has to do or try at school, it just feels like too much. It's at those times that it's my job to help him focus on the things about school that he does enjoy and figure out a way to help him cope, to tolerate those other things that he doesn't like or is nervous about. I have some tools to do that, now. But, O doesn't have to love school. It's okay if he doesn't.

Got Guilt?

I hear the way my kids talk to each other. I see their fears, weaknesses and habits. And, I think, that is so me. They have learned that from me. It's all my fault!

Some days I feel like I'm creating monsters instead of raising children! In addition to the patterns I have created based on my response to their behaviors, I know that my kids have learned all sorts of bad habits from how I behave. I know that I am to blame!

This is particularly true with O. After all, there were many times, before he could use verbal communication effectively, that I would anticipate what he needed or wanted. Along with that, came my instant response to his requests in an attempt to avoid difficult situations, so as to prevent a melt down . And, there is always that thought, in the back of my mind, that if I were somehow different, maybe if I weren't always so particular about things, he wouldn't be that way either. I feel so guilty!

My guilt overwhelms me - it is a burden too heavy to bear. - Psalm 38:4 (NLT)

I was having a conversation with a friend about this very thing last week...guilt. We all feel it, whether it is truly our doing or not. Sometimes, I feel so much guilt that it consumes me, it takes over all other emotions. Yet, instead of responding by changing my behavior or apologizing for my error, I worry about it. I begin analyzing myself as a mother, wife, friend, human being. The "what ifs" and "whys" become the norm instead of the exception.

Why do we analyze ourselves? I do it because I don't want to be guilty of messing up my own kids. To be at fault or to blame for creating and raising my kids the wrong way. Words like guilt, blame and fault all have such negative connotations. But, aren't we ultimately responsible? Shouldn't we be accountable for our actions and how they affect those around us, especially our children?

There is definitely a need for balance between being weighted down by feelings of guilt and blame and the need for accountability. I know that I have not found that balance. I do not yet have the ability to take the responsibility without shouldering all the blame. Have you?

Although I have not achieved this balance or succeeded in obtaining peace in the face of guilt, I have found myself looking to the scriptures, toward a living God who is bigger than all of it. Here is what He says:

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

 - Matthew 11:28 (NLT)

Going Back

Monday, August 13th. My first day back to work after two months of summer vacation. This is a day I have not been looking forward to for several reasons. Going back to work means getting up really early, time away from my kiddos, exhaustion, added stress, and the list goes on.

In an attempt to look at the positive, and I'll admit, a little bit silly, side of things, I came up with a list of several reasons of why I am looking forward to the end of summer vacation. Here are some of the things I came up with:

1. Enjoying my morning workout without an audience, who while meaning to provide encouraging comments, is not so encouraging.
2. Being able to visit the restroom without being asked, "Is it going to be long or short?" or "Do you have to go a lot or a little bit?"
3. Answering to a name other than "mom" or "mama".
4. Having expectations other than feeding, clothing or playing being placed upon me.
5. Not being apprised of the color, frequency, or size of anyone's bowel movements.

Seriously, I am looking forward to the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of my students, their families and my colleagues. Join me in praying for a productive and enjoyable 2012-2013 school year.

Just One Day

My day yesterday began just after 6am. I awoke to find O sleeping next to me. And, when I say next, I mean sleeping with his back smashed against mine. I have been waking up this way for months, as O has been making the trek down the hall to our bedroom every night. I'm still not sure how or when it started, and, although it is not something that I wish to continue, I have not yet done anything to stop it.

I left O sleeping in bed and walked to the front of the house. As is typical, A was sitting on the couch watching TV. She is, and always has been, my early riser. She will sleep in if she goes to bed later than usual, but that also increases her chances for sleep walking. We first discovered her sleep walking last summer, when M caught her trying to get out of the house. It is generally frightening and we have found that she is less likely to sleep walk if she is in bed early. And, in bed early, means awake early, even during summer vacation.

I passed M in the hallway, as he was on his way to shower. I gave him a quick "good morning" and continued on, hoping to get a moment to sit peacefully before the craziness of the day began.

Sometimes in the early morning,  I will take time to exercise. But, not yesterday. Just wasn't up for it.

By 7am everyone was awake and M had taken off to work. He had to drive out of town again, so he had left the house early. I spent the morning assisting the kids with getting their breakfasts, and when I was sure that no one would need me for 10 minutes, I took time for my shower.

Once we all were ready, meaning dressed with our hair combed and teeth brushed, we headed to the grocery store. Because of the heat, I was anxious to get to the store early, so we could get home and remain there the  rest of the day.

I spent my time in the grocery store, and pretty much the rest of the day, alternating between enjoying my children and being annoyed by them. It is a fine line sometimes, especially when the girls get to giggling, which irritates their brother, who starts yelling for them to be quiet. Then, I realize that O's tolerance for noise is not too much different from mine. It is at that point that I separate the girls for a brief period, just enough time to get rid of the giggles.

We also baked bread, put together puzzles, and built a zoo. The kids played together for awhile, with two pretending to be animals, while the other was their owner. If you know my kids, you will automatically know who played the part of the owner. Because of this arrangement, the game didn't last long.

After lunch was rest time. It is definitely a time of the day that I look forward to. O still naps, for about two hours, and the girls are required to have an hour of quiet time, separated from each other. It was heavenly.

I also got a lot of reading done yesterday, even after rest, while O played with his trains and the girls were painting. It was one of those days when it was enough for me to be in a central location in the house, accessible to all, but not necessarily involved. Those types of days, have been coming more often, since O is getting used to having us all home, and doesn't feel the need to have me nearest to him all day.

I made dinner. Or, more accurately I put together a dinner of sloppy joes and Caesar salad for the girls and I. O had his usual chicken nuggets, pasta and watermelon, with ketchup, of course.

After dinner, the girls did their clean up and chores for the evening, which included emptying the dishwasher so that I could load it again. Then, the girls decided they were in the business of hand and feet massages. So, while taking some more time to read, I got my hands and feet massaged. And, the best part, I only owe each of them a quarter, which they so generously told me I could pay them later.

O watched Thomas while I wrote and the girls got ready for bed. Throughout the movie, O asked me questions about his movie. Even though he already knows the answers, he asks me questions like, "Which engine is blue and has the number one?" Sometimes I know the answer and sometimes I don't. He often gives me multiple choice, which only sometimes helps me get the answer right. If I give the wrong answer, I am corrected and we move on to the next one.

With 10 minutes to go before bed, I informed O that I was going to set the bedtime timer. Everything just seems to go better when there is a timer set.

When the timer rang, it was time for potty and teeth. Last night, we got through it with no resistance, thankfully. Then, it was a story for O and me going between all three bedrooms until every child was satisfied that I had answered all their questions and met their needs for the day. Why is it that bed time brings the most philosophical and theological questions? Maybe there is some avoidance involved.

This process takes the longest with O. He must ask me all of his usual questions, get the nail that has been bugging him all day cut, and decide if he wants to be snug in his covers and how many covers he wants, if he wants any at all.

The rounds of bedroom hopping and questions, ends with the dreaded question. It's the one I hope he forgets, but hasn't for months, "Mom, can I sleep in your bed tonight?" If I say no, it will start a huge meltdown and since I am so close to some time to myself, I desperately want to avoid that. So, I say, "Yes, but you have to sleep in your bed first," hoping that he will actually sleep in his bed all night. Probably won't happen. And, so it continues....

To Walk or Not to Walk

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. 

But to hold it together when everyone else would understand 

if you fell apart, that's true strength. 

- Christopher Reeves

Picture a mom, standing in the middle of a parking lot, carrying a large, pink bag. Behind her, about 10 feet, is a screaming four-year old boy. What are you thinking? What do you want to say to her?

This was my scene last Friday. It was the last day of school for my girls and O and I were going to watch them both perform in the school's talent show. He and I had talked about our day, what we would be doing and in what order. I had also prepared a bag (my large pink one) with enough snacks, drinks and activities to last us through the two hours we would be outside at the school. In my mind, we were ready.

And, things were great...until we started walking from the car into the school. We had walked a few steps and then O stopped. He started crying for me to pick him up. Although, I sometimes will still carry him, today I had my hands full and it was not physically possible for me to carry him and the bag. This - me not carrying him - was obviously not in his plan. He began screaming, yelling and would not move. He was yelling things about the sun, the wind, and saying, "Mom, I'm raising my hands!" Huh?

So, here I was, in the middle of the parking lot, trying to analyze the situation, in  order to figure out the best response. One thing was obvious...I was NOT going to carry him! Other than that, I searched my brain for reasons, for the why of his behavior. Was it because I had carried him part of the way the day before, when walking into the school to pick up the girls? Was he bothered by the sun? Was there something in his shoe? Did he simply not want to walk?

I tried walking away, he screamed louder. I reminded him that we would have time to play on the play structure, he continued screaming. I tried offering him his hat, he screamed louder. I offered him a snack, he screamed even louder. Are you getting the picture?

And, of course, the louder he got, the more parents began arriving to watch their own children in the talent show. This was clearly not my best moment!

Ultimately, I decided even though I couldn't pick him up, I also couldn't stay in the parking lot. So, I put him in front of me and started walking. With my weight and momentum behind him, he had no choice but to walk. We walked like that all the way to the outdoor stage where the talent show would be. Once we got there, I offered O a spot in the shade, to sit on a towel and eat his snack. And, without argument, he sat and ate. As if the parking lot episode had never happened. Again, huh?

While the rest of the morning did not go without incident, it was pleasant. I got to watch and record both girls perform in the talent show and O and I got some  fun time on the playground.

I'm still not sure what happened, why O picked this morning to refuse to walk. I have come up with many reasons, but have no clear answer. He has done this before and I'm fairly certain he will do it again. But, I'm not giving up. I will continue to hold it together, to respond calmly, and to love him in the way only his mother can.


Linked with Tuesday Baby Link Up

Here Comes Summer

As summertime approaches, I am feeling more and more stress. What?! Why!? Summer is my time off from work, the time when I can focus on being a mom, without the daily stresses of my other job. But, summer brings with it many challenges, some of which I am not ready to face.

Summer brings the end of another school year. My girls love school. So, seeing a school year end is not easy, especially for E. I'm not sure how much she would love school if she didn't love her teacher. Each year she has developed such a connection with her teacher that it breaks her heart to say goodbye. Last year, I watched her walk away from kindergarten with gut-wrenching sobs. She was crying so hard, she could barely walk. It was the worst I have ever felt for one of my children. It hurt! I am anticipating another tear-filled afternoon on June 8th. She just loves her teacher!

Summer brings change. Change in our schedule and routine. Change in our sleeping and eating habits and in our daily activities. While this change may be welcome for some in our family, this type of change is very difficult for O. Routine and structure help him cope. When those things that have become constants change, the unpredictability is killer. I mean, he has trouble when you give him the wrong plate at dinner or when you ask him to pull up his pants before he flushes the toilet. Can you imagine how he feels when mom isn't going to work and sisters aren't going to school everyday? While he loves having us around, it makes things confusing and different. And, different is difficult for him.

Summer also brings projects, tasks that I have put off, thinking that they would be easier accomplished in the summer. One thing I've put off is working on O's eating habits. I would really like for him to try new foods, so that he's not eating the same three or four things everyday. This will be a long process, since he does not even leave unwanted food items on his plate, let alone put them near his mouth. Although I have been collecting ideas on how to approach these food issues and I know it needs to be done, it's not something that I am looking forward to.

Summer brings swim lessons, Vacation Bible School, family vacation, more time in the car, a month off of preschool...the list goes on. There's also the challenge of occupying three very different children with entertaining activities, that are educational and not too overwhelming. Why have I not started planning or preparing for any of these things? I am trying to take it one day at a time. Unfortunately, I am running out those days...summer will be here soon.

Yesterday, when I wrote this post, I had no resolution. Just stress. Then, due to the circumstances of life, I was not able to post. It was late last night that this verse came to me. I have been rehearsing it in my mind ever since.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned;

struck down, but not destroyed.

- 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Now, even though my issues are nowhere near resolved, I have a renewed sense of hope and am confident that I am not in this alone!