Changing the Focus

Lately, I feel like I've been inundated with complaints. This is mainly because most days, my three children seem to enjoy complaining over the smallest things...like being asked to close a cupboard door, take a shower, hang up their own towel, put on their own shoes, etc.

When living with a child with dysfunctional sensory processing, the number of complaints seems to grow exponentially. Either the bath water is too hot, the temperature of the food is not right, or his shoes are too tight. There have been many times when O has told us something hurts him, even though, to a typical person, these things would feel "just right" or would only be a minor annoyance.

I have since learned that this feeling he described as pain, may actually feel painful to him because our pain and temperature receptors are interpreted by the same part of our brain. Early on in our sensory journey, we were told that while it was important to redirect O, letting him know that these things that "hurt" him were not actually harmful, it was also important not to invalidate how things felt to him. So, instead of saying, "It doesn't hurt," we were to say something like, "I know you don't like how that feels" or "I know it feels weird."

Hmmmm....Differentiate, but don't invalidate. I have been reminded of this lately, as I listen and attempt to respond to the complaints of those around me.

I think there is definitely a time for complaining. Being able to vent, to get out all your frustrations and just say what you feel, without reservation, is not always bad. As a psychologist I believe that keeping those negative feelings inside, not sharing them with someone, is generally a bad idea. But, what I've been struggling with lately, is when people, in various areas of my life, make complaining their standard behavior.

I have definitely been a habitual complainer, myself. However, I have begun to make a transformation over the past few months, after making a conscious decision to look at the positive and to try not to criticize. Or, more accurately, when I think of a criticism, to also think of a possible solution to the problem. I see this as a shift in focus. I am attempting to validate an area of need, while differentiating between being problem-focused versus solution-focused. This is not easy.

I had lunch with some colleagues last month. In the group of eight people, some people choose anger and complaints, while others, even though frustrated, were choosing to approach the situation with a positive attitude. I had one colleague say that she had signed up to be a part of every committee that was available because she wanted things to change and to have her opinions included in that change. That is a good example of choosing to be solution-focused.

While I can recognize the need for this type of attitude, I know that is not something that I posses consistently. It's definitely not one of my strengths. But, I do want to continue changing, moving toward solutions instead of being stuck in an attitude of complaining.

I found this idea on Pinterest...

I've been thinking about using it in our house, for all of us, not just for the kids. I think we all need to be accountable for our behavior.

And, since I probably cannot implement this same strategy at work, I had to think of something different. I have seen this poster in many offices...

Although very direct, I don't think it fits with the positive vibe I am going for. I found this poster at the local school supply store...

I put it up in one of my offices. If nothing else, it is a daily reminder for me to check my own attitude.

I'm hoping that my attitude becomes contagious, in a good way.