Broken Hallelujah

I am not broken right now. But, I know people, some who are very close to me, that are. And, this is the only way I know to respond.

This post is for them, and for you, if you are without hope today.

Two languages I heard when I was young

One said make-believe, the other said run.

But I have no peace when I try to pretend,

And running never got me anywhere in the end.

Something deep inside me was longing just to breathe

And either voice I followed ever made me truly free.

This song, Broken Hallelujah, by Jenny Simmons, has ministered to me in times of brokenness. It has taught me about God's love, and the freedom that is found in accepting it, without reservation. To stay still and remain in His presence, even when you feel like running.

A heart divided cannot bear the weight

I'd almost given up and then I found this place

Where broken children gather and they sing their Father's song

My heart was aching at the sound, I had to sing along

This song speaks of a place where God's children can gather together, damaged and confused, yet praising Him.

And find me on my knees, with nothing left to hide

I'll be by the river, leaving all my shame behind

I'll be singing loud, I'll be singing clear

Broken Hallelujahs for everyone to hear

Singing broken Hallelujahs

You can find me here

Well history keeps trying to repeat

And the only way to stop its curse is learning how to speak

The language that is written in our hearts

Freedom comes when we find the place where mercy starts

So children gather 'round me now and sing that holy song

Where those that do not have a home can finally belong

The words reveal the necessity of moving toward God, even when you feel like separating from Him.

And find me on my knees, with nothing left to hide

I'll be by the river, leaving all my shame behind

I'll be singing loud, I'll be singing clear

Broken Hallelujahs for everyone to hear

Singing broken Hallelujahs

With God, there is no shame. Whether broken or whole, God is available. He is calling you to a place where His love and mercy and grace are abundant. 

Blessed are the poor in hearts

Blessed are the weary ones

Blessed are the ones who weep

For they will see eternity

Blessed are the ones who hunger

Blessed are the ones who thirst

Blessed are the sick and needy

God does not love us in spite of our weariness and weakness, He loves us because of it. Because it is only in our weakness that we can truly see our need for Him. It is only when we are broken and weary that we are richly blessed by His unending love.

Find me on my knees, with nothing left to hide

I'll be by the river, leaving all my shame behind

I'll be singing loud, I'll be singing clear

Broken Hallelujahs for everyone to hear

Singing broken Hallelujahs

You can find me here

You can find me here.

It's in the Past

My husband recently told me that I spend too much time thinking and talking about the past. Focusing too much on the things that I didn't do or the things that I did do, but incorrectly.

As much as I hate to admit it, the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. This is what I do...berate myself for the past, which leaves me stuck in this cycle of negativity. Because the more time I spend thinking about what went wrong, the less time I spend in the present, trying to make improvements for the future.

Why do I do this? Here are some of the reasons:

Focusing on the negative leaves room for surprises. I wrote a little about this in my Two Words for 2013 post. I'm the type of person who would rather be surprised because I was thinking the worst, than disappointed because I was wishing for the best.

While I do this with many things, I think I do it most with those issues related to O and his struggles with sensory processing. It is difficult for me to focus on his progress and feel good about the better days, because I am always wondering when the next bad day will be, or what new quirk is lurking behind the door, waiting to replace the behavior we have extinguished. This is just one reason I need to incorporate more hope in 2013.

What if I fail. This is the same reason I have avoided choosing a plan for reading through the Bible this year. A year is a big commitment. But, trying to do it in less time, seems unrealistic. What if I don't get through it? Consequently, I am stuck. I have not chosen a plan. (Note:  By the time this publishes, I hope to have a plan in place).

I don't deserve my life. That seems like a crazy thing to say, I know. But, I must be honest. Most days, that is how I feel. I should affirm these blessings, this life God has given me. While I know that I could never DO anything to deserve what I have been given, I must accept the blessings that God, in His grace, has gifted to me. That's one reason why I chose blessing as one of my words for 2013.

Do you remember that scene in The Lion King, where the crazy monkey hits Simba over the head with his stick? When Simba gets upset, the monkey says, "It's in the past." Meaning, don't worry about it. Let's move on. Stop living in the past. Think about what you're going to do next.

Okay, I realize much of this is implied. I also realize that I'm taking life lessons from a Disney cartoon. But, you get the idea.

It's time for me to start looking toward tomorrow with hope, knowing that I did the best I could with today's blessings.

Linking up with A Royal Daughter, with a desire to inspire.

Two Words

I have read several posts from other bloggers about choosing their one word for the new year. Honestly, I didn't think I could do it, just choose ONE word. I mean, you've seen all the words I've written, and that doesn't even come close to the number of words I've thought and spoken in the past year. How could I possibly choose just one?

After several days, I came up with a word. But, due to the craziness of life, I did not have a chance to do more than a jot down a few notes about it. Then, I read a wonderful post about a word, my word. Well, not actually my word, but the word I had chosen.

Since I didn't want to have the same word as somebody else (not a big deal, I know, but it bothered me), I thought of a new word. But, I couldn't get the old word out of my mind. I liked them both. I couldn't choose. 

Based on the title of this post, my solution to this problem should be obvious...I chose two words.

2013 will not be about just one word for me. It will be about two. These two.

I'm a realist. Some may even say, a pessimist. I've always found it more desirable to be surprised, rather than disappointed. In fact, I've probably dashed your hope a few times.

The realist in me has always thought of the concepts of hope and dream to be closely related, likening hope to that "last ditch effort," when everything else has failed. I hope it works out. Or, less than confidently saying, "hopefully." 

Maybe hope is not a pipe dream, but is a choice, like choosing optimism over pessimism. Not expecting the best, but expecting something. Not looking for the best case scenario, but going into a situation with confidence. Some of my favorite synonyms for hope are:  expect, trust, confidence, faith. 

The book of Psalms is full of verses about hope. Here are some of my favorites:

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?

My only hope is in you.

Psalms 39:7

We put our hope in the Lord

He is our help and our shield.

Psalms 33:20

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in him.

Psalms 62:5

The song, My Hope is in You, by Aaron Shust, came to me as I reflected on this word, hope. Here are some of the lyrics:

I meet with You and my soul sings out

As your word throws doubt far away

I sing to You and my heart cries

"Holy! Hallelujah, Father, You're near!"

My hope is in You, Lord

All the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or storm

A peace that passes understanding is my song

And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

I know that I lived a blessed life. So, why do I struggle to feel blessed? This year, I would love to be more aware of my blessings.

"You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." 

Luke 1:45 (NLT)

“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 

God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 

God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth. 

God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied. 

God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. 

God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. 

God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 

Matthew 5:3-10 (NLT) 

Another one of my goals this year is to bless others. To fill them up with blessings, so that they feel special and loved. 

And without question, the person who has the power to give a blessing 

is greater than the one who is blessed. 

Hebrews 7:7 (NLT)

I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings. 

1 Corinthians 9:23 (NLT)

The song, The Blessing, by John Waller, came to me as I reflected on this word, blessing. Here are some of the lyrics:

Let it be said of us

That our hearts belonged to Jesus. Let it be said of us

That we spoke the words of life.

Let it be said of us

That our heritage is blessing for life.

For your Kingdom, for our Children

For the sake of every nation

For your Kingdom, for our Children

For the sake of every nation

We will choose to be a blessing for life.

My prayer for 2013...to recognize my own blessings and live in the hope of the Lord...to bring hope and deliver blessings to others.

My first act of blessing others will be to join my friend, Rebecca, who blogs at She Becomes, in her goal of spreading cheer throughout this year. 

So, the first six people who comment on this post will receive some kind of gift from me sometime this year. What and when? That will be a surprise. 

If you would like to join us here's how:

Leave a comment on this post.

Send me an email to peaceitalltogether@gmail.com. The email should include your full name, address, and five interesting facts about you. 

Finally, don't forget to pass it on! If you pass it on through your blog, please use the button below. 

Happy 2013. May it be a year full of blessing and hope!

Also linking up with 

Tattoos, Underwear, and Sin. Oh My!

I was having a conversation with a friend at church a few Sundays ago. We were talking about her tattoos. (Don't ask how the conversation got there, just know it did). She was expressing her regret about getting the tattoos and about the constant burden she feels to hide them. But, why? Can't she use her past, as a ministry, as way to reach others? She said that acknowledging her tattoos and what they represented about her life before she became a christian, was too difficult, just brought up too many old emotions, old wounds.

"Use your story, your life, your experience, because it is all from [God]" - Debbie Alsdorf

This got me thinking. Why is it that we only want to let our "goodness" out? I mean, why do we want to hide our pasts or our weaknesses from others? Is it because we fear their reaction, their impression of us?

Another friend, who is a teacher, told me this story...One evening she was shopping for underwear. Not just one pair of underwear, but a whole bunch of underwear. You see, her dog had destroyed her other pairs. So there she was, replenishing her entire supply of underwear, when a parent of one of her former students approached her. It's a friendly gesture, saying hi to a teacher, someone who has been influential in your child's life. But, because of the situation - she was, after all, buying a stockpile of underwear - my friend was thoroughly embarrassed.

But, why? We all wear underwear. Yes, there are different styles of underwear, some more embarrassing for public than others. But, it's all just underwear. Isn't the same true for sin? We all have it. And, while there are different types of sin, it's all SIN. Murder or lying, God hates it all. Not just the big ones. So, why are we afraid to show our sin to each other?

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 

Romans 3:23

I recently started reading the blog, An Inch of Gray. The woman who writes this blog lost her son in a drowning accident a little over a year ago. In a recent post, she expressed gratitude to her blog community, those that have followed her journey through grief. She also posed questions regarding the necessity for others to share in her grief. She raised concern regarding the fairness of asking others to journey with her, to experience her pain. But, she concluded by writing this, "...there is a real feeling of blessing and relief that comes from being connected to others in grief and pain."

My friend, who lost her husband at the end of July, said to me, when talking with her about going through grief counseling, that she didn't want to simply talk to a counselor, she wanted to talk with someone who had been in her situation. She wanted someone who had lived through it. She was searching for a certain type of connection, for true understanding.

If you have been reading my blog, you know that I have been putting myself on display for all to see. You've seen many of my strengths and many of my weaknesses. It's all there. This has been difficult, but necessary. And, what I've found is that there are other people who are like me. Who struggle with some of the same things. Who feel reassured in knowing that someone else is struggling too.

We are all sinners. We can choose to use our sin or circumstances, past and present, to make connections and share hope, or we can hide them and suffer in silence.

Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. 

He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 

Romans 3:24 (NLT)

Share in the pain and regret. Share in the hope.

Search for Independence

As a country, we just finished celebrating Independence Day. Personally, that meant...Fireworks. Food. Friends. Fun.

However, in my house, the independence I spend most days focusing on, in not such a celebratory manner, is that of a preschooler, which looks very different. Hands on hips. Loud voice. "I'll do it myself!"

It's not that I don't want O to become more independent. In fact, I am so proud of the many things that he can do on his own. To put it in perspective, a year ago O had difficulty using both of his hands together to complete a task, which made something simple, like pulling up or or down his own pants, a challenge. Try it sometime...it really does take two hands. He is now able to dress himself, when he wants to, but it's not a smooth or quick process.

Then, there's the attitude and resistance to accepting even the smallest amount of help, that comes on the path towards independence. There is nothing more frustrating to me than when O decides that he wants to buckle his own seat belt, when we are already leaving later than planned, and he won't let me do anything to help the process along.

Yet, I stand there, trying not to show my annoyance, all the while thinking, "Why can't you just accept a little help? It really would make this process more efficient and go a lot faster."

This got me thinking...Don't I like to do things myself? Isn't this why I don't often ask for help? Even though I know that asking for help is not a bad thing, I cannot bring myself to do it easily. It's possible that there is a bit of pride involved. Or maybe I see it as a sign of weakness in myself, even though that's not how I view it in others. Whatever the reason, I would rather "do it myself" (at times, with a little attitude) than ask for help.

You'd think that this resistance to help would mean that I have complete confidence in myself, in my ability to do it all on my own. In fact, the opposite is true. I would love to have more confidence, in myself or my abilities.

Take a look at the confidence described in Paul's letter to the Romans:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. - Romans 15:13 (NLT)

First we trust in God, then, when He fills us with joy, peace, confidence, and hope, we can do it.

Here is a photo of my little boy on Independence Day.

Is he scared of fireworks? Yes and no. Although he loves how they look, he doesn't like how they sound. Honestly, they are loud. So, in order to enjoy the fireworks this year, he took a little assistance, from some noise-canceling head phones.

Maybe we do life best with a little support, protection. Is it when we are just scared enough or when our confidence has taken just enough of a beating, we are more willing to accept the help of someone or something? Just something to think about...

Sand and...More Sand

Have you ever been in a situation so long that it is difficult for you to keep perspective, where you are constantly focusing on what still needs to be done that you forget about all you have accomplished? That's where I've been finding myself lately. While I know that our life is far from perfect, I have decided to become aware of how far we have come in the past four years. So...

This is the first post from what I'm calling, Praise the Progress Week. This week I am focusing on milestones, looking for the positives and honoring the advancements O has made on his journey as a boy with sensational needs.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. 

The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein

I love the beach! M loves the beach! The girls love the beach! So, it only makes sense that O would love the beach, too. Right?

As you can see from the photo, O did not like the beach. In fact, he showed an extreme dislike for it. That photo was taken when O was 13 months old, during his first real trip to the beach. We had taken him before, as an infant, but he spent those trips cradled in someone's arms, most likely sleeping or being fed, not experiencing the sights, sounds, and textures of the beach.

For a long time after that trip, two years to be exact, we avoided the beach. After all, it was not very fun, when two active girls, who love the water and the sand, had to cut their playtime short because their brother wouldn't stop screaming. But, we missed the beach.

So, last summer, during our family vacation to San Diego, we tried the beach again. We were very careful to search out the best spot. As M drove the car around San Diego, I scoped out all possible beach locations. Finally, we found it. It was a small patch of beach that was very near an area of grass and a play structure. That way, if the sand was a no, we had back-up.

Although it wasn't an instant love, check out these photos...

What progress! I was so thrilled, I sent photos to O's previous teachers and OT, who had worked so hard with him on experiencing and tolerating different textures. This was a real milestone for him, for all of us.

Hoping this means we can be a beach family again!