The First Day

We can't hide from fear. We can't ignore it.

When O said, "I'm scared of kindergarten," as we pulled into the school parking lot, it would have been easy to say, "don't be scared" or "you'll be fine." But, he will be scared and he might not feel fine.

So, instead we prayed. My rock of a husband led the family in a back to school prayer.

All morning I had been struggling with words. If you saw my post from yesterday, you'll know that my words were gone. I was relying on others to speak for me. I was listening to God, though.

He kept saying, "I will be with him. I will be with him." Each time I would begin to worry, I heard those words.

I also could not get the the lyrics to this song out of my head. God will go before me. He has the whole word in His hands. He is faithful. I will hold on to His promises.

All along O has been scared. I have been scared.

What I've been learning is that being scared is okay. Even if our fears remain, God will be there to pick us up, to help us breathe, to bring us through.
Pretending not to be afraid doesn't work. You can't combat fear without acknowledging it.
When I asked O, after school, if there was anything at kindergarten that scared him, he said, "No." For that, I am grateful. Yet, I know that our time of fear and stress is not over. Each day there is the potential for fear. Whether it comes through a visit to the cafeteria or a fire drill. Or, even on the playground.
O and I talked about recess. He said that he played hide-n-seek with a little girl. This is a game he plays frequently with his sisters. I was grateful that he had found a friend, even for today. When I asked him if he went on the slide he said, "No. There were too many people. They could have bumped me. That hurts." Even though it saddened me that my boy couldn't choose the slide today, I am grateful that he could make that choice and he knows why he made it.
His awareness of his differences and needs is improving. With our help, he has come to understand a little bit about what he feels and why. That knowledge enables him to make choices that offer comfort and help him to feel more in control. Isn't that what we are supposed to do as we get older? Make choices.

I don't want any of my kids to think that they can't feel a certain way. It's okay to be sad, mad, scared, excited, etc. None of these feelings is bad or wrong. Ultimately, it's our ability to recognize and cope with those feelings that really matters. That's what I want O to know. 
One of the things I am most proud of is that O is beginning to recognize his body's sensory needs. While he can't articulate it in those terms, yet, he is using the strategies we have introduced over the past several years to help himself feel better. He is bouncing more, drinking from his special water bottle, asking for tight hugs, wearing his heavy backpack around the house, and so much more.
When we picked O up at school this afternoon, he ran out, breathed a huge sigh of relief and gave me the biggest hug. He had made it through day one.
I feel relieved, yet anxious...about day two and so on. But, I must let it go. 
I have and will continue to do all I know how to make O's transition into kindergarten a success, whatever that may look like for him. Yet, I know that when we drop him off each day, God will go before O, stand beside O, and hold O in His hand. That should be all the comfort I need.
Thanks so much for all of your prayers!