Be Aware

I have shed many tears during the past six years. For my son. 

At first, it was out of frustration. I just couldn't figure out what to do, how to care for him and make him comfortable. Then, there were tears of fear and questioning - Would he ever speak? How would his life be different? Next came, tears of joy, at his first words and other accomplishments. So many emotions for me, the mother of a child with Sensory Processing Disorder.

Most recently, I stood in my backyard one evening, crying into my husband's shoulder. Broken-hearted, hurting for my son. He had had his third toileting accident at school, because he was afraid to use the restroom. Despite all our efforts, he wouldn't do it. As a result, he pushed his body to it's limits, holding it until he couldn't anymore. 

That night, I cried, "It's not fair!" Not fair that he has to deal with fear and anxiety on a daily basis. Not fair that his body gets confused and reacts to normal stimuli atypically, leaving him uncomfortable and agitated.

While the toileting situation has had me the most distraught lately, what brings me to tears most days is the way O thinks. How his mind analyzes everything to the point of anxiety. It tears my heart apart when I realize all the things that go through his mind, which cause him stress and worry. 

Some of those things are:

- Whether or not to tell me about an injury, anticipating that the "medicine" might hurt more or that I might offer him a bandaid -

- Wondering if the new pjs I just bought him for "pajama day" will feel itchy -

- Starting each day thinking about what may be different or out of the ordinary -

- Hoping he doesn't make a mistake on his writing assignment -

- Focusing on how many minutes are left until the bell rings, because he doesn't want to be late for school -

- Needing to inspect his food before he eats it, if he eats it -

But, there is also good news. There is a God who answers prayers. A God who loves O more than I ever could and as a result is responding to the pleas of his people. To take away O's sensitivity to smell in the cafeteria. To make the bathroom less scary, so that it can become a part of his routine at school. God has been showing me that when I can't, he can. 

That's the truth I want to rest in, every day. God makes promises and fulfills them. He can!

October is Sensory Awareness Month. 

One of the purposes of this blog has always been to raise awareness of SPD. 

Will you do your part in raising awareness? 

Will you share this with one person today?

Speak

This weekend I will have an amazing, and frightening, opportunity. I was fortunate to be asked by Jennifer Smith, author of Wife After God and creator of the site Unveiled Wife, to join her in a meet and greet and motivational session, which takes place on Saturday in Southern Ca. This is the amazing part.

The frightening part. I was also asked to write an encouraging and supportive letter to weary wives...and read it aloud at the event. The writing part was easy. It is the speaking part that has me a little worried.
I am not a public speaker. In fact, it is one of my least favorite things. Although I speak in meetings at work all the time, being on a stage, in front of a large group, that's terrifying.
That being said, when Jen asked me to be a part of the event, I did not hesitate. I felt God nudging me toward to move beyond my comfort zone. Almost immediately, I remembered what He had spoken to me while attending a women's retreat in Hume Lake, last October:  keep going, don't give up, speak. At the time, I needed the encouragement of the first two, but was uncertain what He meant by the third. Speak. With this in mind, and in light of my word for 2014, how could I say no to this opportunity? I couldn't.
Since you won't be able to attend the event, I plan to post a link to the letter I wrote, which will be published at Unveiled Wife on Monday. So, stay tuned.
Please pray for me, as I speak to these women the words that God gave me to help strengthen their weary minds, bodies and souls. Also, pray for all the women who attend, that they will be encouraged and uplifted by the experience.

Stand Firm

I know there is brokenness in the world. I know there are people who are struggling. But, my perspective has changed drastically since I began offering to pray for others who are broken.

Last week, I wrote an article for Unveiled Wife about protecting your marriage. At the end of the article I offered for readers to email me their prayer requests regarding their marriage. The response I got was unexpected.

The day the article came out I got two emails. The next morning, I had four more. And, they just kept coming. All day. All week.

Emails from all over the world. From women and men who were hurting in their life because of difficulties in their marriages. Story after story of brokenness and a need for prayer. I felt both saddened and honored. I was devastated by the thought that so many people were hurting. I also felt blessed (and a little overwhelmed) that God had sent these people to me, allowing me to pray for them and their marriages.

There have been times when I have not offered prayer because I am afraid that no one will respond, or if they do that my prayers will no be sufficient. But, it's not about me. It's about God and how He wants to use me. If He desires it, it will be and He will be sufficient.

I have been up early many mornings lately. During that time when my house is quiet, I have been trying to take the opportunity not to be busy, but to rest. To read, pray and write about what God is teaching me. The morning after the article, I was awake and was led to pray this, "Lord, if you desire for me to be a part of something bigger than myself, lead me there. Show me what you desire." Within an hour, the emails came. I had my answer.

Although you don't know these women and men by name or their stories, I ask that you would join me as I pray for them. Pray for broken, and in some case, shattered, marriages. Pray for me, as well. That God would continue to use me for His will and that I would follow his lead.

I am convinced that the closer we get to God, the more Satan attacks. He is uncomfortable with this closeness and wants to see us perish. I have experienced this first hand. Since I have begun writing about God and sharing the desires of my heart so openly, I have had more periods of stress and anxiety and doubt. It is important in these times to continue to seek God, not to become angry with him or forget him.

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

1 Corinthians 16:13

Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.

Ephesians 6:11

It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built.

Luke 6:48

Will you stand firm in Christ with me?

No Words

It's here. The first day of school. 
Last night, I thought of writing, but had no words. 
I thought of praying, but could not think of anything else to say. 
I had said it all. 
I had prayed every prayer. 
None of it would change the fact that school would start today.
I received several messages from friends last night. They were praying for me and for O on what would be his first day of kindergarten. I felt so grateful for these prayers, because I didn't have any left.

In this post, I wrote of O's early life. Of a time, when I couldn't pray. When it seemed too hard to even go to God. It just hurt too much. At that time, I was also grateful for the prayers of my friends and family. I know that God was sustaining me during that time. Not because of me, but because of Him, and because of the pleas of my friends and family to Him.

I'm not sure what this day will hold. But, I read this verse in my devotion this morning...

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. 

But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 

Romans 8:26 (NLT)

Seems appropriate, doesn't it?

When I am weak, He is strong. 
When, I feel like I can do no more, He takes care of the rest.

Overloaded

That's how I've been feeling lately. Overloaded. I've been content, but not overjoyed. Not really stressed or frazzled. More like a washing machine that has been filled beyond it's capacity. Sluggish and working inefficiently. 

If I could only get more organized. Write a list of things I need as they run out, instead of relying on my failing memory once I get to the store. 

If only I could look at my calendar at least a week in advance, instead of checking each day as it comes.

M ordered me my favorite flowers for Mother's Day. Tulips. They arrived in a box. I had never received flowers in a box before.

There were at least two dozen purple tulips that had been denied sunlight or water for as long as it took them to be shipped from their original destination. They were not dead, but they had not yet reached their full potential. Still beautiful. Still loved. But, a little sad and droopy.

This has been me. I'm here. I'm functioning. I'm staying connected to God, to my family, and this blog. I'm still writing. Yet, I have put myself in a box. The box is filled with stuff. But, is there anything there that is providing me light, nourishment or strength?

Most days, I'm not sure I even know what it is that I need. The only thing I am certain of is that it is constantly changing. Maybe I need...more time in the Bible, more exercise, more meaningful conversation with my family, more cuddles with my kiddos. Or maybe I need to be...making lunches in the evenings, following a budget, giving myself a manicure, planning and cooking meals. 

I want to be filled with life. Not beyond my capacity, but to my and it's fullest potential. I know that I can't be everything to everyone every day. Maybe I just need to be something to some one every day. Some days that someone may be me. 

Several months ago, I started a study on prayer. One of the main principles that I took from that study was this:  "we get what we ask for, when we ask according to God's will." In other words, before you start rambling off your requests to God, ask Him to reveal what He wants for you. 

This same theme has come through in the emails I have been receiving from Ashley as part of the 40-day challenge. She reminds us, almost daily, to seek the Lord's wisdom, His love and His desires for our lives, above and before all else.

My goal is to start doing this daily, multiple times. To ask God what He desires for me for that day, that moment. 

How can I be filled today, Lord? What is it that will nourish and sustain me, without making me feel overloaded?

AFTER LESS THAN 24 HOURS EXPOSED TO LIGHT AND WATER, MY TULIPS LOOKED MUCH DIFFERENT.
THEY WERE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL. THEY HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED.

***

I wrote this post on Sunday afternoon, but didn't have time to add the pictures, edit and post it. 

I woke up Monday morning and decided to try doing Monday a little different. I started the day by asking God what He had planned for me. I asked him to tell me, show me, reveal to me His plan for the day.

I felt so much lighter. The weight of the day was no longer on me. I didn't have to decide what to do or when and how to do it. It was revealed to me throughout the day. Motivation returned. Tasks were accomplished. I was filled, but not over-full.

Now, the challenge...continue seeking God's plan for each day, within the big and the small.

Seek God's will in all you do and He will show you the path to take. 

Proverbs 3:6

Conversations with God

Prayer is not something I do with ease. In fact, the desire and ability to turn to God in prayer has not always existed in me.

It was at least two years ago that I went through a faith/prayer crisis. (I think I touched on this in another post, but I couldn't find it when scrolling through my archives. So, forgive me if I am repeating myself). During this period, I felt like prayer was useless, and, consequently, did not talk to God much. Here were some of the feelings and questions I wrestled with:

Since God is all-knowing, He knows what's going to happen. Why do I need to pray if the outcome is already set?

Who am I that my prayer would change God's mind? He's already got a plan.

Praying for someone or something is frustrating, especially when I don't get any answers.

I kept these feelings and questions to myself for a long time. When I finally talked with M about these things, he was at a loss. He was concerned. He talked with our pastor and came home with some insight related to my doubts about prayer. I don't remember exactly what was shared. I know that I still had questions. However, despite those lingering doubts, I began talking to God again. 

Since then I have seen many changes in my prayer life. However, prayer is still not my go-to. It is rarely the first option I think of when I have a problem, issue or praise. Additionally, I often get distracted when I pray and end up focusing on the wrong things. For example, yesterday I found myself wanting to surrender all the craziness of my day to God, but each time I tried, the all that I was trying to release kept coming back to me in the form of a massive to-do list. 

Last week we began studying prayer in our Sunday school class. We are reading through the devotional Love to Pray, by Alvin Vandergriend. As I began reading through the book, I knew that God had intended this study for me. The answers to my questions, that I had been searching for two years ago, are in this study. 

Here are some of the insights from the first two weeks:

God needs our prayers. God chooses to move in response to our prayers. "Though he is almighty, all-wise, and fully able to work without us, God chooses to work through our prayers." (p. 16)

Prayer starts with God. If we allow Him, God can make known to us what He desires for our prayers. We should start each prayer by asking God what He would have us pray. "...to pray is to learn to listen to God's whispers, to tune our hearts to him, to respond to his promptings." (p. 13)

You are welcome. God wants us to come into his presence for prayer. We are welcome there, because he recognizes us. He knows us. Though "we deserve to be barred from God's presence because of our sins...Christ has dealt with our sins and made us acceptable to God." (p. 18)

Have faith. When we have faith in God, we have knowledge of who He is, what He is like, and we trust that He will act in a certain way. Praying in faith "involves believing that God will always respond to our prayers in accord with his nature, his purposes, and his promises." (p. 24)

Pray with persistence. Prayer is not always easy, but we should not give up. "To pray persistently is to press our requests upon God with urgency and perseverance." (p. 30)

Always, keep praying. 

Never stop. 

No matter how difficult it may seem. Even if you have unanswered questions. Prayer is a gift we have been given, so that we can develop a deeper relationship with God. That is important. We have the ability to have continual conversations with God. Get a conversation started. Keep it going.

My Thoughts on Anxiety

O's world is filled with anxiety. It's one of the side effects of his SPD. Living in an unpredictable world. Being unsure what sights, sounds and textures might bombard his sensory system. Although he has made great progress in so many areas, I still see his anxiety, almost daily.

Yesterday, we were able to play outside. It was cloudy, but not too cold. So, we ventured into the backyard. We played baseball and soccer and climbed the ladder to his "pirate ship."

However, when I suggested he try the swing, he immediately said, "No." I asked him several more times during our playtime. Finally, he agreed.

When I lifted him onto the swing, his body was tense. He was not allowing me to help bend his legs and wouldn't let go of me, so he could hold onto the chains. He was resisting the movements that he feared would harm him, when in actuality, they would have helped him be more secure on the swing. He was in full panic mode.

I bent down in front of him, once he finally put his hands on the chains. I spoke softly and tried to get him to focus on me, not on the swing. It didn't work. He was ready to get off the swing, back onto solid ground.

Not only does O struggle with anxiety because of his SPD, but I also believe it is a part of his genetic make-up. You see, I also struggle with anxiety, daily. There are many things that make me uneasy and distressed.

It is for me and O that I chose this passage, from Philippians, for today's scripture challenge theme - anxiety:

I read a post from Girls of God's Heart this past week about anxiety. In it, Kelly, the blogger, stated that anxiety and prayer are two great opposing forces. Also, in our small group last Sunday, the leader made the assertion that faith and fear are opposites. Based on this passage of scripture, and practical experience, I believe both of those statements to be true.

As I reflected on this passage, these statements, and O's reaction to the swing, I realized that God does not want me to be anxious. Instead, He wants me to pray. He makes attempts to get my attention, speaking in a gentle whisper, and urges me to stop fighting, to let Him help.

Instead of getting flustered, I need to seek peace. That peace, "which exceeds anything [I] can understand," is only found in Him.

Do not be anxious....instead, pray

Do not be fearful...instead, have faith

Do not be restless...instead, seek peace

In Memory

Several months ago, a good friend of mine lost her husband, BC, tragically. Saturday, December 1st, would have been his 36th birthday.

Although I didn't know him well, and cannot grieve like my friend and her family do, I still grieve for lost opportunities, the chances we may have had to know him, to connect, and to grow in friendship with him. I also grieve for the loss my friend and her family are experiencing.

Shortly after BC died, I heard the song, the Hurt and the Healer, by Mercy Me, on the radio. I didn't just hear it once, it seemed like I heard it every time I got in my car or tuned into the music station on the tv.

The words. They made a huge impression on me. So, I did something I don't think I had ever done before. I sent my friend a link to the song. It touched her. In fact, she used it as part of a video photo collage she and her sister put together to be shown after the funeral.

I don't want to say too much about this song because I want you to listen and develop your connection to it, get your own meaning from it. Every time I hear it, the lyrics speak to me in a different way.

Join me in prayer today and through this weekend for BC's family and friends, for those who knew him well. That they would honor him, not in the same way that they would typically on his birthday, but in a way that stirs memories and celebrates life. Pray that they would find healing in the midst of hurt.

Loving, When its Hard

How is it possible to feel such a strong dislike for a person you don't even know, have never met? I guess the same way that it's possible to sing someone's praises when you don't know them personally. Because, you've heard about them from others, have been witness to their actions, have read something they've written.

There is someone very close to me, let's call her Ann, who is experiencing hurt in her life. The kind of hurt that comes from mistreatment. Not a physical abuse, but an emotional one. When I hear stories about the individual, who has been treating her so poorly, my mind automatically goes to anger, to hate. Although I have not experienced this hurt directly, the way it hurts Ann has led my heart to be hard towards a person I only know by name, and through the lens of Ann's experience with her.

This past Sunday morning, I was challenged. As I sat and listened to a sermon related to telling God's story, I heard these three words repeatedly, "pray for her." So, I started praying for the ones who sat near me, about the situations I knew they were struggling with. Then came the three words again, with a sense that I was choosing the wrong her.

"But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! 

Do good to those who hate you." - Luke 6:27 (NLT)

As a Christian, I have been called to share God's story, to show his love, to everyone. Not just to those I love or find to be good people, but everyone. Even those that are hard to love, those that have hurt us or the ones we love. I must admit, even though I am not a hateful person, I do tend to ignore or separate myself from those who have caused hurt, to pretend like they don't exist. While this is not hate, it is certainly not love.

But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! - Matthew 5:44 (NLT)

Sunday's message came from 2 Corinthians 5:16-21. Here were some of the speaker's main points based on that scripture passage:

• God's story brings new life. With Him, the old has gone, meaning it is no longer remembered. The guilt, shame and fear from the past disappears.
• Through Jesus we were made into the righteousness of God.
• As God's people we are called to tell His story, to be an example of new life, to demonstrate His power, and to explain His ways.

Pray for her. For her salvation. For her to accept God's story. For her to experience a new life.

But, Lord, how can I pray for her? She has done and said so many hurtful things, without regard for others, without guilt or shame. Pray for her.

While there are certain versions of the Bible I prefer to read from, I often go to The Message when I want a more modern interpretation of the wisdom of the scripture. I love how The Message interprets Jesus' words in Matthew 5:43-47:

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out 

of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? 

Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that." - Matthew 5:43-47 (MSG)

Pray for her. Love her. Even though it's hard.

Okay. Here goes.

Problems and Prayers

Last night I had a pity party for myself. I wasn't feeling well and was just so tired. I felt defeated! I was not "cool" enough. Nobody liked me enough. I felt ill-equipped to raise my 9-year old. And, the list goes on.

So, I took a hot bath and tried reading my Bible. I found verse after verse that should have given me hope. But, all I could think was...these are just words. I knew that the devil was attacking me in my weakest areas. But, I didn't care. I wanted to let him win. I was tired of fighting. Tired of being the motivator, especially when I was feeling so unmotivated.

I wish I could say that I woke up with a new perspective this morning. That didn't happen. Although I wasn't feeling completely defeated, I felt as if I was limping along in the race of life. I was still tired, still in less than optimum health, and was still unmotivated.

As the day wore on, I got distracted with work, emails, and reading others' blog and Facebook posts. As a result, I started to compare my problems to the problems of others. Soon, the immensity of the problems of last night began to fade and I began to pray for those I know who are hurting, who are in a places of uncertainty, despair and in crises of health.

Although it felt good to do something for others, it did not make me any less tired or unmotivated. Did I still feel hurt, unworthy, and discouraged? Yes. My problems still remained. Do you know why? Because I never stopped to pray for me. I forgot to support and encourage my own spiritual development. I find that I do this often. It seems to be much easier for me to pray for others than for myself.

I had a friend who once commented that I was a "ray of sunshine" as I attempted to provide encouragement to a mutual friend. This made me very happy. I was encouraged. However, some days, instead of feeling like the light of the sun, I feel more like fog lights. While I am helping others to see, to be encouraged, the light doesn't help me to see any more clearly.

So, while I will continue the new work of encouragement, friendship, and ministry that I feel God is calling me to, I must also start praying for me, encouraging me. Otherwise, I may never truly see all that God is trying to teach me.

The Birth of this Blog

This blog was born out of a time of prayer and fasting. Now, don't get nervous, thinking that I'm some super-spiritual being who has it all together. Let me explain...

Several weeks ago I was challenged, along with others in my church congregation, to enter a time of prayer and fasting during Lent. As is typical  with me and challenges, I first decided that it would be too difficult and, since I would likely fail, I didn't even want to try. However, it became obvious to me, as my thoughts frequently returned to this challenge, that it was something I had to do. So, I did it. I picked a meal each week to fast and pray. And, after hours in prayer, reflection and stillness before God during that time, I believe I was given these three tasks:

1. Do More - To me, a professional, busy mom of three who works outside the home and volunteers weekly at church, those two simple words sounded daunting. Maybe any woman or person who feels like they are already spread too thin would feel the same. How could I possibly do more? How do I fit that in? I still don't know exactly what to do or how to do it,  but the words were clear:  Do more.
2. Set Goals - This has always been a difficult thing for me to do. Difficult, not because I don't have things I want to accomplish or areas in which I want to grow. But, difficult because of the fear of failure. What if I set a goal and can't reach it? What would that say about me? Well, I have been pushed to a place where goals aren't just recommended, they are necessary. It's time for me to set goals, whether I reach them or not! I still don't know exactly what or how, but the words were clear:  Set goals. 
3. Use Your Creativity - I was much more comfortable hearing these words, since I've always enjoyed creative tasks. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a writer. I often used my own dreams and circumstances to construct stories. Over the years, I've dabbled in graphic design, scrap booking, decorating and many other things creative.  As I reflected on my recent lack of motivation and interest in anything outside of the routine of life, I realized that I had let my creative side lie dormant. I had forgotten how to create. How could I re-build that part of me? When would I find the time? I still don't know exactly what creative tasks lay before me or how I will get them done, but the words were clear: Use your creativity. 

Although the season of Lent has come to an end, this blog is the beginning of a new season for me. I have not started this blog in anticipation of becoming a famous blogger or even with the idea that I will have dozens of people "following me". I write with an anticipation of exploring my creativity and releasing all of those ideas and thoughts that swim wildly around in my head everyday. I write because it's a goal and I suspect it will enable me to do more. I write for me, and for you, if you choose to follow me in this journey!