With His Breath

Inhale. You are unworthy. Exhale. No one will like you. Inhale. What are you doing here? Exhale. You don't belong.

Chaos. Struggle. These words don't even begin to describe the state of my mind during the later half of 2015. It was right about the time that I began leading my own Bible study that I started to get them. These thoughts. The ones that attacked my identity, inspired doubt and left me feeling shaky and lost in my faith. These weren't necessarily new thoughts; they've come up before. But, they seemed worse this time, harder to get rid of. Nothing I did seem to help. So, I ignored them. Pretended they weren't there. After all, how could they hurt me if I they didn't exist?
Fast forward to the first week of September. I was headed to IF:Lead in Orlando, Florida. Something I had been looking forward to for months. It was my chance to connect with other IF leaders from all over the globe, to be equipped for leadership and to gather resources. It was going to be amazing! Yet, the closer it got, the more dangerous the whispers became. Are you sure God told you to do this?
Satan's MO hasn't changed. He has been using doubt since the beginning. Since his first encounter with Eve, the cunning serpent has used this strategy to incite dissatisfaction and create a sense of entitlement. It's all he's got. After all, he really has no power or authority. Unless, we give it to him. And, that's what I had been doing. I had been letting him convince me of things I knew weren't true. Why? Because, like Eve, I was sure that God was holding out on me. I was willing to listen to Satan's lies for a chance at more.

God first revealed the word breathe to me in December 2014. The exposure was brief and before I knew it, I was onto another word, something I needed more. Then, in September 2015, at IF:Lead, He brought it back to me.
It was there that I purchased a necklace from The Giving Keys; one with the word breathe on it. It was the one I had first seen in December 2014. At first, I thought the word was about calm and rest and comfort. But, God helped me look at breathe a new way that weekend. 
During the first session of the event, I found myself convicted about the way Satan had been taking over my thoughts with his lies. I prayed that God would teach me a new way guard my mind...because what I had been doing wasn't working. I went to bed burdened. During the night, I was abruptly awakened by a dream in which I first found myself walking, oblivious and without concern, through a wild animal facility and which ended with me being attacked by a lion. In my dream, I had not been aware or alert, as Peter warns us to be in 1 Peter 5:8. I had been indifferent and self-righteous. Something had to change!

As I stood in line, waiting for the doors to open the next morning, my dream and its implications were heavy on my heart. That's when the woman standing next to me noticed my necklace and proceeded to tell me about a verse in 2 Thessalonians that she had, in years past, used for spiritual warfare. God spoke His truth to me that morning about how to fight the attacks of the enemy. With My breath, He said.

And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will kill with the 

breath of his mouth and bring to nothing by the appearance of his coming. 

2 Thessalonians 2:8

Clearly there was something special about this word, breathe, but I still wasn't convinced. It took two more, unrelated books/studies to finally get to me choose, to research, and to claim it as my word for 2016.

* * *

When I was a kid, I remember wondering about my breath. About how breathing worked. How was it possible? I recall sitting in the car, looking out of the window, watching my breath form a fog on the glass. Wondering. Will this ever stop? How will that feel? I was fascinated by this process, which continued without my intervention. Oh, I could stop it, briefly. But, I couldn't keep it going if it decided it was done. In. Out. Watching the trees and cars zoom past, I wondered about the mystery of breath. In. Out. 

It's still a mystery to me. 

Breathing. It is a rhythm we take for granted. It happens with ease, an involuntary function of our body. It is only when there is struggle to gain air or when I focus on the inhale and exhale that I even notice it's there. 

God spoke and with the creative power of His breath brought the whole earth, and all that is in it, into existence. Everything that has life came from Him. God's Word is His breath, written on a page. It is Jesus. The person - the action - of God coming to us, taking on flesh. 

He has no past and He has no future. He is, and none of the limiting and qualifying terms used of creatures can apply to Him...

To each one he would reveal not only that He is, but what He is as well.

AW Tozer, Man, The Dwelling Place of God

What will God be for me this year? He will be what he has always been. My breath. The only thing that gives me life. He gave me my first breath of physical life and the breath of my re-birth into my spiritual life. But breath is not a one-time act. It is a continuous process of inhaling and exhaling. One that I cannot do without Him.

I chose breathe as my word for 2016 because it's something I have no control over. While I can be intentional about breathing deep and I can slow my own breath, to sustain either of those activities is beyond my control. So, for me, 2016 is really about God doing something - breathing new life into me. Arming me for battle and helping me recognize the boundaries I have set, the boxes I have attempted to fit Him into. My job is to let Him do it. And, then I can watch as the walls come down.

I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am Lord...

Ezekiel 37:5-10

To breathe is to take notice. To pause. To pay attention. To gaze instead of glance. To think and reflect. To take time. To drink in what's around you - the sights, smells and sounds. Every time I take a breath, I am recognizing my part in His story, drawing from His deep well. There is no end to Him. No boundaries. 

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Ephesians 3:18-19

You see, it is more about His breath than mine. My breath is shallow and restrained and temporary. His breath has depth, is without bounds and is eternal. In the story of the woman at the well in John 4, John tells of Jesus' encounter with a woman who by cultural standards should be despised and rejected, but with whom He speaks and shares the truth about His identity. The woman describes the well as very deep; Jesus assures her of the greater depth of His living water. In Luke 5, Jesus tells his disciples to "go out where it is deeper" and recast their nets. And, in Luke 2, Mary lets the thoughts and experiences of birth of her son, the Messiah, sink deep into her heart. 

While there are depths to Satan (Revelation 2:24), it does not compare to the depths of God. Satan is limited by God. The love with no bounds defeats him. The breath of Jesus will cause the great adversary to become nothing. That which gives life, brings death to the very thing that wants to destroy us. What power!

Christianity consists primarily not in what we do for God but in what God does for us—the great, wondrous things that God dreamed up and achieved for us in Christ Jesus. When God comes streaming into our lives in the power of His Word, all He asks is that we be stunned and surprised, let our mouths hang open, and begin to breathe deeply.

Brennan Manning, Abba's Child

Drink deep. Breathe deep. Then, I can exhale all I have taken in. It is a release. A giving back. To let go. To refresh. 

Again. And, again. 

Inhale…

love,

grace,

freedom,

power,

wonder.

Exhale…

abundant life.

When Everything is Okay

It's October. Sensory Awareness Month. So, I feel like I should write. Lately, though, my words have been few. Some days I feel as if I've lost the ability to string my words together. Everything seems so chaotic, separate and disconnected. My words have been a reflection of that. 
I wonder if that's what it's like for O when his body can't interpret the sensory information in his environment. Chaotic. Separate. Disconnected. 
Yesterday, I took O to the dentist. We waited. He had his appointment and then we waited some more. It was in the waiting that he was most anxious. In that idle time. In the waiting room full of children and their parents. As each name was called, he waited to hear his own. When would he be chosen? When would we get to leave?

There are many days when I forget. Forget how it used to be. When we first began our journey into understanding O's difficulties with sensory processing.
Things are different now. Yet, so much is the same. 
I still consider his feelings, opinions and potential reactions before anyone else's. I still evaluate each day - each circumstance - based on how I think he will respond. But, I also pray more. For him and with him. Yesterday, I talked to him about the power of Jesus and how it was within us, helping us to be brave. It's a lesson I'm still learning, but it seemed right for him, too. 
Not long ago I actually forgot to bring O's food when we went to my sister's house for dinner. What?! Maybe it had been a crazy day. Or, maybe it had been such a "normal" day that his dietary restrictions slipped my mind. Even though it had my husband scrambling to the nearest McDonald's right before meal time, it seemed significant that I forgot. It felt normal. That never would have happened before!
There are still areas of pain, though. The look of uncertainty before putting on a new piece of clothing or lining up for school. Resistance to trying new foods - or even enjoying old favorites. Creating rules for his toys, time and relationships that cannot be broken. Separation. Chaos. Disconnection.
But, even in the midst of those, God has continued to provide us with glimpses into the fullness of joy. Playing catch in the backyard. Riding a bike. Flying paper airplanes with good friends. Telling jokes at the dinner table. Laughing at his favorite books. 
In the weeks since school started, there have been many days that I've stood with O on the playground, waiting for the bell to ring. 
He says, "I'm scared." 
And, I say, "It's okay to be scared. You're going to be okay." 
One day, I realized something. Those are O's initials - O.K. So, I started telling him, "You're going to be O.K. Because you already are O.K." It made him smile. The more I said it, the bigger he smiled. Of course, as many things go with O, it has now become our routine - most mornings that I drop him off, I have to remind him that he is O.K. I don't mind this routine...because it's a good reminder for me too.
Maybe that's what I needed to say today. To O, to you and to me. That everything is O.K. Even though it doesn't always feel that way.

Give Up

For many years I said no. No to freedom. No to passion. No to abundance. As I look back, I don't think I was even aware I was doing it. I didn't know any better. Because, who would knowingly refuse any of these things?

What I also didn't realize was that by saying no to these things I also saying to no to an intimate knowledge of God and his desire to work within and through me. Why? Because most of the time saying yes didn't make sense. And, I'm the kind of person that likes things to make sense.

I'm not saying that I never prayed or didn't believe. I did.  I had a life that pleased me and in some ways - I hope - God too. It was safe and comfortable. I did good things. I was a good person. But, I wasn't living a life of complete surrender. My joy was not complicated or courageous. 

Although I believed all the right things about God, I didn't recognize my need for Christ or my need for freedom. I was a Christian and I was a good person. I thought I was free. It wasn't until I initiated my journey of obedience, with small steps of courage and faith, that I began to see what a captive I had been to goodness, comfort, fear and doubt. I had been trying to do it on my own. God had offered me the free gift of grace and instead of accepting it without guilt or the sense of debt, I continued to try and pay him for it, to show him and everyone else that I was worthy of their love and approval. That I had earned it.

I'm still not sure exactly how or why things began to change. Except that I started to make room for him. I started to listen to that still, small voice, which even though it had been there all along, had been crowded out by those competing voices - of fear, doubt, pride, perfectionism. They had interfered with my ability to receive and take action.

My moments of obedience began with this blog and have been numerous since then. Many of them are recorded here. Some are not. In fact, there are some that I may not even be aware of. But, God is aware of them all. 

With each one has come more courage, more freedom, more willingness to give up those competing voices. To recognize that I am nothing and have nothing without God. Yet, with him...

Freedom is only possible through the finished work of Christ, 

and it lives on the other side of belief and surrender. 

- Jennie Allen, Anything

A little over a year ago, Matt and I prayed this anything prayer. Giving up everything in order to experience anything God had for us. It was difficult. And, I still find myself needing to pray it repeatedly. To remind myself that there really is freedom in surrender. If I take the time to look and listen, to push aside those competing voices, which cloud my vision and impair my ability to hear, I can see what God has done with that prayer, with our open hands.

He has filled them with new friends, plane tickets, leadership opportunities, honest conversations, SPD miracles and so much more. 

Then there are the new things, the ones that are happening right now -  a gathering of women I will be hosting at my home next month and the summer Bible study at my church...

God birthed in me the idea of gathering women from my local area together while I attended IF: Gathering in February. Before I even left the building after the last session, I sent a message to a friend who was attending an IF: Local gathering in my home town. It said this:

God has really impressed upon me that we need a vision for unleashing IF in [our city]. I don't want to let another year go by without gathering women from churches together to talk about how to make Christ known in our city. I would love to get together to discuss with anyone who is interested. It may be that you have something you're doing that's already working that you want to share, so people can join you. It may be that you have an idea that you want to see become a reality. It may be that you don't know what to do but you know something needs to be done. Whatever it is, we need to be together on it, because we will be stronger that way!

As a result of a series of steps and missteps, I will be hosting about a dozen women - who serve in different churches in my area - in my home in mid-July. My vision is for this to be a time for us to get to know each other - our passions, areas of ministry, gifts and dreams. It will also be a time to share ideas, resources and conversation. I am excited to see what God will do through this group and beyond.

But, before that happens, I will begin leading a Bible study at my own church. I led a study last year and was blessed by the experience. This year, God asked me not only to lead, but also to write my own study. My initial response...But, I have not studied the Bible formally. I have never written my own study. Part of anything, right?

I still don't know what this will look like. And, these past few weeks, as I've attempted to prepare to lead, I've been wrestling with some hard stuff. Internal dialogue. Those voices again. But, God continues to speak, as I strain to hear his voice. He has said, I created this. I will sustain it.

So, now I'm praying anything...for this study and July gathering, waiting to see what God will do. How will he sustain and what will he produce with his creations?

Are you willing to pray anything? To give up your life? He has promised freedom, redemption and restoration when you do.