Mirror, Mirror

Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror everyday and hate what you see? I do. Every day I fight with my negative inner voice, the one I believe comes from Satan. Every time I look in the mirror he reminds me of my physical imperfections. He shares his thoughts on my hair, face, body, weight, and much more. I go into battle daily, and sometimes it's just exhausting.

I have struggled with with body image for as long as I can remember. Even as a young girl, I remember crying about my hair...why it couldn't be like everybody else's. I would pray to God most nights, that if He could make my hair straight while I slept, I would be so grateful. I would do anything. But, every morning I would wake up, and my hair would be the same. I would be the same.

In high school and college, I struggled with food. Partly because I experienced an undiagnosed physical condition, which appeared to be related to stress, that caused horrible stomach aches and dizziness. I began not eating. And, kept not eating. It felt better, but not good enough.

My husband tells me daily that I am beautiful. I struggle to believe him. I trust that it is what he thinks, but I don't believe it to be true.

When I was pregnant with each of my children, I worried, which I don't think is uncommon. However, one of the things I worried about was that my children wouldn't love me. Not because I feared being a bad mother, but because I was afraid they would look and me and not fall in love. Is that crazy?

I have always hated looking at photos of myself. It is not difficult for me to look at a photo and find my imperfections. Awkward stance. Goofy expression. Too much chin skin. Because of this, I frequently avoided being in photos.

Then, what do I do? I go and start a blog. I put myself on the Internet. On Instagram. Not only do I put my writing, my thoughts, out there for everyone to see, but I put my photos too. What was I thinking?

Honestly, I don't think I was. It was God who was thinking for me. It was His voice that prompted me to start writing again. It was part of His plan for my life to have this space to share...everything. Didn't He know how hard it would be for me to look at my photos - on the Internet! - everyday? I think He did. And, I think that's one of the reasons why He did it. Because, he knew it would be hard.

For day 27 of the scripture challenge, I posted this verse:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. 

- Psalms 139:23, 24 (NLT)

God has searched me, tested me and led me through this blog. He continues to ask me to do hard things. I have done so much more than I could have ever imagined here. And, I am excited to do more. Even if that means more photos, more exposure of my perceived flaws and imperfections.

When I look into the mirror each day, I try to see the creation of God. The person that was created in His image, who is fearfully and wonderfully made. His masterpiece. It is not easy. But, I will continue to fight the devil. I want him to be worried about me.

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