Be Aware

I have shed many tears during the past six years. For my son. 

At first, it was out of frustration. I just couldn't figure out what to do, how to care for him and make him comfortable. Then, there were tears of fear and questioning - Would he ever speak? How would his life be different? Next came, tears of joy, at his first words and other accomplishments. So many emotions for me, the mother of a child with Sensory Processing Disorder.

Most recently, I stood in my backyard one evening, crying into my husband's shoulder. Broken-hearted, hurting for my son. He had had his third toileting accident at school, because he was afraid to use the restroom. Despite all our efforts, he wouldn't do it. As a result, he pushed his body to it's limits, holding it until he couldn't anymore. 

That night, I cried, "It's not fair!" Not fair that he has to deal with fear and anxiety on a daily basis. Not fair that his body gets confused and reacts to normal stimuli atypically, leaving him uncomfortable and agitated.

While the toileting situation has had me the most distraught lately, what brings me to tears most days is the way O thinks. How his mind analyzes everything to the point of anxiety. It tears my heart apart when I realize all the things that go through his mind, which cause him stress and worry. 

Some of those things are:

- Whether or not to tell me about an injury, anticipating that the "medicine" might hurt more or that I might offer him a bandaid -

- Wondering if the new pjs I just bought him for "pajama day" will feel itchy -

- Starting each day thinking about what may be different or out of the ordinary -

- Hoping he doesn't make a mistake on his writing assignment -

- Focusing on how many minutes are left until the bell rings, because he doesn't want to be late for school -

- Needing to inspect his food before he eats it, if he eats it -

But, there is also good news. There is a God who answers prayers. A God who loves O more than I ever could and as a result is responding to the pleas of his people. To take away O's sensitivity to smell in the cafeteria. To make the bathroom less scary, so that it can become a part of his routine at school. God has been showing me that when I can't, he can. 

That's the truth I want to rest in, every day. God makes promises and fulfills them. He can!

October is Sensory Awareness Month. 

One of the purposes of this blog has always been to raise awareness of SPD. 

Will you do your part in raising awareness? 

Will you share this with one person today?

God's Story

It was Friday night, October 3rd. I sat in the chapel at Hume Lake, surrounded by hundreds of women, feeling overwhelmed. Weighed down by the miraculous work of the Holy Spirit. Undone by the love, grace, goodness, and mercy of God. Amazed that he would choose to use me. Again.
This year marks the third in a row that I have organized the women's retreat for the ladies of my church. It started three years ago when I decided that I wanted to attend a retreat. And, because I didn't want to go by myself, I began asking other women in my church if they wanted to go. The first year, we had 8 women, last year there were 12 of us and this year 16 women, of all ages, from our church attended the retreat.
My job as the organizer - to make sure everyone registers, pays, knows what to bring and has a ride. In addition, I have chosen each year to pray for the women who will be attending and provide them with a gift. (You can read about previous year's gifts here and here).
This year, I went through multiple ideas before finally landing on this - a journal with personalized label and inside, a letter to each woman.

LABEL CREATED BY:   THIS GIRLS DOODLES

So, by now you're probably wondering what is so amazing about any of this. Well...can you guess what the main theme for the women's retreat was? God's story. The challenge: To see God as the writer, director and producer of a grand story. To recognize that he is central, the main character. And to ask, "What is my part in God's story?"
It all seemed very familiar to me. And, it wasn't simply that "God's story" was the theme. There were specific words, phrases, and passages of scripture that were identical. For example, the first night of the retreat,the speaker read from Genesis 1 and Revelation 21 - the beginning and the end - focusing on God's story from creation to eternity, words that I had used in my letter.
An excerpt from my letter... As you write and reflect [in this journal], consider your part in God's story. Rest in the knowledge that every day of your life, from creation to eternity, has been purposed for you by the creator of the universe. You are his masterpiece – a reflection of him, showing the world his character and what he has done in you.

My prayer is that you would stand unashamed of your life's narrative. That you would not minimize who God has made you. That you would surrender your story to the author of hope. Let God be God. Let him write his story on your heart. Then, make space for him to move, for him to perform great and mighty miracles in and through you.

God created you. He loves you. He saved you and made you holy. Let him make your story great!
I wrote this during the weeks leading up to the retreat, without ANY knowledge of the speaker's message. I had NO IDEA that she would be speaking on the exact topic that God had been stirring in me. 
Can you see why I was overwhelmed? God had given me too much. The way he had orchestrated it all was overpowering. So much so that I could barely speak about it. It was so difficult explain. It still is. But, I had to share. Because it's proof that God is active. He is on the move and we can be a part of his movement, his story.
One of my favorite songs recently has been Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave. These lyrics capture what I was feeling so beautifully: I see the work of your hand I hear the sound of your voice Captivated by your beauty All that you've done is so overwhelming
Are you playing your part in God's story? Have you made room for him to overwhelm you?