Letters to Kindergarten: I Don't Know

With less than three weeks until school begins, I thought it was time to explore O's current feelings toward kindergarten...

Dear Kindergarten,

It is summer now. I am done with preschool. That means that kindergarten is starting soon. My mom says that I will go to kindergarten in August.

Some days I don't like August or kindergarten.

My mom keeps asking me how I know I don't like kindergarten. I just know. It will be hard and it will take too long. I don't like things that take too long. Waiting for the end of something is boring. Being patient is boring.

I have been to visit you, kindergarten. I even visited your bathroom, just to make sure that your toilet isn't too loud. Visiting is okay because it's short. Also, my mom gets to stay with me when we visit.

I asked my mom if she could go with me to kindergarten. She said she will come to help, sometimes. But, she can't come everyday. That is not fair.

My sisters think that I will like kindergarten. I don't know if they are right.

I did like some of the things I saw when I visited kindergarten. There were numbers and words and even dot-to-dot pictures. Those are not too hard.

Instead of going to kindergarten, I think I will stay home. I learned so many things when I was in preschool. I can already count to 100! I think I have learned enough. I don't need to learn anymore.

I think kindergarten is a nice place for some kids. But, maybe not for me. It was good to visit, but some days I still don't want to go.

I don't know exactly what will happen in kindergarten. When I don't know about something, I get scared. I am scared of a lot of things. Mom says I don't need to be scared, that it will be okay.

But, I just don't know.

Love,
O
To read more of O's letters to kindergarten, click here.

Image is Everything

His image. Not mine. His.

I wrote a post not long ago about my insecurities related to my own self-image. About how I feel when I look in the mirror. 
Although I have become more proficient at listening to God's voice and His opinion of me, it is still a struggle.

Yet, I am convinced, more now than ever, that God is with me in this struggle, even when it feels like he is absent or doesn't understand.

In just the last six weeks, I have come upon these verses, quotes and phrases:

So God created human beings in his own image.
    In the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.
- Genesis 27:1

For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. 
- Hebrews 10:14

We are called to be the light of the world so that God can reveal the radiance of His glory through our lives. 
- Beth Moore, Esther

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? 
She is more precious than rubies. 
- Proverbs 31:10

You were made as a representation, to reflect God's goodness, and to radiate His love. 
- Jennifer Smith, Wife after God

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. 
- Psalm 139:14

You were created with intention and you matter. 
- Jennifer Smith, Wife after God

I think know that God is speaking to me. It is no coincidence that these words and I have crossed paths. With God everything is intentional.

My challenge to you...pick one of these verses, phrases or quotes and let it resonate with you. Memorize it. Feel it. Own it. Live it.

Let God speak to you.

LINKING UP WITH

Creating Space

Do you have a space for yourself? A place that represents peace, rest, or relaxation?
Yesterday, I felt like I was in a state of chaos all day. It seemed as if all three kids were in a talkative mood, which led me to feeling like I was being bombarded with auditory stimuli. All day.
I took the three of them to Target in the afternoon. And, by the time we left, I had asked each of them, at least once, if they could just stop talking. Sound cruel? Maybe. But, I just couldn't take all the noise. It was too much for me.
In an effort to be productive and tame my internal chaos, I decided to clean, organize and create a peaceful retreat. I washed all the sheets from every bed, which I was regretting late in the afternoon, when I was exhausted and had to make four beds! I made beds, picked up toys, cleared the sink of dishes and emptied three unpacked suitcases.
Walking into my room, looking at my bed, made me happy. It gave me peace. 
I have never been one of those people that have to make my bed. In fact, I think the only time it gets made is once a month when the cleaning lady comes...because she makes it. It's just not one of those things that is important to me. Yesterday, it was. I posted this photo on Instagram. 

I decided not to stop with my bed. In our master bedroom we have a chaise. I bought it not long after we moved in, in an attempt to create a reading retreat for me. In the past eight years, I can count on one hand the number of times I have sat there and just read. Mostly, because it is usually covered with something. But, yesterday, I needed to know that I had a space.
So, I cleared off the chaise and brought in my Bible and devotional books to set on the ottoman. This is now what I see when I walk through my bedroom door.

Relief from chaos. Peace.
I made my bed again today and the chaise is still clear. I'm hoping to use my space today, even if just for a few minutes.

My Inspiration

I have always been a thinker. The type of person who ponders a conversation hours, maybe even days, after it has occurred. The type of person who reads a passage of scripture or a quote and creates an analogy or philosophy of living from it.

I am inspired by thoughts and this idea that there is a lesson in everything we see, read, or encounter on a daily basis. This process fuels my creativity and gives me plenty of inspiration for writing.

My writing, especially here on this blog, is one of the ways I make sense of all these thoughts. It's my way of getting through a difficult day or a chaotic or anxiety-filled life situation.

In February I wrote this post, which listed seven things that inspire me. All of these things - music, the Bible, prayer, family, other people, etc - still inspire me.

Lately, I have not had much time for blogging. Although I have been off work since the beginning of June, my kids have been off as well. That break time I find at work most days, seems to be more rare at home.

While my posts have been fewer, I have still felt inspired to write them. Instead of just writing to fill the space, I have tried to be faithful to my inner voice. If I read a scripture or quote in a Bible study, which spurs a thought, I make sure to write it down. These thoughts and ideas may not all get to be full posts now, but they will someday.

So, what inspires my blog posts? 
Everything. Anything. When that still small voice speaks inside of me, I write. Whether it's about birds at my windows, the beach, being anxious, or the rules of fashion, I write it.

Why? 
Because, if it's important to me, it may be important to someone else. If it makes sense to me, maybe is will make sense to someone else. And, if the lesson and message are what I need, someone else may need them to.


LINKING UP WITH

Look Around

Looking around my house, I see...

half eaten boxes of red vines and hot tamales, 

which fed my need for sugar and disrupted my ways of healthy eating

toys scattered over every inch of floor space

what should be a counter top, but instead is piles of papers, to do lists, iPods, notebooks and so much more

piles of laundry, both clean and dirty

Time that is going too fast. 

Kids that are growing older, which means I am too. 

A husband who works too hard, so that the rest of us don't have to do as much.

What I should see is...
a husband who loves me enough to take time to do an extra errand,  so that he can get me the candy I needed requested

a boy who loves to play, has an incredible imagination and is not restricted by only one type of activity anymore

a life well-lived, with happy and active children, and a mother and father who truly enjoy spending time with them

how fortunate I am to be living in a place and time when My family and I have so much. 

We have clothes, food, a home, electricity and so many more things that so many others don't have

I am thankful for summertime because it gives me the opportunity to really see all these things. To experience life with a different perspective.
To see what life is truly about.

P.S. Have you read the letter I wrote to my blogging friend, Katie? She is a brand new mama of a beautiful baby girl. You can read the bit of wisdom, about being a mother, that I shared with her, here.

Open to Interpretation

Last Saturday, M and I had a date night. It was wonderful!

One of the things I love about our date nights is getting dressed up. This is especially fun for me in the summer months, when I am not getting ready for work (or for anything, really) every day.

For Saturday's date, I was excited to wear my new black maxi dress and some fun new accessories.

This is the only photo I have from the evening. Oops.

The other thing I enjoy about date nights, is the ability to sit across the table from my husband, eat a meal, and have meaningful, uninterrupted conversation.

Most of our conversation on Saturday night centered around communication. We were discussing how different we are in the method and content of our communication, specifically in the context of our marriage.

While we are not the kind of couple that hash out each and every irritation or annoyance, we are also not the type to carry burdens and bitterness over weeks and months. Our communication falls somewhere in the middle. And, depending on the situation or concern, we are turn-takers with initiating this type of confrontational communication.

As a result of our discussion, we concluded that the way communication is received is dependent on the emotional, physical, etc. state of the person who is receiving it. To illustrate this point, M used an example from earlier in our evening, when we were getting ready to go.

I had asked his opinion about my necklace. His comment was neither negative nor overly positive. But, being a little self-conscious, I decided to try some other necklace options. Ultimately, none of them was what I wanted, so I went back to the original.

M's point about that situation was that even though I had responded to his comment, by looking for other options, I was not hurt or offended by it. However, on a different day or at a different time, I could have been.

It would have been easy for me to start a negative thought process...He hates the necklace. He thinks I look awful. Why are we even going out? But, for whatever reason, I didn't.

There are times when a person's words are meant to hurt. But, there are also times when words are just words and we interpret them to mean something that wasn't a part of their original intention.

This statement, by Beth Moore, was in my Bible study last week:

Because Satan has a limited leash where believers are concerned, his most powerful 

tactics are psychological. Though he can't posses our minds, he profoundly and 

destructively influences our thoughts.

I have been working hard not to let Satan control my thoughts, to focus on God's thoughts about me and about my marriage and relationships.

In another study, Wife after God, a 30-day devotional by the Unveiled Wife, the author said it this way:

God created you in His image...You were made as a representation, to reflect God's goodness, and to radiate His love...You were divinely designed by the creator of the universe, you were inspired by Him, and you were made with purpose.

If you and I interpret the words of others, the situations of this world and our daily lives with that knowledge, we can live with a sense of value and purpose. 

It is only when we are able to hear and see ourselves differently, that we will hear and see others differently too.

It all started...

There has been much debate over the years about when our love story actually began. Maybe that's because we really had a story that developed, grew slowly over time. There was no "love at first sight" or "I knew when" moment to hold onto to. It was simply an acquaintance that turned into a friendship, which became something more.
And, more is where we are today. Soon, M and I will be celebrating 13 years of marriage. But, there is so much more. 
We made our first commitment to each other, one cold evening in late November. November 23, 1994 to be exact. Sitting in an outdoor amphitheater, we professed our feelings for one another. Well...it actually took me another month to share my true feelings. It was M's first test of patience where I was concerned. I'm sure he would attest that there have been many more.

WINTER FORMAL (DEC. 1994) // VALENTINE'S DAY (1997) // LAS VEGAS (DEC. 1998)

For me, the beginning of the relationship was a challenge, for many reasons. Among them, I was a 19-year old college sophomore and M was a 16-year high school junior. Our age difference was a big deal, at least then. It is true that we had known each other for some time before we started dating, but people still thought it was odd. Actually, so did I. Obviously, I got over it.
Over the years, there have been many promises. One of the first promises M ever made to me was that he would stay local for college. Not sure if he remembers it the same as I do. We ended up spending four years in a long-distance relationship when he decided to attend college in a town approximately three hours away. At the time, I thought my life and our relationship was over. Obviously, I was wrong.
We worked hard during those four years to not only sustain our relationship across the miles and despite the changes we both experienced, but also to nurture and grow our love for each other. Looking back, I really did appreciate the ability to finish graduate school and complete my first year as a School Psychologist without feeling guilty for not spending enough time with my M. God had a plan.

We were married on July 22, 2000. Our wedding was perfect, for us. I still look at the photos and know that I wouldn't have changed any of it. While it may not be a reflection of who we are now, our styles or our preferences, it was an accurate reflection of who we were then. 
What I love about our story is that it continues to be a mystery to me. How do two people, who begin a relationship at 19 and 16, end up, nearly twenty years later, with three children, two careers and a completely different life than they started with, loving each other more than when they first met? 

OUR HONEYMOON - LAKE TAHOE (JULY 2000) // THERE ARE THREE IN THIS PHOTO (MAY 2002) // HAWAII - JUNE 2003

Has our life and love been perfect? No. Do I have any advice to help you maintain a happy and healthy marriage? Not really. There is no formula. No rules that work for everyone.
But, I do know what I think has contributed to our success as a married couple. Loving God and making Him a priority, individually and as a couple. When I find myself disconnected from my spouse or my life, I can usually attribute it to being disconnected from God. 
If I am truly loving God, with everything that I am, then loving my husband is so much easier. 
For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh...Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.  - Mark 10:9

Broken Hallelujah

I am not broken right now. But, I know people, some who are very close to me, that are. And, this is the only way I know to respond.

This post is for them, and for you, if you are without hope today.

Two languages I heard when I was young

One said make-believe, the other said run.

But I have no peace when I try to pretend,

And running never got me anywhere in the end.

Something deep inside me was longing just to breathe

And either voice I followed ever made me truly free.

This song, Broken Hallelujah, by Jenny Simmons, has ministered to me in times of brokenness. It has taught me about God's love, and the freedom that is found in accepting it, without reservation. To stay still and remain in His presence, even when you feel like running.

A heart divided cannot bear the weight

I'd almost given up and then I found this place

Where broken children gather and they sing their Father's song

My heart was aching at the sound, I had to sing along

This song speaks of a place where God's children can gather together, damaged and confused, yet praising Him.

And find me on my knees, with nothing left to hide

I'll be by the river, leaving all my shame behind

I'll be singing loud, I'll be singing clear

Broken Hallelujahs for everyone to hear

Singing broken Hallelujahs

You can find me here

Well history keeps trying to repeat

And the only way to stop its curse is learning how to speak

The language that is written in our hearts

Freedom comes when we find the place where mercy starts

So children gather 'round me now and sing that holy song

Where those that do not have a home can finally belong

The words reveal the necessity of moving toward God, even when you feel like separating from Him.

And find me on my knees, with nothing left to hide

I'll be by the river, leaving all my shame behind

I'll be singing loud, I'll be singing clear

Broken Hallelujahs for everyone to hear

Singing broken Hallelujahs

With God, there is no shame. Whether broken or whole, God is available. He is calling you to a place where His love and mercy and grace are abundant. 

Blessed are the poor in hearts

Blessed are the weary ones

Blessed are the ones who weep

For they will see eternity

Blessed are the ones who hunger

Blessed are the ones who thirst

Blessed are the sick and needy

God does not love us in spite of our weariness and weakness, He loves us because of it. Because it is only in our weakness that we can truly see our need for Him. It is only when we are broken and weary that we are richly blessed by His unending love.

Find me on my knees, with nothing left to hide

I'll be by the river, leaving all my shame behind

I'll be singing loud, I'll be singing clear

Broken Hallelujahs for everyone to hear

Singing broken Hallelujahs

You can find me here

You can find me here.

Moments

One of the reasons I write this blog is to capture the moments of my life, and my reflections on those moments. This weekend, M and I took the kids and my mom to the beach. It was a spur of the moment trip. Planned only after a very hot and uneventful Fourth of July. We just felt the need to do something, to go somewhere. 

As I sat on the beach Saturday afternoon, these were my thoughts and the moments elicited them...

I'm sitting at the beach wondering...why is it easier to feel this closer to God here? Sitting atop and among his creation. The waves crashing. The wind blowing.

Isn't the whole world God's creation? And, everything in it. Then, why is my awe and amazement so much greater when I'm staring at the into the vastness of the sea?

His love is wider and deeper and more vast than this ocean. His glory and mercy are beyond measure.

It is here where I have no fear, with the exception of wondering about the bowel patterns of the seagulls that move over head.

It is this place that is an escape from my normal life. There are no dishes here. No toys on the floor. There is only the sand, surf and water.

There are also paddle boats and playgrounds. But, unlike home, there are no time tables. No deadlines to meet and no dinner to make.

There is the man I love, holding the hands of my babes as they venture into the unknown.

Is it the same with God our father? Doesn't He hold on until its time to let go? When we can do it with support and encouragement, but without being held.

It's a place where we see progress. From the boy who wouldn't go near the sand, to the one who digs the deepest holes and gives a thumbs up to the waves crashing around his feet.

It is here where there is no comparisons. The sandcastles are our creation. They are perfect because they are ours.

Plus, our toes can get dirty in the sand.