Letters to Kindergarten: My Favorite Things

Dear Kindergarten,

We have known each other for awhile now. I can't believe that we only have nine more weeks together. I can still remember how scared I felt on the first day of school. But, now, I am not scared anymore. There are still things about you that feel strange and uncomfortable, but I trust you. I know you won't hurt me.

I am excited that I finally get to be the "very special person" this week. It seems like it took forever for me to have my turn. It will be fun to share some of my favorite things and pictures of me when I was a baby, with my friends.

Friends. That reminds me. One of my favorite parts of kindergarten is playing cops and robbers with my friends during recess. We ride bikes and chase each other. I like to be the good guy. That means I can catch the bad guys and put them in jail. It is so much fun!

Thursdays are great because that's when I get to do my show and tell. It is fun to "stump the crowd" with my clues. My mom always helps me think of clues that will make it hard for my friends to guess. Most of the time it works, unless I pick a friend who is already six or who is what Mrs. Smith calls a "brain stretcher". These kids are smart and can sometimes guess my sharing, even when my clues are tricky.

I also like getting homework from you, kindergarten. Some days I don't like all the writing and drawing, but my mom says I only have to do two or three pages every day, so that helps. I have been learning so much...I can even read now. I feel proud when I read to my mom and dad. They feel proud, too.

Also, I'm proud that I can walk into school by myself now. My dad or mom can stay in the car and watch me, but they don't need to go into class with me anymore. This is how most of the kids do it. I can be like them now.

Even though some days I am very tired when I get home, I still love you, kindergarten. I know I will miss you when June comes. But, for now, I am happy that we get to be together a little while longer.

Love,
O

P.S. Tell Mrs. Smith that she is one of my favorite things too!

To read O's other letters to kindergarten, click here.

Crazy Good

Life right now, is good. Not perfect. But, good. I have been finding time to do a little bit of everything that makes my life full. Prayer, deep thinking, writing. Quiet reading. Family, friends, kids' activities. Speaking, encouraging and loving.

That's not to say that I haven't been wrestling with God about a few things (more to come on these later). But, I think that God-wrestling is positive. It means that He and I are communicating. That He's not just a presence, but an active presence. 
Isn't it in the struggle and questioning that we can see more of what God desires for us? Just like Jacob, who said, only after wrestling with an angel of God and being blessed by him, "I have seen God face to face..." (Genesis 32:30)

As much as I wish that I could spend the majority of my life in the times of quiet, deep thinking and wrestling, life is moving. And, I must move with it. So, that's what I've been doing. Taking advantage of this motion, and looking for joy in each of the movements.

Saturday night I had the opportunity to see, a live stage show, Secret Keeper Girl, with both my girls. 

The message of the show is for moms and girls, ages 8 to 12. It's a message that normal is overrated and that our value is found in God, not in following the crowd. In other words, as Christians, we were created to live and act differently than others in this world. 
The evening was fun, inspirational, and a little bit crazy!

I didn't know what to expect going into the evening. My decision to buy tickets for the event was based on an advertisement I heard repeatedly on the radio. I simply thought it would be a fun night for the girls and I to be together. 

But, as usual, God surprised me. The key verse of the night was:
If I acted crazy, I did it for God...Christ's love has moved me to such extremes.  His love has the first and last word in everything we do.

2 Corinthians 5:13-14 (MSG)

That's a little how I've been feeling lately...God-crazy. I loved that my girls were getting that lesson, too!
In order to live out God's purpose for our lives, we must be seen as different. After all, my belief is only sincere and evident to others if it changes my behavior. If not, I'm just like everybody else. And, as I've said before...I don't want to hide anymore. 
I want to be light in a dark world. I want to bring Jesus to you. Do you see him?

Searching for Joy

Tonight I will be leading a group of women in a discussion on the book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. One of the things God laid on my heart was to write a letter of encouragement to these women. Something that they could take with them and read at a time when joy seems elusive or impossible. 

If that is you today, I pray that you will find peace, encouragement and joy in these words...

To the One Who is Searching for Joy,

I am you. I am searching for joy too.

Aren't we all looking for joy? Even if it's just for a little more than what we already have.

Yet, I also possess a desire for control. To know my circumstances and my future. To hold tight to the idea that I can make joy happen myself. But, isn't it this desire that actually kills joy?

If you're anything like me, this is a daily battle for you. You feel like God is constantly bringing you to that place where faith meets fear, where there is a battle between worry and anxiety and peace and joy. It is a fight. It is a choice.

My friends, in order to experience joy, you have to want to see it. It is there. We just have to look for it, to recognize it. However, instead of leaning into joy in times of stress or struggle, it is in our nature to try and escape and pull away from the very thing, the very One, who brings joy.

In Genesis 16, after Hagar became pregnant with Ishmael, she ran away. But, the angel of the Lord found her and told her to return from where she had come. After that, Hagar had a new perception of the Lord. She had experienced His seeking and been in His presence.

After that, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.”

However, she also asked, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?”  (Genesis 16:13)

My prayer for you, is that you would see the one who sees you. That you would seek His face, so that you may experience the fullness of His grace. There is joy in His presence, in His gifts.

God is in everything - every time, place and circumstance. In times of certainty and waiting. Not only that, but He is always good and always loves. If you believe this about God, how can you not make the choice for joy? How can you not act, accepting all the gifts He has given you, daily?

So, whether you're searching for joy or success or peace or provision, choose God first. Choose Him. The rest will come. In His way and His time.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

- Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

May you see joy today!

God is in the Waiting

During my 40-days off from the blog, I had a health scare. I found something, which concerned me...and concerned the doctor as well. He ordered a whole scope of blood work and an ultrasound. Then, we waited. It was two weeks before we would learn the results.

During that time, I asked for prayer. From my family and friends. I wanted everything to be okay. Yet, that wasn't the prayer I asked for. I asked for people to pray for my peace, during the time of waiting and when the results finally came. I wanted to praise God, no matter what. I wanted to see his mighty hand and know that I could trust him. I wanted to be thankful...in everything.

It was during that two weeks that I flooded Instagram and Pinterest with verses and quotes of suffering, of God's power and his unchanging character. I found comfort in these. Even though I wasn't yet suffering, I needed these words. They helped me see God, in my past present and future. He was there.

I was preparing myself for the worst. Not with anxiety, thinking the worst, as I have in the past. But, instead preparing my heart for bad news, so that I would be ready. Just in case.

I recently re-read through the book, One Thousand Gifts. One of the things that has struck me about this book is it's realism. It is not a prescription for joy. It is not some Pollyanna version of life. It's about real life. A real woman who daily builds her muscles of gratitude by hunting for God's grace in the everyday. In each moment. It is not simply a flip of the switch, it is daily exercise.

During my waiting, I was intentional about exercise. Not physical exercise, but spiritual. Fortunately, the news I got was positive. No serious health concerns. But, what if it had been the C word. What if I was faced with my own mortality. What then? Would I have been ready? I hope so. But, I will never know for sure.

What I do know...is that God was there for me, in the waiting. I was aware of his presence, his love. What could have been an anxiety-filled time of worry and fear, was generally a time of peace and comfort. A way for God to make himself known.

I'm Back + My First Vlog

The last 40 days have been like a mountain-top experience for me. I have read, watched, and studied so many amazing truths. It has been like a retreat for my mind and spirit. 

For the past 40-days I have been on a blog fast. During that time, although I was still present in social media, I did not blog, check pageviews or likes, or actively promote my blog.

Fasting is a spiritual discipline. It's about replacing the time you spend doing one activity (e.g. eating, social media browsing, or in my case, blogging) with time spent with God, in prayer, in study, etc. For me, fasting is not about giving up, it's about gaining intimacy with God. It's not about being deprived, but about seeking to be filled with Christ.

Lately, I've felt the need to be fed, spiritually. Anytime I can hear another woman speak, I do.I seek to read about what other godly women are saying and doing. In fact, I "attended" IF:  GATHERING from my home and watched over a dozen women writers and biblical scholars. It was incredible!  
Yet, I want more. Every day.
I've been doing Bible studies, reading books, and choosing passages of scripture to reflect on. I have had a desire to be immersed in the Word. To learn. To grow.

It's like a craving. This desire to know Him more. And, I can't imagine living in a state where I am not seeking him. To be out of his presence, to be in a state of ingratitude or indifference, feels wrong.
Jesus said, in John 7:37, "Anyone who is thirsty may come to me." And, when we do this, chose to quench our thirst, and be filled with Jesus, this "living water" that only He can give, will flow out of us. That is how we are designed, to be filled with God, so that we can offer that gift of Jesus to others.

During this time of fasting, my prayers have been for direction, for clarity in my purpose. God's response has consistently been, choose me. And, I have been working to do that...in every way I can.

For example, late in February, on one of my days off from work, I was mentally running through my to do list, when God stopped me. It was clear to me in that moment that I needed to make that day about what God wanted me to do. So, I asked Him. The answer was clear. Go to Mommy and Me, He said. This is a program at my church where mom's bring their toddlers and preschoolers. I have attended in the past with my own kids, but hadn't been there in years.

So, I sent a text to the woman in charge and asked if she needed my help. She said, yes. 
My friends, I had no idea why God was sending me there. But, I went anyway. There was record attendance that morning. I spoke to one mom about SPD. I was approached by a friend, who, without prompting, encouraged me to keep writing. I had fulfilled a need, I didn't even know existed. And, I never would have known if I hadn't thought to ask.

Also in the spirit of being obedient and of stepping out of my comfort zone, I am including a video in this blog post. Never thought I would do that. Hmmmm. Another one of those things that God spoke to me about. Make a vlog, He said.

It's a little shaky (and I'm talking very fast), but here it is anyway...

Another part of this fast, this seeking that I've been doing, has been to gain insight. To get answers about whether or not I should continue blogging. In my last post, I spoke of the positives and negatives of blogging and the struggles I face each time I hit publish.

I have learned that just because blogging is hard and just because it tests me, doesn't mean that I should stop doing it. In fact, it may even mean that I should embrace it even more. We can't avoid the things that cause us to inspect ourselves, to look deeper at who we are and what we are motivated by.
So, what does it mean to choose Him, in life or in blogging? It means, being willing to say yes. To whatever He asks. Whether or not He allows you to do it. Sometimes, God asks simply to get your attention, to test your readiness. It may not be comfortable. In fact, it may be downright scary.

God is asking, "Who are you? Will you be her?" 

Amena Brown Owen, Restless book club video

Who am I? I am not a person to shy away from challenges. At least, not anymore. So, why was I even contemplating leaving blogging? It wasn't because I didn't enjoy it or because I wasn't finding time for it. It was because keeping perspective was getting too hard.

When I really thought about it, I realized that I do hard things, everyday, so why should this be any different. Maybe, God is trying to teach me something in the challenging and difficult world of blogging. I have so much to learn.

Thorns push us to need God, and as I make my way through my thorns, I remember my humanity, my insecurity, my fear, my sin. 

I rustle through them all, knowing that through all this unbelief and fear and selfishness, he is on the other side. 

I wish it were easier. But then again, it would cost nothing and mean nothing if it were.

- Jennie Allen, Restless