I'm Back + My First Vlog

The last 40 days have been like a mountain-top experience for me. I have read, watched, and studied so many amazing truths. It has been like a retreat for my mind and spirit. 

For the past 40-days I have been on a blog fast. During that time, although I was still present in social media, I did not blog, check pageviews or likes, or actively promote my blog.

Fasting is a spiritual discipline. It's about replacing the time you spend doing one activity (e.g. eating, social media browsing, or in my case, blogging) with time spent with God, in prayer, in study, etc. For me, fasting is not about giving up, it's about gaining intimacy with God. It's not about being deprived, but about seeking to be filled with Christ.

Lately, I've felt the need to be fed, spiritually. Anytime I can hear another woman speak, I do.I seek to read about what other godly women are saying and doing. In fact, I "attended" IF:  GATHERING from my home and watched over a dozen women writers and biblical scholars. It was incredible!  
Yet, I want more. Every day.
I've been doing Bible studies, reading books, and choosing passages of scripture to reflect on. I have had a desire to be immersed in the Word. To learn. To grow.

It's like a craving. This desire to know Him more. And, I can't imagine living in a state where I am not seeking him. To be out of his presence, to be in a state of ingratitude or indifference, feels wrong.
Jesus said, in John 7:37, "Anyone who is thirsty may come to me." And, when we do this, chose to quench our thirst, and be filled with Jesus, this "living water" that only He can give, will flow out of us. That is how we are designed, to be filled with God, so that we can offer that gift of Jesus to others.

During this time of fasting, my prayers have been for direction, for clarity in my purpose. God's response has consistently been, choose me. And, I have been working to do that...in every way I can.

For example, late in February, on one of my days off from work, I was mentally running through my to do list, when God stopped me. It was clear to me in that moment that I needed to make that day about what God wanted me to do. So, I asked Him. The answer was clear. Go to Mommy and Me, He said. This is a program at my church where mom's bring their toddlers and preschoolers. I have attended in the past with my own kids, but hadn't been there in years.

So, I sent a text to the woman in charge and asked if she needed my help. She said, yes. 
My friends, I had no idea why God was sending me there. But, I went anyway. There was record attendance that morning. I spoke to one mom about SPD. I was approached by a friend, who, without prompting, encouraged me to keep writing. I had fulfilled a need, I didn't even know existed. And, I never would have known if I hadn't thought to ask.

Also in the spirit of being obedient and of stepping out of my comfort zone, I am including a video in this blog post. Never thought I would do that. Hmmmm. Another one of those things that God spoke to me about. Make a vlog, He said.

It's a little shaky (and I'm talking very fast), but here it is anyway...

Another part of this fast, this seeking that I've been doing, has been to gain insight. To get answers about whether or not I should continue blogging. In my last post, I spoke of the positives and negatives of blogging and the struggles I face each time I hit publish.

I have learned that just because blogging is hard and just because it tests me, doesn't mean that I should stop doing it. In fact, it may even mean that I should embrace it even more. We can't avoid the things that cause us to inspect ourselves, to look deeper at who we are and what we are motivated by.
So, what does it mean to choose Him, in life or in blogging? It means, being willing to say yes. To whatever He asks. Whether or not He allows you to do it. Sometimes, God asks simply to get your attention, to test your readiness. It may not be comfortable. In fact, it may be downright scary.

God is asking, "Who are you? Will you be her?" 

Amena Brown Owen, Restless book club video

Who am I? I am not a person to shy away from challenges. At least, not anymore. So, why was I even contemplating leaving blogging? It wasn't because I didn't enjoy it or because I wasn't finding time for it. It was because keeping perspective was getting too hard.

When I really thought about it, I realized that I do hard things, everyday, so why should this be any different. Maybe, God is trying to teach me something in the challenging and difficult world of blogging. I have so much to learn.

Thorns push us to need God, and as I make my way through my thorns, I remember my humanity, my insecurity, my fear, my sin. 

I rustle through them all, knowing that through all this unbelief and fear and selfishness, he is on the other side. 

I wish it were easier. But then again, it would cost nothing and mean nothing if it were.

- Jennie Allen, Restless