It's Worth the Risk

I am not a risk taker. Now, I'm not just talking about huge, physical risks, like sky diving or bungee jumping. I'm talking about any risk, making any change or taking any step that is not a part of my usual path.

Over the past few months, I have found myself taking many more risks. Starting this blog was one of them. I was terrified. Terrified that people would read it, and that they wouldn't. But, as you may have read in an earlier post, I felt led by the Holy Spirit to tell my story, so that even one person may be changed, if not many.

The other area of my life in which I have found myself taking more risks, is relationships. I have felt extremely burdened to connect with, minister to, or show love towards other women, some that I have known for years, and others a shorter time.

This was a new feeling for me. First, because I have always viewed myself as being gifted in and drawn towards ministries involving children. Second, because, I have often been uncomfortable with and avoided taking initiative in relationships based on fear. Fear that the person may not need me - "She knows so many people, has so many friends, what does she need with me?" Or, being afraid of rejection, of hearing the word "no" in response to an invite, taking it personally - "She must not want to go with me."

Now, these fears and insecurities may seem silly to some of you, but they have always been real to me, and have kept me at a distance from others. So, when I felt God saying something like, "You need to connect with her. Send her a note. Take her for coffee. Invite her over for dinner," I thought it was crazy! Really?! This can't be right. But, I kept feeling it...that burden, that need to connect just wouldn't go away.

So, I had no choice but to listen. I believe that my ability to take more risks, has been due to my openness to what God wants me to do, not what I want or am comfortable with. This has been an amazing change in my life since April, and I am so grateful for it.

And, as a result, I have been blessed with many more relationships, with some amazing people. People I would have missed the chance to connect with had I chose to ignore that voice, that stirring within.

Joyce Meyer, in Promises for Your Everyday Life, puts it this way, "Every common person can be used mightily by God. You just have to believe He can use you and be daring enough to embrace the goals or vision He puts in your heart. You have been chosen!"

For what purpose has God chosen you? Is there a risk you should take?

It's All Right

Once again a business trip turned into a family vacation this past weekend. But, this time there was something utterly special about being in Sacramento.

Since M and I were celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary, it was fitting to be celebrating that day in the city where we began our life together. We were able to visit our favorite restaurant and reminisce about many of the things we loved about our early married life in Sacramento. We were also able to share those memories with our kids. It was a great way to spend such a special day.

As is usual for me lately, spending time in a city where I once lived, got me thinking. Aside from being our first home as a married couple, what was it that made our time in Sacramento so memorable? There were the obvious things, like the birth of our first two children, owning our first home, eating Mexican food at Ernesto's, attending basketball games and events, mostly for free, at what was once Arco Arena...and the list goes on.

But, what I really remember most are the relationships we had during that time. The forever friends we found at a time when we were setting up our identity as a married couple. Unfortunately, it was the distance put between these relationships that helped cement our decision to leave the city where we started our married life and return to the place where we had grown up. To return to our families.

And while our return "home" brought many positive elements back into our lives, there were many things missing. Our friends. The truth was, we only spent three years with these friends before they moved away, but it seemed like we had known them forever.

Even though it is difficult to keep up a relationship over thousands of miles, we have have managed to stay connected. We have calls each New Year's, which makes it convenient for us west coasters who have a hard time staying up until midnight. And, with us taking two trips to the east and them coming west once, we have even managed to get together over the years.

When I think about them so far away and the fact that we both have three children all the same ages, I long for a different set of circumstances, when we could have stayed living in the same city, with our families remaining connected.

Yet, I know that I cannot change anything about the circumstances of our friendship. And, that's okay. God gave us these friends at the perfect time in our life. It was a time and place when we truly needed them, and they needed us.

And, the reality is that God has put many more people in our lives who have become so important, so special to us, over the past seven years. His timing is perfect. He always knows what and who we need.

This weekend we celebrated 12 years of marriage, of a life together. There are many things, both positive and negative that we have experienced in the past twelve years. I am grateful for all of them, as they have led us to this point. To the place, with the people that are right for us, now.

Just One Day

My day yesterday began just after 6am. I awoke to find O sleeping next to me. And, when I say next, I mean sleeping with his back smashed against mine. I have been waking up this way for months, as O has been making the trek down the hall to our bedroom every night. I'm still not sure how or when it started, and, although it is not something that I wish to continue, I have not yet done anything to stop it.

I left O sleeping in bed and walked to the front of the house. As is typical, A was sitting on the couch watching TV. She is, and always has been, my early riser. She will sleep in if she goes to bed later than usual, but that also increases her chances for sleep walking. We first discovered her sleep walking last summer, when M caught her trying to get out of the house. It is generally frightening and we have found that she is less likely to sleep walk if she is in bed early. And, in bed early, means awake early, even during summer vacation.

I passed M in the hallway, as he was on his way to shower. I gave him a quick "good morning" and continued on, hoping to get a moment to sit peacefully before the craziness of the day began.

Sometimes in the early morning,  I will take time to exercise. But, not yesterday. Just wasn't up for it.

By 7am everyone was awake and M had taken off to work. He had to drive out of town again, so he had left the house early. I spent the morning assisting the kids with getting their breakfasts, and when I was sure that no one would need me for 10 minutes, I took time for my shower.

Once we all were ready, meaning dressed with our hair combed and teeth brushed, we headed to the grocery store. Because of the heat, I was anxious to get to the store early, so we could get home and remain there the  rest of the day.

I spent my time in the grocery store, and pretty much the rest of the day, alternating between enjoying my children and being annoyed by them. It is a fine line sometimes, especially when the girls get to giggling, which irritates their brother, who starts yelling for them to be quiet. Then, I realize that O's tolerance for noise is not too much different from mine. It is at that point that I separate the girls for a brief period, just enough time to get rid of the giggles.

We also baked bread, put together puzzles, and built a zoo. The kids played together for awhile, with two pretending to be animals, while the other was their owner. If you know my kids, you will automatically know who played the part of the owner. Because of this arrangement, the game didn't last long.

After lunch was rest time. It is definitely a time of the day that I look forward to. O still naps, for about two hours, and the girls are required to have an hour of quiet time, separated from each other. It was heavenly.

I also got a lot of reading done yesterday, even after rest, while O played with his trains and the girls were painting. It was one of those days when it was enough for me to be in a central location in the house, accessible to all, but not necessarily involved. Those types of days, have been coming more often, since O is getting used to having us all home, and doesn't feel the need to have me nearest to him all day.

I made dinner. Or, more accurately I put together a dinner of sloppy joes and Caesar salad for the girls and I. O had his usual chicken nuggets, pasta and watermelon, with ketchup, of course.

After dinner, the girls did their clean up and chores for the evening, which included emptying the dishwasher so that I could load it again. Then, the girls decided they were in the business of hand and feet massages. So, while taking some more time to read, I got my hands and feet massaged. And, the best part, I only owe each of them a quarter, which they so generously told me I could pay them later.

O watched Thomas while I wrote and the girls got ready for bed. Throughout the movie, O asked me questions about his movie. Even though he already knows the answers, he asks me questions like, "Which engine is blue and has the number one?" Sometimes I know the answer and sometimes I don't. He often gives me multiple choice, which only sometimes helps me get the answer right. If I give the wrong answer, I am corrected and we move on to the next one.

With 10 minutes to go before bed, I informed O that I was going to set the bedtime timer. Everything just seems to go better when there is a timer set.

When the timer rang, it was time for potty and teeth. Last night, we got through it with no resistance, thankfully. Then, it was a story for O and me going between all three bedrooms until every child was satisfied that I had answered all their questions and met their needs for the day. Why is it that bed time brings the most philosophical and theological questions? Maybe there is some avoidance involved.

This process takes the longest with O. He must ask me all of his usual questions, get the nail that has been bugging him all day cut, and decide if he wants to be snug in his covers and how many covers he wants, if he wants any at all.

The rounds of bedroom hopping and questions, ends with the dreaded question. It's the one I hope he forgets, but hasn't for months, "Mom, can I sleep in your bed tonight?" If I say no, it will start a huge meltdown and since I am so close to some time to myself, I desperately want to avoid that. So, I say, "Yes, but you have to sleep in your bed first," hoping that he will actually sleep in his bed all night. Probably won't happen. And, so it continues....

Search for Independence

As a country, we just finished celebrating Independence Day. Personally, that meant...Fireworks. Food. Friends. Fun.

However, in my house, the independence I spend most days focusing on, in not such a celebratory manner, is that of a preschooler, which looks very different. Hands on hips. Loud voice. "I'll do it myself!"

It's not that I don't want O to become more independent. In fact, I am so proud of the many things that he can do on his own. To put it in perspective, a year ago O had difficulty using both of his hands together to complete a task, which made something simple, like pulling up or or down his own pants, a challenge. Try it sometime...it really does take two hands. He is now able to dress himself, when he wants to, but it's not a smooth or quick process.

Then, there's the attitude and resistance to accepting even the smallest amount of help, that comes on the path towards independence. There is nothing more frustrating to me than when O decides that he wants to buckle his own seat belt, when we are already leaving later than planned, and he won't let me do anything to help the process along.

Yet, I stand there, trying not to show my annoyance, all the while thinking, "Why can't you just accept a little help? It really would make this process more efficient and go a lot faster."

This got me thinking...Don't I like to do things myself? Isn't this why I don't often ask for help? Even though I know that asking for help is not a bad thing, I cannot bring myself to do it easily. It's possible that there is a bit of pride involved. Or maybe I see it as a sign of weakness in myself, even though that's not how I view it in others. Whatever the reason, I would rather "do it myself" (at times, with a little attitude) than ask for help.

You'd think that this resistance to help would mean that I have complete confidence in myself, in my ability to do it all on my own. In fact, the opposite is true. I would love to have more confidence, in myself or my abilities.

Take a look at the confidence described in Paul's letter to the Romans:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. - Romans 15:13 (NLT)

First we trust in God, then, when He fills us with joy, peace, confidence, and hope, we can do it.

Here is a photo of my little boy on Independence Day.

Is he scared of fireworks? Yes and no. Although he loves how they look, he doesn't like how they sound. Honestly, they are loud. So, in order to enjoy the fireworks this year, he took a little assistance, from some noise-canceling head phones.

Maybe we do life best with a little support, protection. Is it when we are just scared enough or when our confidence has taken just enough of a beating, we are more willing to accept the help of someone or something? Just something to think about...