New Perspectives

I injured my shoulder this weekend. Well, a more appropriate phrase may be, "irritated my shoulder." On Friday evening, I was taking a bath. I was listening to music and wanted to keep my hands dry so that I could easily find the my songs of choice. Apparently, my right shoulder was not accustomed to the position I held it in for nearly 30 minutes...and, by the time I exited the bath, it spasmed in protest.
This spasming continued that night and all day Saturday. My range of motion was severely limited. Since I am right-handed, this did not make anything  - even getting dressed and using the restroom - easy for me. I spent most of the day frustrated and in tears, while attempting to function. 
Finally, at the request of my husband, I stopped doing things. It was determined - by him mostly - that rest, in addition to alternating ice and heat, were the best solutions and would lead to quicker healing. By Sunday, I had a little more movement without pain, but was still limited.
As I type this, I am wondering how much time I am going to have to spend icing my shoulder after I'm done. 
For me, this incident was just one more reminder that things can't always be looked at or done the same way. There may be a new way. A better, more efficient way. At least for a season.
When I couldn't use my right arm, I became depedent on my left arm. While I always have this arm, I don't depend on it often, at least solely. But, it still worked. Not in the same way, but it worked.
This weekend, I also re-read The Shack, by Wm. Paul Young. I read this book several years ago, found it in a box in my closet last week and felt led to read it again. Because I was so limited in my activity for the weekend, I was able to finish the book.
One of my favorite quotes in the book comes from a scene in which God is speaking to the main character, Mack. He says, 
Remember this, humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the intentions I have for them;  not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image.
If you haven't read this book, I encourage you to. It is fascinating and confusing and will give you a new perspective on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Or, at least it will challenge you to re-examine your own perspective.
How fitting that I would read this book this weekend. Coincidence? I don't believe in those anymore. 
However, I do believe in a God who has orchestrated every moment of my life and is with me in all of them.

This knowledge causes me to change and gain new perspectives. And, challenges me to step outside what I think I know to search for his answer. 
He has known me. He is knowing me. He will forever know me. 

Anything

I recently finished reading the book, Anything, by Jennie Allen. As I read the book, I wondered...how is it possible for her to know me so well? Since, we've obviously never met. What I realized was that if I believe that the words I write are inspired by God and believe that when she writes, her words are also inspired, then it's not Jennie Allen that knows me so well. It is God.
He is the one who knows exactly what I need to read and hear at any given moment. Because of that truth, I can be confident that the message in Anything is for me. Especially since it goes along with so many of the other messages I've been hearing and reading lately... surrender,  be willing,  give me everything,  I will take you beyond your dreams
If I am willing to pray anything, Lord, anything, I believe great things will happen. If I let him write my story, instead of trying to take the lead, my life will be extraordinary. And, it will glorify him.
Recently, I've written about calling and the constant struggle between fear and faith, which is a part of my journey. I have surrendered. I have made myself empty and opened my hands to be filled by God. Yet, I still feel a little stuck, unwilling to truly say, anything.
I have said yes to a new project. I have sought opportunities to speak and write outside of this space. I have followed the urging of the spirit and pursued friendships, encouraged and invited. But, anything means everything and some days I'm not sure I can do that. As much as I want to.
I think I will try it for one day and then another. Maybe with each small step, my life will gradually become more of what he wants it to be. It seems to be working so far.

Although I've been a christian for over 30 years, I feel as if I'm just beginning to understand what it means to live for Jesus. Prior to this journey, which God started me on two years ago, I was mostly neutral, medium, status quo. I knew Jesus, but was not always passionate about him. I was familiar with God and the Bible and church and they were a part of my life, but I had not lived for them.
I was generally a mediocre christian, with moments of spark and moderate intensity. I wasn't all in, especially when life was hard. When things got tough, I wanted to quit or strive to create my own alternate story, without stopping to ask God what he wanted.
Hebrews 12:12 says, "So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees." (emphasis added)
Even when we are or have been weary or feeble, God urges us to start again. To push on into victory, so we can experience true freedom. 
Disappointment is not an end, but an opportunity for a divine appointment.  One disappointment, or even more than one, does not mean that all the good works  God ordained for you long before you were born are now impossible, ended, defeated.  There are still many ahead of you, beyond the disappointment. Christine Caine, Undaunted
That is my challenge for me...and for you. Don't stay stuck in disappointment. Start new today. Pray, anything. And, mean it. 

Six

Dear O,
Today is your sixth birthday! It is also Easter. I was worried that you would not like sharing your special day, but you couldn't be more excited about it.

EASTER 2010

I can't begin to express how proud I am of you. You have accomplished so much this year and have been brave through it all. I am so happy that you have found a best friend and love seeing you enjoy kindergarten so much. Even though life is still unpredictable for you, you are learning how to handle the twists and turns.
This year, my prayer is that I can let you go just a little more. I know that I have a tendency to protect you more than I should. I worry that you will be too scared or uncomfortable and it is hard for me to see you feeling that way. But, I am learning to trust God, knowing that He is with you always, even when I can't be. And, that He loves you even more than I do.  

Even though, I know you have so much more growing to do, I can't help but look back at how much you've grown and wonder how you got to be such a big boy. Most days you take life seriously and are eager to learn as much as you can. But, you are also becoming more comfortable with being silly, which makes me smile. Unless, of course, you are talking about gas and boogers, which just makes me say, "EWWW!"

I love you, son. Happy birthday to you, my boy!
Love,  Mama

Do Something

I just began reading Jen Hatmaker's book, Interrupted. Although I'm not sure what kind of passion God is raising up in me yet - maybe it's the thing I already wrote about or something completely different. However, as a result of Jen's honesty and inspiration to move beyond our own walls - figuratively and literally - I know I must do something. 
How can I do nothing?
This book tells the story of social injustice and our responsibility to do something - anything - about it. It started with a prayer, which began a journey of discovery and led to action.
After Jen describes some of the reasons why we choose to ignore the poor and oppressed - fear of disappointment or betrayal, frustration, and possible misuse of resources - she says this... 
"When Jesus' followers asked him what to do about the weeds in the harvest field, He said to treat them the the same as the wheat...I assure you, for every weed who will take advantage of your mercy, there are fifty stalks of wheat who will shed tears of gratitude for it. There was one Judas, but eleven disciples who were forever transformed by Jesus' broken body. The risk of encountering a few weeds is not sufficient reason to avoid the whole field of human suffering." (p.58)
What did this make me think of? My nine year old daughter who wants to give blankets to the homeless in the winter. Why? Because it's cold and they don't have blankets. Nothing more. Nothing less. She wants to meet a need and doesn't have any fear about when or how the blankets will be used. She doesn't even consider that this won't be appreciated.
Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children,  you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. Matthew 18:3
I know we say that life is complicated. But, maybe we're the ones that make it that way. We over analyze. Over think. Even Jesus expressed the importance of exhibiting childlike faith.
See a need. Meet it. Is it really that simple?

Stop Comparing

One morning last week, as I was working out, I began praying.

As I was mentally going through those on my prayer list, I started thinking about my own struggles, wondering how they compared to the struggles of those I was praying for. Were they as big or significant? How does the possible loss of a child compare to needing to get a better handle on my eating habits? Or, a broken marriage compare with a tween with a bad attitude?

When I realized what I was doing, I stopped. Then, I cursed Satan for being able to distract me, even during my prayer time.

In John 16:33, Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

He doesn’t say, “Some of you will have greater troubles than others” or “You will have peace in me only if your troubles are significant.” There is no distinction, making one type of struggle more important, more meaningful or more worthy of prayer than another. 

Although some commentaries suggest that the use of trouble in this verse speaks of the hardship Christians may endure as a result of following Christ, others suggest that the word trouble comes from the Hebrew word tsarah, which can be defined as, among other things, distress.

Again, there is no mention of one tribulation being worse than another. It’s simply, that trouble will occur. So, why do we continue to get caught in the comparison trap, even for something as painful as the types of problems we encounter? This seems ridiculous. Yet, I would argue that it is not that uncommon and that I am not the only one who has done this.

Not only do we want our “goods” to be better than the person next to us, we want our “bads” to be worse. And when they’re not, we feel insignificant and wonder if God will even notice our struggles when put side by side with our neighbor’s.

This is a dangerous trap. In 2 Corinthians 10:12, Paul criticizes the false teachers of the time by saying, “Oh, don’t worry; we wouldn’t dare say that we are as wonderful as these other men who tell you how important they are! But they are only comparing themselves with each other, using themselves as a standard of measurement. How ignorant!”

As Christians, we are called to compare ourselves with God’s standards, not against the standards of other people. Instead of asking yourself, “How does my life compare with my neighbor’s?” Ask, “How does my life measure up to what God wants?” Likewise instead of comparing our burdens and struggles with those of our peers, we should look to God and his word for the standard of measurement for trials.

So, I started looking. You know what I found when looking for scripture related to the “standards” for trials, problems and struggles? Nothing.

While I found many verses about how God helps us to endure our hardships, I found nothing about one struggle being worse or better than another.

The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits our crushed.

The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

Psalm 34:17-19 (emphasis added)

My friends, let’s continue to recognize the struggles of others. Let’s do as is commanded in Galatians 6:2 and share each other’s burdens, lifting our friends, neighbors and loved ones to God in prayer. But, let’s stop comparing our struggles. Because…

God sees them all. He rescues us all.

Nine

Dear E,

You are nine today. This is hard for me to believe. Time has gone so fast.

Just as you've grown taller and your hair has grown longer - you didn't have any for the longest time - your heart has also grown bigger. You have such a caring spirit and you love more and better than anyone I know. This love is evident in your prayers and in your desire to help those who are less fortunate than yourself.

This sensitivity that helps you love more also makes it easier for you to be hurt. I worry about how the big hurts in life will affect you and I pray that God will find a way to protect your heart and help you to see the good in all situations.

This year, as your mom, my goal is to slow down in my interactions with you. My hope is that this slowing will help me see you as you are, in every moment, as a special gift from God.

I pray that you will always be true to yourself, even if it isn't popular or appreciated by this world. Don't ever stop loving, praying and caring for people. This desire comes from the Holy Spirit in you. As a result, you will be an encouragement and blessing to so many.

Happy birthday, my sweet girl. I love you!

Love,
Mom

When Fear Meets Faith {My Messy Beautiful}

When I was a young girl, I was shy. Actually, that's an understatement. I was extremely shy. I barely spoke outside of my home, even though I was speaking in complete sentences by the time I was a year old. My poor mom got some strange looks when she told people I could talk. No one believed her, since they never heard me.

As I grew up, that shyness remained. Although I was still nervous around people, especially those I didn't know well, I was able to participate in school, have conversations and develop friendships.

Yet, the anxiety I had around social conversation, relationships and public speaking continued.

I have always thought too much about my spoken words. There are times when I say something in conversation, which I repeat over and over in my head, wondering if I should have said something else. Because of this, the written word has always been easier for me. I can cut and paste, delete what I don't like and edit for mistakes.

I'm not sure when things started to change. But, I know that they have. Am I still anxious? Yes. Do I have many fears? Yes. Does my entire body shake when I have to speak in front of a group? Yes. Yet, in spite of all of that, I have been able accomplish so much more than I ever thought possible in this area of my life.

It's like God has turned this fear upside down. He has turned it into faith. Does it make sense that if I have a poor self image, posting photos of myself online or on social media would improve it? No. Does it make sense that He would ask me to speak in front of a group of nearly 500 women about feeling weary, which is something I feel often? No.

None of it makes sense. Yet, it is real. This is what has happened to me. This is what my blog is about. It's about turning my fears upside down. It's the point where fear meets faith, and you have to decide what you're going to do. Which path you're going to take.

For so much of my life I have hidden behind my fear. Now, I am choosing to not only face it, but tackle it. Why here? Why now? I don't have the answers to those questions, but I know that it's a part of God's plan for me, for my life. Although I never could have imagined it, He had this moment written before I was even born. Here knew it would be here. He knew it would be now.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. 

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:16

A few weeks ago I was attending a training for work and one of my colleagues did something I've done many times before. When leaving the room, she pulled on the door, instead of pushing. It didn't budge. Then, she looked down and noticed what was written on the door...PUSH.

This makes me think of the story of Jonah. The man who ran the opposite direction of the place God was calling him to go. Even though it was for the purpose of transforming people, he pulled away.

For too many years, I was like my colleague...and like Jonah. I have been pulling away, trying to escape my fears instead of leaning into them. Even when the purpose was clear, when it was clearly written, I did the opposite. Instead of embracing the transformation of my fears, I was struggling against them. Finally, God got through to me. And, started turning my insecurities upside down. That is the story that I am telling here.

We press through the doubts and the fears and we trust because God is trustworthy, and he knows how life is best lived. The more we jump and see our God come alive around us, the more we jump without fear -- and the bigger the cliffs get. 

- Jennie Allen, Anything

Welcome to Peace it all Together - my messy, beautiful. The place where fear meets faith. And, weaknesses are transformed into strengths.

I'm excited to see what can happen. Will you join me in this journey?

I'm Telling You

Today, I need to tell you something that I don't really want to share. Because, once I put it out there I can't take it back. Once I tell you about it, I will be held accountable, to more than just God, my husband and a few trusted writer friends. All of you will know. All of you will expect. That, to me, is scary.

On Tuesday, I wrote about calling. About being in a place where your talents and burdens are brought together to create something beautiful for the glory of God.

I've been doing a lot of self examination lately, much of it encouraged by studying the book Restless, by Jennie Allen. This process has led me to understand that I have many burdens, which stem from my own history, both my highlights and sufferings.

One of my burdens is for women who feel disconnected, who are weary or anxious...because I have been, and some days still feel like, one of those women. Another burden I have is to provide encouragement to those who need it and intercede in prayer for those who may not feel comfortable speaking to God themselves...because I've been there too.

While God has called me to address these burdens in a variety of ways, there is one specific project that I want to share with you today.

"In each day the Lord gives us, let us be consumed with obedient pursuit instead of the perceived victory."

 Angie Smith, What Women Fear

I have spent years feeling afraid.

I have spent months reading about how other godly women have learned to balance fear and faith.

Now, it's time for me to write about how God has used my fear to transform me, in hopes of encouraging other women to take a step towards their own transformation.

A couple of months ago, I was driving to Bible study and God gave me a new vision. It was for a book/devotional project related to my own story of fear and what God's word has to say about it.

If your heart is willing and you want God's glory, and you give him these pieces of your life, something will happen.

Jennie Allen, Restless

So, my goal is to create a 30-day devotional study in the the area of fear and anxiety.

Because I believe that God is calling me to this, I'm going to fix my eyes on Jesus and step out onto the water, knowing that he will be there to catch me if I fall.

What do you think?

Calling

I LOVE this quote by Rebekah Lyons. It was only recently that I came to know her, after watching her speak at IF: GATHERING and reading her book, Freefall to Fly. Yet, I have been strangely impacted by her words, her story.
As I said here, I have been reading, watching and listening to so much lately. Hearing and reading these words  and those of so many other women, has made me realize that I am not alone. Even without a personal knowledge of me, it seems that they understand me and the way I have been feeling lately.
I don't know many people that speak my language. It is a language of the Holy Spirit. Of desire. Of burden. Of purpose.

I want to be used by God and it feels strange. Not because I don't think it is right, but because I don't know many people who understand that. Not that I don't know people who also want to be used. But, that I don't know many people who are so passionate about it. Who hunger and thirst for this opportunity. Who are afraid that they may miss it.

One of my daily challenges, during the 40-day Challenge through Overcome the Lie, was to ask, what is my purpose? What is this thing that I was created to do?

I had asked God this question before. The answers I got this time were even more confusing to me than the question. It's for me, He said. Choose me. I kept asking, how to do that. What are the specifics? Choose me, was all He would say.

Then, on day 24 of the challenge, when I asked, I got a different kind of answer. I started thinking about the opposite. Maybe I need to know what not choosing God looks like in my life. So, I began asking, When are the times when I am not choosing you? Point out those in me, so that I can change them.

That day, I asked for healing for the brokenness. For the feelings of being less than worthy and thoughts that I am not enough. I need to focus on my audience of one. Just God and me. No one else. That is the only way I will know my purpose. But, more importantly, that is the only way I will see the wicked and offensive that is in me.

I have been reading and re-reading Psalm 139. My goal is to memorize all 24 verses. I haven't tested myself yet, but I have been reading it every morning and every night.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139:23-24

I turned 39 last week. Is it too late for me to be thinking about my calling? Too late to start something new? I don't think so.
However, maybe it's not only about starting something new. But, about doing the same things, the same life, differently. My focus...
- Not worrying about being just like so-and-so, but about becoming a better version of myself.

- Being an encouragement, with an attitude of bringing glory to God and pointing people to the true encourager. The only one who can fill them.

- Writing on my heart, the words God gives me, not for the masses, but as a reminder to myself of his brilliance, so that others may see Him. Not doing for recognition or words of praise, but so that He sees me.

What do you think? Are you fulfilling your calling?