Calling

I LOVE this quote by Rebekah Lyons. It was only recently that I came to know her, after watching her speak at IF: GATHERING and reading her book, Freefall to Fly. Yet, I have been strangely impacted by her words, her story.
As I said here, I have been reading, watching and listening to so much lately. Hearing and reading these words  and those of so many other women, has made me realize that I am not alone. Even without a personal knowledge of me, it seems that they understand me and the way I have been feeling lately.
I don't know many people that speak my language. It is a language of the Holy Spirit. Of desire. Of burden. Of purpose.

I want to be used by God and it feels strange. Not because I don't think it is right, but because I don't know many people who understand that. Not that I don't know people who also want to be used. But, that I don't know many people who are so passionate about it. Who hunger and thirst for this opportunity. Who are afraid that they may miss it.

One of my daily challenges, during the 40-day Challenge through Overcome the Lie, was to ask, what is my purpose? What is this thing that I was created to do?

I had asked God this question before. The answers I got this time were even more confusing to me than the question. It's for me, He said. Choose me. I kept asking, how to do that. What are the specifics? Choose me, was all He would say.

Then, on day 24 of the challenge, when I asked, I got a different kind of answer. I started thinking about the opposite. Maybe I need to know what not choosing God looks like in my life. So, I began asking, When are the times when I am not choosing you? Point out those in me, so that I can change them.

That day, I asked for healing for the brokenness. For the feelings of being less than worthy and thoughts that I am not enough. I need to focus on my audience of one. Just God and me. No one else. That is the only way I will know my purpose. But, more importantly, that is the only way I will see the wicked and offensive that is in me.

I have been reading and re-reading Psalm 139. My goal is to memorize all 24 verses. I haven't tested myself yet, but I have been reading it every morning and every night.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139:23-24

I turned 39 last week. Is it too late for me to be thinking about my calling? Too late to start something new? I don't think so.
However, maybe it's not only about starting something new. But, about doing the same things, the same life, differently. My focus...
- Not worrying about being just like so-and-so, but about becoming a better version of myself.

- Being an encouragement, with an attitude of bringing glory to God and pointing people to the true encourager. The only one who can fill them.

- Writing on my heart, the words God gives me, not for the masses, but as a reminder to myself of his brilliance, so that others may see Him. Not doing for recognition or words of praise, but so that He sees me.

What do you think? Are you fulfilling your calling?