When Fear Meets Faith {My Messy Beautiful}

When I was a young girl, I was shy. Actually, that's an understatement. I was extremely shy. I barely spoke outside of my home, even though I was speaking in complete sentences by the time I was a year old. My poor mom got some strange looks when she told people I could talk. No one believed her, since they never heard me.

As I grew up, that shyness remained. Although I was still nervous around people, especially those I didn't know well, I was able to participate in school, have conversations and develop friendships.

Yet, the anxiety I had around social conversation, relationships and public speaking continued.

I have always thought too much about my spoken words. There are times when I say something in conversation, which I repeat over and over in my head, wondering if I should have said something else. Because of this, the written word has always been easier for me. I can cut and paste, delete what I don't like and edit for mistakes.

I'm not sure when things started to change. But, I know that they have. Am I still anxious? Yes. Do I have many fears? Yes. Does my entire body shake when I have to speak in front of a group? Yes. Yet, in spite of all of that, I have been able accomplish so much more than I ever thought possible in this area of my life.

It's like God has turned this fear upside down. He has turned it into faith. Does it make sense that if I have a poor self image, posting photos of myself online or on social media would improve it? No. Does it make sense that He would ask me to speak in front of a group of nearly 500 women about feeling weary, which is something I feel often? No.

None of it makes sense. Yet, it is real. This is what has happened to me. This is what my blog is about. It's about turning my fears upside down. It's the point where fear meets faith, and you have to decide what you're going to do. Which path you're going to take.

For so much of my life I have hidden behind my fear. Now, I am choosing to not only face it, but tackle it. Why here? Why now? I don't have the answers to those questions, but I know that it's a part of God's plan for me, for my life. Although I never could have imagined it, He had this moment written before I was even born. Here knew it would be here. He knew it would be now.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. 

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:16

A few weeks ago I was attending a training for work and one of my colleagues did something I've done many times before. When leaving the room, she pulled on the door, instead of pushing. It didn't budge. Then, she looked down and noticed what was written on the door...PUSH.

This makes me think of the story of Jonah. The man who ran the opposite direction of the place God was calling him to go. Even though it was for the purpose of transforming people, he pulled away.

For too many years, I was like my colleague...and like Jonah. I have been pulling away, trying to escape my fears instead of leaning into them. Even when the purpose was clear, when it was clearly written, I did the opposite. Instead of embracing the transformation of my fears, I was struggling against them. Finally, God got through to me. And, started turning my insecurities upside down. That is the story that I am telling here.

We press through the doubts and the fears and we trust because God is trustworthy, and he knows how life is best lived. The more we jump and see our God come alive around us, the more we jump without fear -- and the bigger the cliffs get. 

- Jennie Allen, Anything

Welcome to Peace it all Together - my messy, beautiful. The place where fear meets faith. And, weaknesses are transformed into strengths.

I'm excited to see what can happen. Will you join me in this journey?