Mirror, Mirror

Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror everyday and hate what you see? I do. Every day I fight with my negative inner voice, the one I believe comes from Satan. Every time I look in the mirror he reminds me of my physical imperfections. He shares his thoughts on my hair, face, body, weight, and much more. I go into battle daily, and sometimes it's just exhausting.

I have struggled with with body image for as long as I can remember. Even as a young girl, I remember crying about my hair...why it couldn't be like everybody else's. I would pray to God most nights, that if He could make my hair straight while I slept, I would be so grateful. I would do anything. But, every morning I would wake up, and my hair would be the same. I would be the same.

In high school and college, I struggled with food. Partly because I experienced an undiagnosed physical condition, which appeared to be related to stress, that caused horrible stomach aches and dizziness. I began not eating. And, kept not eating. It felt better, but not good enough.

My husband tells me daily that I am beautiful. I struggle to believe him. I trust that it is what he thinks, but I don't believe it to be true.

When I was pregnant with each of my children, I worried, which I don't think is uncommon. However, one of the things I worried about was that my children wouldn't love me. Not because I feared being a bad mother, but because I was afraid they would look and me and not fall in love. Is that crazy?

I have always hated looking at photos of myself. It is not difficult for me to look at a photo and find my imperfections. Awkward stance. Goofy expression. Too much chin skin. Because of this, I frequently avoided being in photos.

Then, what do I do? I go and start a blog. I put myself on the Internet. On Instagram. Not only do I put my writing, my thoughts, out there for everyone to see, but I put my photos too. What was I thinking?

Honestly, I don't think I was. It was God who was thinking for me. It was His voice that prompted me to start writing again. It was part of His plan for my life to have this space to share...everything. Didn't He know how hard it would be for me to look at my photos - on the Internet! - everyday? I think He did. And, I think that's one of the reasons why He did it. Because, he knew it would be hard.

For day 27 of the scripture challenge, I posted this verse:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. 

- Psalms 139:23, 24 (NLT)

God has searched me, tested me and led me through this blog. He continues to ask me to do hard things. I have done so much more than I could have ever imagined here. And, I am excited to do more. Even if that means more photos, more exposure of my perceived flaws and imperfections.

When I look into the mirror each day, I try to see the creation of God. The person that was created in His image, who is fearfully and wonderfully made. His masterpiece. It is not easy. But, I will continue to fight the devil. I want him to be worried about me.

SOURCE

From Psalms {Scripture Challenge}

This and That

It's Monday. The first one in the past three weeks that I have had to go to work. I was really getting used to having longer weekends! Even though we only had two days off this weekend, we managed to get a lot done and have a little fun, too. Here's a little glimpse into our weekend...

Friday night was our elementary school's father/daughter dance. M took the girls. Don't they look adorable?

On Saturday, I hosted a Jewel Kade (just love this jewelry...thinking about selling it...like I need one more thing to do) party in the afternoon, which means that I spent the morning cleaning the house. I also decided it was time to bring my mantle into spring. I don't typically change my mantle for the seasons, but I hadn't done anything with it since I took down my Christmas stockings and decorations, so it was looking pretty bare.

I scoured my cupboards and closets for spring-like decor. I also went through each room in the house, searching for items I could use for the mantle. And, added some fresh flowers. Here's what I came up with...

Saturday night was family movie night. The girls chose Monsters, Inc. and Chinese food. Nothing beats dinner and a movie, picnic style, in the living room.

Also, gave O a haircut on Saturday night. He was well overdue for a cut, but we had been putting it off because of our crazy schedule the past two weeks, in addition to him being sick. O tolerates having his haircut now, but it still makes him very uncomfortable. It takes two of us, the proper technology and just the right amount of protective layers (aka towels) to get him through without incident.

I snapped this photo of him following his post-haircut bath. He was all smiles, then.

After church on Sunday, my husband graciously took the dreaded weekly visit to the grocery store off my hands. As a result, this was my view for the afternoon and much of the evening. 

I sat, on the couch, with my laptop, trying to entertain a four-year old boy, while attempting to prepare blog posts, write evaluation reports and record data for reading assessments. 

Another weekend ends and another week begins... 

LINKING UP WITH 

My One Thing

To say that this week has been busy would be a serious understatement. Work has been insane during standard work hours, which means that I have been forced to bring work home with me each night. This is something I usually try to avoid because it means that after the kids are in bed, when I would really like to curl up on the couch with my hubby, drink some tea and watch some mindless TV, I have to bring out my laptop and write reports for several hours.
Consequently, when I opened the draft of this post (which would usually be a high five post, since tomorrow is Friday), I could think of not one highlight of this week. I looked through my Insta-photos and found nothing of value. Only photos of my daily traffic jam and the verses I have already shared for the scripture challenge.
Then, I remembered. My Birchbox. It had come Wednesday night, but I hadn't had time to open it. I immediately ran to my bedroom (okay, I really didn't run...the kids were asleep, after all), opened my box and took some photos. 

This was the first Birchbox I had received since subscribing. I will admit, I was a little disappointed when I saw the size of the box. From all the photos I'd seen, I expected it to be bigger. Just proves how deceiving photos can be.

The theme for February's box is Red Carpet Ready. While I won't be attending any red carpet events this year (or likely any year), I was excited to see what I would need in order to be ready for such an event, just in case. My favorites among the box...a new nail polish and a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate! I tried the Juicy Couture scent, even though I don't usually wear perfume. It was a little strong for me, but I know one of my sisters will love it. 
Having my Birchbox to open did brighten my week. I am excited to sample these new products, even if I'll only be using them on my dingy, white carpet.
What was the highlight of your week?

Forgive Me

Today's word for the scripture challenge is forgiveness. That is a huge topic. With all that has been going on in my work and family, lately, I didn't feel prepared to tackle the topic of forgiveness in a single post. 

But, since I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately, and feeling guilty about not giving 100 percent to every area of my life, I decided to link up with "It's Okay" Thursday, as a way offering myself a little forgiveness.

It's okay that...

...it has been well over a month since I have done exercise of any kind.
...we ate the same meal for dinner three nights in a row.
...my attempt at dinner last night was a semi-failure. While the meat was cooked the potatoes and carrots were still raw.
...I have not started working on O's selective eating, even though I wrote a post in September about how I was ready to get started.
...I am putting off asking for sponsors on my blog because I'm worried that no one will be interested.
...I have still not created a Twitter account.
...I am having a get-together at my house on Saturday and I have not thought about the menu or had time to clean my house.
...my favorite pair of black boots are falling apart.
...I am participating in a least five giveaways in the three weeks, four within this week alone. Two have posted so far, here and here. Two more coming soon.
...only 25 percent of my Facebook followers ever see my posts.
...I have two books waiting to be read, but I can't seem to find time to finish the one I am currently reading.

Give yourself a break today, too. Because...it's okay.

Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all. - Psalms 65:3 (NLT)

LINKING UP WITH

Inspired to Shine {Plus: Award and Giveaway}

Inspiration. It is what I desire to be. It is the vision that I have for this space...to motivate, encourage and enlighten. So, when I read a post by Claudia at Lashes and Beard this past weekend, about blogs that inspire her, I was honored to see my name among her list. It felt good to know that what I write reaches people, that it encourages and inspires.

Part of receiving Very Inspiring Blogger Award, is to acknowledge the person that awarded you (Claudia is the best! Read her blog. Check out her adorable son, Isaiah.), to write seven facts about yourself, and award seven other bloggers.

Since I wanted to keep this post about inspiration and encouragement, I have decided to share seven facts, related to what inspires me. Included in this list will be the seven other blogs that I consider a must-read when it comes to being inspired.

When I first started blogging, I didn't think about where my ideas would come from. As I posted more and more, my husband asked me if I was worried that I would run out of posts. Since he knew that I had many posts in draft form, he thought I should save some, just in case. I have never worried about where my posts would come from. They just appear, in my head and at my fingertips. For that, I am grateful.

My inspiration comes...

Through music. I love music. I often hear songs and am inspired on a certain topic or by the story of the artist. I have shared my favorite songs in many blog posts, because I feel they explain so much of what I am thinking and feeling.

In the shower. My inspiration often comes to me in the most awkward times and places. In situations where I have no access to pens, paper, or my iPad. Like, in the shower or in the car. Maybe it's because these are the times when I am separated from everything, and can think, without distraction or interruption.

My family. I am often inspired to write about my kids. Their struggles, the silly things they do, and how important they are to me. Likewise, my husband inspires me daily, by encouraging me and helping me see which boundaries need pushing and where I need to let go.

The Bible. This month I have been participating in the 30-day scripture challenge. Looking into God's word everyday for a scripture passage related to that day's theme has inspired many of my posts this month. Today's challenge word is inspirational. Here is the verse I chose, because it inspires me to put one foot in front of the other, every day, despite my circumstances:

"I have told you this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

- John 16:33

Time in prayer. It is through prayer that I am able to listen. Through my conversations with God, I can ask for many things, share my desire to inspire, and He provides me with so many ideas. It's His voice that I have shared in so many of my posts. I am merely a tool for His message.

From others. I read a variety of blogs, each for different reasons. There are several blogs that I always read when a new post appears. It is because they inspire and challenge me. Here are just a few (it was really hard to choose!) of my favorites:

This Little Life of Mine
Life with Joys

Taking the Plunge

Beauty in Weakness

Girls of God's Heart

Free and Holy

Number 7. The seventh blog that I consider a must read is The Shine Project. What first led me to this organization was this bracelet...

I purchased it because of what it said, be the change, which is part of one of my favorite quotes. Then, I read their purpose... to inspire you to live the highest quality of life obtainable, and to motivate you to join our efforts in making this world a better place. On the blog Ashley shares stories of how she is showing love to others and making a difference, in small, yet impactful ways.

It is because of these things that I decided to sponsor The Shine Project blog this month. As a result, I am privileged to be a part of an awesome giveaway.

Check out their site. Enter the giveaway. You won't be disappointed.

What inspires you? I would love to know.

Vacation. Yes or No?

If I asked you if you wanted to take a vacation, what would you say? I imagine most of you would not hesitate to say, "yes" to the idea of visiting a new place or returning to one of your favorite destinations.

I am not like most people. The word vacation does not automatically bring me feelings of euphoria or excitement.

Lately, my husband has been working hard to convince me that we need a vacation. I have been avoiding having any real conversations on this topic or making any plans, hoping that he will just forget. He has not. The other night at dinner, after the kids had left the table, he brought it up again, this need for a vacation. And, not just one vacation, but at least four.

SAN DIEGO 2011. OUR LAST "BIG" FAMILY VACATION.

He wants a vacation for the two of us. He wants to nail down plans for our upcoming trip to Disneyland. He wants to talk about summer vacation, and where we should go. He wants to talk about our next big vacation, as a couple and as a family.

SAN DIEGO ZOO. SUMMER 2011. FEEDING AN OTTER TO THE LION.

Here's how the conversation started...
M: We need to go on more vacations.
Me: We go places.
M: Where?
Me: {silence} Ok, so we don't go that many places.

Which, honestly, is fine with me. I have always been more of a home-body. Even as a kid, I wasn't that interested in staying overnight with friends. I didn't like be away from home. I mean, what if something happened? What if I got sick? It wasn't comfortable for me to go, so I didn't do it much.

OUR LAST WEEKEND AWAY. APRIL 2012. HALF MOON BAY.

That desire to be home has stayed with me into adulthood and has been intensified since having kids. It's not that I don't want to leave them, or can't stand the thought of being away from them. It's about all that could happen while I'm gone. It's about the planning...making sure that everything is prepared for them to have a successful time while we're away.

THE GIRLS, DRINKING WHO KNOWS WHAT. LOVE THOSE SMILES.

Then, there's planning for a trip with the kids. There is just so much to do, so much to prepare when taking three kids away from home for several days. This need for preparation is even more important for O. Unless we want to eat McDonald's for our entire vacation, there's the need to prepare and store his food. Not to mention all the other things we might need, that are not available just anywhere.

I started writing this post in hopes of convincing myself that I need to be more open to vacations. That the benefits outweigh the struggles. I'm not doing such a good job, so far.

O, MAKING HUGE PROGRESS - PLAYING IN THE SAND!

Time to turn it around.

Take a look a my top five reasons why vacations are good, and not evil:
1. A vacation with my spouse gets us away from the craziness of work and parenting and helps us focus on each other.
2. On a vacation, we get to visit some of our favorite places. The places where memories are made.
3. New places mean exposing our kids to new experiences, which for O can also mean new challenges. These are the things that help us grow.
4. Family time is important, especially when it can be done away from all the responsibilities of home, like chores, homework, cheer and choir practice, school, etc.
5. I don't have to cook, which has become one of the things that I am least motivated to do lately. No cooking also mean no dishes. This is the best reason yet!

What do you find appealing about vacations? I need some motivation. Please.

LINKING UP WITH

What Can I Do?

In early November I wrote a post about my struggle with feelings of inadequacy. These feelings were based on my inability to live up to others' expectations of me and even those that I had placed on myself. But, what about God? What does He expect of me? What can I do to be good enough for Him?

The simple answer is...nothing. There is nothing we can do that will make us good enough for God. Isn't that wonderful? He loves us, seeks us and calls out to us, despite our brokenness. Maybe, even because of it.

So, why do anything? We should do, not because it gets us in better favor with God, but because we love Him and we want to share that love with others.

"Good works should come from our thankfulness for salvation and love for Jesus, 
not as a way to get around what He did for us." She Reads Truth

As I read through the book of Genesis last month, as part of my one year plan to read the entire Bible, I was amazed at the story of Noah. How incredible that God had found enough favor with him to spare his entire family, despite destroying the remainder the world. 

My insecurities led me to this question, "Would God find enough favor with me, as He did with Noah, to spare me and my family from destruction?" Then, I thought...He did spare me. He sent His son to die in my place. Now, that's true love.

... I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ...

SCRIPTURE CHALLENGE:  FAITH

God's love comes without conditions. There is nothing I could ever do to earn it. Likewise, once I have accepted it, there is nothing I could ever do to lose it.

To some this may be scary, or even unbelievable. To me, someone who is always trying to properly meet every expectation, my own or otherwise, this is a relief.

Rest in that today. Accept it. Bask in the knowledge that in God's love, power, and perfect grace, you are good enough...without doing anything.

Lobsters in Love

In November, I wrote about M and I celebrating the 18th anniversary of our first date. If you're good at math, you have already figured out that we started dating in 1994, which was the height of Friends popularity.

(Disclaimer:  If you are around my age and a Friends fan, you will totally get this post. If you are not either of the above, just bear with me. We will get to a singing, dancing lobster soon. It will be worth it.)

M and I watched Friends together...a lot. In fact, thanks to Nick at Night, we still do. What I didn't realize until recently is how many things we still say and do in our relationship that came from Friends.

In early December was M's birthday. On that day, I wrote this as my Facebook status:

Happy Birthday to my very own lobster. Forever, claw in claw! Love you!!

With it, I posted a link to a video, similar to this one, in which Phoebe explains her Lobster Theory to Ross. At the end of this episode, Ross and Rachel finally get together (for the first time) and Phoebe exclaims, "He's her lobster!"

Then, last month, I got a Facebook message from a friend, telling me that there was an animated, stuffed lobster at Walgreens that I had to see. After searching three different Walgreens, I finally found it.

Even though M and I don't usually do Valentine's gifts, this seemed like the perfect one for him! While this is not the most romantic gift I have ever bought, I knew it would make him smile. Just like when he brought home my Sheldon Cooper bobble head doll just before Christmas. Smile. Or, when I bought him a Greatest American Hero shirt for Father's Day one year. Smile. Here's a little video I took of our new addition...the singing, dancing lobster.

Today's scripture challenge word theme is all time favorite. Not only is this verse one of my favorites, but I remember having it highlighted in my Student Bible, years ago.

When M and I first started dating, and were in that giddy faze, one of us (usually me) would just start giggling. When asked, what was funny, our response was always, "I just smiled and a laugh came out." Oh, to be so full of joy, to have such a cheerful heart, that when you smile, you can't help but laugh. Love and laughter go together. At least they do for M and I. 

How about for you? Do you think the ability to laugh together in love is important?

P.S. For more of my thoughts on how to maintain a cheerful heart, see my guest post this morning on Confessions of a Busy, Busy Bee. 

Linking up with Morgan for Saturday Morning Coffee!

{High 5 for Friday}

{scripture challenge:  New Testament}

His power works best in our weakness!

Boasting about my weaknesses this week.

{my first Julep box:  Classic, with a Twist}

Tried the cuticle oil. It is amazing!

Take your own style quiz here.

{what I gave my man for Valentine's Day}

Just a sneak peek. New post tomorrow.

A guaranteed laugh.

{artist in the making}

A's artwork on display.

Team Work Makes the Dream Work

{red velvet, peppermint brownies}

Original recipe here. I added peppermint.

And, a little ice cream. Yum!

How Well Does He Know Me? {Valentine's Day Link Up}

When I found this link up last week, I knew M and I had to participate. If for no other reason than to redeem ourselves.

You see, at the beginning of the month we attended a party with some friends where we played a Newlywed Game-style game. The men and women were separated and asked questions. Then we came back together as a group, to see if our answers matched our spouse's.

M and I matched five out of eight questions. That's 62.5%. That's a D.

When I looked at the questions, posted at The Life of a Not so Ordinary Wife, I knew hoped we could improve our score. Check out our answers below...green denotes a match, red means there is room for improvement.

How long have you been married?

Me:  12 years

M: Sybil will say 12 years, which is technically right. But I like to round up...and since it's now been more than 12 1/2 years, I round up to 13 years.

Where was your first date? 

Me:  The movies. We saw The Santa Clause
M:  Movie theater -- we saw "the Santa Clause"

Where was your first kiss?

Me:  At my parents' house.

M:  At Sybil's parents' house

Who first said, "I love you"?

Me:  I can't remember. I think it was me.

M:  I did.

What were your wedding colors?

Me:  Gold and cream

M:  Gold, black/white

What is her most commonly used phrase?

Me:  "Shocking!"

M:   "Really??"

Who is her celebrity crush?

Me:  Matthew McConaughey M:  When she was young it was Ralph Macchio, then Dean Cain. But in the past few years I'd say Matthew McConaughey
If she was ordering drinks for both of you what would you each get?

Me:  Diet Coke, for both of us.

M:  Diet Coke
What is the best meal she has ever cooked you?

Me:  He loves when I make chicken enchilada casserole

M:  My favorite is when she makes chicken enchilada casserole

What is the worst meal she has ever cooked you?

Me:  I tried to make him fettuccine alfredo once. It was awful.

M:  Chicken fettuccine -- when we were dating
What would she say is your most annoying habit?

Me:  Leaving his clothes all over the bedroom.

M:  I have many annoying habits -- I'd say leaving my clothes laying around the bedroom

If you could throw out one item of her clothing what would it be?

Me:  My black pants with the holes in the rear end.

M:  Her black pants with the holes.

What would you say is your favorite thing about her?

Me:  My eyes.

M:  I love her passion and the way that she has opened herself up in order to reach others.
What's her go-to drink at Starbucks? Me:  Either Iced Green Tea or a Caramel Frappuccino Lite. I can never choose.

M: Green tea 

What's her blog name?

Me:  Peace it all Together

M: Peace It All Together
Final score...80%. That's a B. Yay!
You can see I gave him credit for the wedding colors. I didn't really expect him to say, "cream," so I figured white was close enough. And, for the Starbucks drink...why should he lose points because I'm fickle?
Out of all of M's answers, only one truly surprised me (not in an I'm shocked sort of way, but in an awww, that's so sweet kinda way). I honestly thought he would choose something physical as his favorite thing about me. I was amazed by his answer. I am blessed daily by this man. 
Thanks for stopping by to see how well he knows me. Happy Valentine's Day!