Working to Love

The clanking sounds of pots and pans. The smell of garlic. As a kid, this is what I often woke up to - at 4:00 am - when visiting my grandparents.

This past weekend, my parents traveled over 750 miles to see my grandmother, my dad's mom. She is my last living grandparent. But, the end of her life is imminent. She was recently put under hospice care and my parents went to see her one last time.

Over the weekend, I received text messages from my mom. Each time I was saddened by my grandmother's current state. She is no longer the grandma I remember.

Growing up, my grandparents lived about four hours away from us. We visited. They visited. But, I never had the relationship with them that I did with my mother's parents, who lived in the same town. As I reflected on this this weekend, I struggled to remember a time when I said the words, "I love you" to my grandma or when she said them to me.

What I discovered, through my own thoughts, was that my grandma didn't often use words to show her love. Her love came through her actions.

Like any good Italian, my grandma was always cooking and baking. She made pasta, meatballs, sausage, and more. She baked dozens of cookies. While the running joke was always about how my grandma rationed our food - only two meatballs per person - she put her love into her food. She enjoyed cooking for us. I remember each time we would visit and each care package we received, our favorite cookies were always included. She knew our favorites and made sure we had them.

My grandma started dinner at 4:00 am. At this time in my life, when I don't cook a meal unless I can get it done in less than 30 minutes, I still don't understand why it took so long for her to cook. But, she put her love into the work of preparing her food. It was what she enjoyed doing, for us.

As she got older and lost her sight, she couldn't do those things anymore. We all knew that this would make her crazy, not to be able to bake and cook. But, it wasn't until recently that I realized why it might have been so hard for her. It was not just because she couldn't be active anymore, but because her actions were her love.

When I was a kid, I have few memories of my grandma sitting. She was always doing something. And, consequently, always wanted us to do something. Over the years, though, as her sight declined, my grandma began to talk more. To just sit and share stories of her memories. I was amazed at how much she had to say.

I guess I'm like my grandma in many ways. While I don't share her love for cooking and baking, I do share her passion for showing love through actions. I enjoy buying gifts and sending notes to people. When I have people to my house, I rarely sit until the meal is through. 

This makes me think of the story of Mary and Martha in the book of Luke. Martha is often looked upon negatively because she is working too hard. She doesn't sit at the feet of Jesus and simply enjoy his presence, as her sister Mary does. But, I think they were both showing how much they loved Jesus,  in their own way.

While I am learning to appreciate the moments of stillness, I think I will always be more inclined to show my love by preparing, working and giving. Thanks to my grandma for modeling this so well for me.

I love you, grandma and will miss you.

Wife after God {Review}

I recently completed the Wife after God devotional, by Jennifer Smith. If you read this post or this post, you got a glimpse of how much I enjoyed this book and how much I learned in the 30-day devotional period.
I am not a blogger who does regular reviews of products. Actually, I think this is my first one. However, when the author of this devotional asked for bloggers who would be willing to write a review on the book, I felt it was something I had to do. After all, I had already purchased my own copy of the book and was nearing the end of the 30-days. It seemed only natural for me to share my opinion with you, in hopes that you may benefit from the book as well. 
This book is not a typical marriage devotional, which is one reason I loved it so much. The focus of the book is about how nurturing and developing a relationship with God leads to fulfilling marriage relationship. There wasn't a list of things to do or ways to change, there was no checklist or surveys. While I believe there is a place for those types of things, that is not what I needed.
What I needed was to focus on me...and developing a deeper, more intimate relationship with my creator. 
Marriage is an opportunity to bring glory to God as you reflect His love story. (p.15)
That is what Wife after God offered me. It gave me thirty days of instruction and challenges and a countless number of scripture references related to seeking the one who first loved me. Out of this came an understanding of how to love, not only myself, but my husband, too.
I don't believe that there is a  magic fix for a broken marriage or recipe for a perfect one. This book doesn't claim to offer that. It offers so much more.

 


If you are interested in purchasing a copy of this book, click here. 

Amazed

This week has been amazing. Exhausting, but amazing. 
O has not only survived, but has thrived in his first week of kindergarten.
I have felt so blessed by the prayers, messages, comments, etc. from so many people, who know O's story and how hard he has worked and the struggles he had experienced in his five years of life. 

A NOTE AND PRAYER FROM A FRIEND

Each time I try and talk about how proud I am or how blessed I feel, I cry. I even started crying when I composed an email that I sent to O's teacher, thanking her for her support and the way she has welcomed him into her classroom with open arms.
In the past four years, since first beginning the journey of O's evaluations and therapies, I have been working and pushing for him. To see him grow and progress. Now that I think about it, I never had an end goal in mind. I never said, "If I could just get him to...then I'll be satisfied." We just kept going. Achieve one milestone, move onto the next one. Some days were filled with anxiety, confusion, exhaustion, and were seemingly futile. 
This week has made all of that worth it. Because it pushed me to push him, to make plans and prepare. I did everything I could because...well, how could I not.
Last night, I told O that I was proud of him. He said, "For kindergarten?" Yes, buddy. For that, and so much more.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'! - Audrey Hepburn

The First Day

We can't hide from fear. We can't ignore it.

When O said, "I'm scared of kindergarten," as we pulled into the school parking lot, it would have been easy to say, "don't be scared" or "you'll be fine." But, he will be scared and he might not feel fine.

So, instead we prayed. My rock of a husband led the family in a back to school prayer.

All morning I had been struggling with words. If you saw my post from yesterday, you'll know that my words were gone. I was relying on others to speak for me. I was listening to God, though.

He kept saying, "I will be with him. I will be with him." Each time I would begin to worry, I heard those words.

I also could not get the the lyrics to this song out of my head. God will go before me. He has the whole word in His hands. He is faithful. I will hold on to His promises.

All along O has been scared. I have been scared.

What I've been learning is that being scared is okay. Even if our fears remain, God will be there to pick us up, to help us breathe, to bring us through.
Pretending not to be afraid doesn't work. You can't combat fear without acknowledging it.
When I asked O, after school, if there was anything at kindergarten that scared him, he said, "No." For that, I am grateful. Yet, I know that our time of fear and stress is not over. Each day there is the potential for fear. Whether it comes through a visit to the cafeteria or a fire drill. Or, even on the playground.
O and I talked about recess. He said that he played hide-n-seek with a little girl. This is a game he plays frequently with his sisters. I was grateful that he had found a friend, even for today. When I asked him if he went on the slide he said, "No. There were too many people. They could have bumped me. That hurts." Even though it saddened me that my boy couldn't choose the slide today, I am grateful that he could make that choice and he knows why he made it.
His awareness of his differences and needs is improving. With our help, he has come to understand a little bit about what he feels and why. That knowledge enables him to make choices that offer comfort and help him to feel more in control. Isn't that what we are supposed to do as we get older? Make choices.

I don't want any of my kids to think that they can't feel a certain way. It's okay to be sad, mad, scared, excited, etc. None of these feelings is bad or wrong. Ultimately, it's our ability to recognize and cope with those feelings that really matters. That's what I want O to know. 
One of the things I am most proud of is that O is beginning to recognize his body's sensory needs. While he can't articulate it in those terms, yet, he is using the strategies we have introduced over the past several years to help himself feel better. He is bouncing more, drinking from his special water bottle, asking for tight hugs, wearing his heavy backpack around the house, and so much more.
When we picked O up at school this afternoon, he ran out, breathed a huge sigh of relief and gave me the biggest hug. He had made it through day one.
I feel relieved, yet anxious...about day two and so on. But, I must let it go. 
I have and will continue to do all I know how to make O's transition into kindergarten a success, whatever that may look like for him. Yet, I know that when we drop him off each day, God will go before O, stand beside O, and hold O in His hand. That should be all the comfort I need.
Thanks so much for all of your prayers! 

No Words

It's here. The first day of school. 
Last night, I thought of writing, but had no words. 
I thought of praying, but could not think of anything else to say. 
I had said it all. 
I had prayed every prayer. 
None of it would change the fact that school would start today.
I received several messages from friends last night. They were praying for me and for O on what would be his first day of kindergarten. I felt so grateful for these prayers, because I didn't have any left.

In this post, I wrote of O's early life. Of a time, when I couldn't pray. When it seemed too hard to even go to God. It just hurt too much. At that time, I was also grateful for the prayers of my friends and family. I know that God was sustaining me during that time. Not because of me, but because of Him, and because of the pleas of my friends and family to Him.

I'm not sure what this day will hold. But, I read this verse in my devotion this morning...

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. 

But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 

Romans 8:26 (NLT)

Seems appropriate, doesn't it?

When I am weak, He is strong. 
When, I feel like I can do no more, He takes care of the rest.

location, location, location

OUR FIRST HOME - SACRAMENTO, CA

M and I had a conversation with a pastor once about whether or not God really cares where we live. If it matters to God if I live in California or Oklahoma. After all, God's work can be done anywhere. We can love our neighbors no matter where we live. Right?
When we were making the decision whether to leave Sacramento and return to our hometown, to where our family lived, I thought about this often. I loved my job and did not want to leave my current employer and coworkers. It was this idea, that I could fulfill my life's work anywhere, that helped make the transition easier.


What I have begun to realize, though, is that it does matter. While it's true that I can live and love anywhere, I can only fulfill God's purpose for this time in my life exactly where I am now. He needs and wants me here, for a reason.

In fact, I can think of many things that would not have happened had we stayed in Sacramento.

In my weekly Bible study, we have been looking intently at the book of Esther. Perhaps the most well known verse in the book of Esther is this one:

"...Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

Esther 4:14b (NLT)

During the week that we studied this verse, we were asked to think of God's divine purpose for our life. 
For Esther, her living situation, her status as queen and her life's history, were divinely relevant for that time, that event. Who she was and where she lived did matter. Without it, she would have had no influence or power to make change or to fulfill her God-designed destiny.

What if we thought about every decision with our divine destiny in mind? Would it change how we live or the choices we make? Just something to think about.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

32 Hours

This weekend, my husband and I were able to get away for 32 hours. 
Our journey began Friday, around noon. We took a shortish drive to San Francisco. After about three hours we were driving across the Bay Bridge. 

Our hotel was amazing, although it was located in the midst of heavy road construction. We ended up with a bay view room, right across from the Port of San Francisco building.

After we checked into our hotel and got changed (it was about 20 degrees cooler in SF than it had been at home), we took a walk along the pier. Our first purchase...a loaf of sourdough bread.

We had a wonderful dinner out Friday night. Unfortunately, I have no photos from the restaurant or of the food. But, I did get a photo of both M and I dressed up for dinner. I will be sharing more about this date night outfit on Wednesday.

We ended the evening with this delicious dessert. Ghirardelli Lava cake, with vanilla bean ice cream. Yum!

Saturday was game day. We spent the afternoon watching the Giants play the Orioles at AT&T Park. It was a great game! I even got a few action shots of the players with my phone.

It was such a blessing to be able to take some time, even if it was only 32 hours, to focus solely on my guy and I.

Hope you had blessed weekend, too!

Makes Me Smile

This week has been...full. With refrigerator woes, playing referee between three cranky children, big changes for O at church, back to school shopping and preparing for a weekend getaway, it has been a busy and somewhat stressful week.
After a week like this one, I really needed a high five post. I needed a way to reflect on the positive. To identify at least five things that made me smile this week.

1. The Bible. I love starting the week with Bible study. This week was particularly special because one of the ladies presented each of us with a passage of scripture. A verse or verses that had been given to her by God for us specifically. My verses were Galatians 6:9-10:
So let's not get tired of going what is good. At just the right time we will reap the harvest of blessing if we don't give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone - especially to those in the family of faith.
2. My new watch. It is exactly what I was looking for, and for only $10, it was even more perfect! If you haven't yet checked out groopdealz, you should.
3. This boy. It was a rough Sunday for him and I, and more changes are to come, but his smile...
4. M & M's. Sometimes, it's the little things. Especially when those little things are made of chocolate.
5. Getaway. I am looking forward to a night away with my hubby in San Francisco this weekend. We leave this morning. Shopping. Baseball. Yummy eats. Just the two of us. 
Bonus 6. Guest Post. Today, I am guest posting on Wifessionals as part of her Preparing for a Little One series. My post focuses on getting ready for and bringing home a sibling. So excited to be a part of it!
Hope you're week was filled with something that made you smile!

Don't Let Go

Over the past month or so God has been speaking to me about marriage. But, not simply marriage, the roles of wives and husbands, as well.

It seems like it all began sometime around the beginning of July. I first wrote a post, in honor of my 13th wedding anniversary, and shared my and M's love story. Not long after, I began hearing of people close to me having trouble with their marriage.

Then, I was presented with two opportunities. The first, to participate in a 30-day devotional, in which the focus was to discover how to be a wife that seeks after God. The second, being a part of a monthly link up, which sets up accountability for wives and girlfriends, as they develop goals for themselves and their relationships. Today is the first day of that new link up, hosted by Amberly and Kalyn.

I am now on day 23 of the 30-day Wife after God devotional, by Jennifer Smith, and have realized the overwhelming importance of being intentional in my marriage. For me, part of being intentional is setting goals. And, if I go back and look at the roots of this blog, I find that setting goals was one of the reasons I began writing here.

While there are many quotes from Wife after God that I could share, the two that have stuck with me are these:

Although the love between a husband and wife is powerful, marriage will always be vulnerable and fragile. 

Marriage is vulnerable because it is an intimate union between two sinners. 

If we let things go in any area of our life, we are bound to have trouble. If we let go of healthier eating and/or exercise, we are destined to gain weight or, at least, as one friend put it, end up "a little more squishy" than we desire. If we stop being intentional about our duties at work, we are bound to miss deadlines, which may impact our effectiveness.
The same is true in marriage. If we just let it go, if we simply go through the motions of each day or each life experience, without being intentional about our thoughts, attitudes and actions, our beautiful, yet vulnerable union is destined for trouble.
As I was writing this post, O came in the room and asked me to help him make a tunnel with two empty toilet paper rolls. He brought with him a roll of double-sided tape and asked if it was the right kind of tape to make a tunnel. I knew it wouldn't work, because not only would it stick to the toilet paper rolls, but to anything else it came in contact with, pulling at the place where the two parts of the tunnel were joined.
We cannot put our marriages together with double-sided tape. If we do, we are opening ourselves up to the possibility that we might cling to something else, other than our spouse. We must be able to let go of the world, while staying stuck to God and each other. But, how can we do this?

My goal for August is simple. Prayer. 
I am committed to pray for myself, as I continue to seek God. For my husband, that he would be protected by and draw closer to God. For our marriage, that it would be focused on God and what He has planned for us.

It is my desire to be intentional about protecting my marriage. This month, I intend to do that through prayer. I hope you will join me.

The end. The beginning. The in between.

This week marked a few milestones in our summer. Plus, it is now August, which means that "getting ready for school/work" mode has officially begun. I am looking forward to my new work schedule and am anxious to get started with our new routines.

1...So far, we have purchased O's backpack and lunchbox for kindergarten. He was excited to choose his own. Target's selection of character backpacks was limited. Fortunately, they had one of his favorites...Angry Birds.

2...My oldest daughter closed her play this week. I am planning to do an entire post on my first experience as a stage mom, but am waiting until I get the official production photos. We were only allowed to take photos in the lobby after each performance. I realized after that I got a photo of her with everyone except M or me. Oh well! The above photo is A and my mom.

3...O and I changed his calendar and reviewed all the big changes that will be happening in August. New classes at church, starting kindergarten, and brushing his teeth two times every day. (Not sure if I've ever posted about his teeth-brushing battles, but they were huge. Brushing two times a day, with only minimal supervision is progress!)

4...The girls spent some time with my mom this week, which left O and I some mommy/son time. One morning this week, I walked (or ran, depending on his speed) while O rode his bike. Exercise for me, fun for him.

5...Even though the temps have cooled a bit this week, meaning they are now in the high 90's, the kids still enjoy spending time in the water. My parents have a small pool, which suits them just fine.

How did you spend your week?

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