When Everything is Okay

It's October. Sensory Awareness Month. So, I feel like I should write. Lately, though, my words have been few. Some days I feel as if I've lost the ability to string my words together. Everything seems so chaotic, separate and disconnected. My words have been a reflection of that. 
I wonder if that's what it's like for O when his body can't interpret the sensory information in his environment. Chaotic. Separate. Disconnected. 
Yesterday, I took O to the dentist. We waited. He had his appointment and then we waited some more. It was in the waiting that he was most anxious. In that idle time. In the waiting room full of children and their parents. As each name was called, he waited to hear his own. When would he be chosen? When would we get to leave?

There are many days when I forget. Forget how it used to be. When we first began our journey into understanding O's difficulties with sensory processing.
Things are different now. Yet, so much is the same. 
I still consider his feelings, opinions and potential reactions before anyone else's. I still evaluate each day - each circumstance - based on how I think he will respond. But, I also pray more. For him and with him. Yesterday, I talked to him about the power of Jesus and how it was within us, helping us to be brave. It's a lesson I'm still learning, but it seemed right for him, too. 
Not long ago I actually forgot to bring O's food when we went to my sister's house for dinner. What?! Maybe it had been a crazy day. Or, maybe it had been such a "normal" day that his dietary restrictions slipped my mind. Even though it had my husband scrambling to the nearest McDonald's right before meal time, it seemed significant that I forgot. It felt normal. That never would have happened before!
There are still areas of pain, though. The look of uncertainty before putting on a new piece of clothing or lining up for school. Resistance to trying new foods - or even enjoying old favorites. Creating rules for his toys, time and relationships that cannot be broken. Separation. Chaos. Disconnection.
But, even in the midst of those, God has continued to provide us with glimpses into the fullness of joy. Playing catch in the backyard. Riding a bike. Flying paper airplanes with good friends. Telling jokes at the dinner table. Laughing at his favorite books. 
In the weeks since school started, there have been many days that I've stood with O on the playground, waiting for the bell to ring. 
He says, "I'm scared." 
And, I say, "It's okay to be scared. You're going to be okay." 
One day, I realized something. Those are O's initials - O.K. So, I started telling him, "You're going to be O.K. Because you already are O.K." It made him smile. The more I said it, the bigger he smiled. Of course, as many things go with O, it has now become our routine - most mornings that I drop him off, I have to remind him that he is O.K. I don't mind this routine...because it's a good reminder for me too.
Maybe that's what I needed to say today. To O, to you and to me. That everything is O.K. Even though it doesn't always feel that way.

Give Up

For many years I said no. No to freedom. No to passion. No to abundance. As I look back, I don't think I was even aware I was doing it. I didn't know any better. Because, who would knowingly refuse any of these things?

What I also didn't realize was that by saying no to these things I also saying to no to an intimate knowledge of God and his desire to work within and through me. Why? Because most of the time saying yes didn't make sense. And, I'm the kind of person that likes things to make sense.

I'm not saying that I never prayed or didn't believe. I did.  I had a life that pleased me and in some ways - I hope - God too. It was safe and comfortable. I did good things. I was a good person. But, I wasn't living a life of complete surrender. My joy was not complicated or courageous. 

Although I believed all the right things about God, I didn't recognize my need for Christ or my need for freedom. I was a Christian and I was a good person. I thought I was free. It wasn't until I initiated my journey of obedience, with small steps of courage and faith, that I began to see what a captive I had been to goodness, comfort, fear and doubt. I had been trying to do it on my own. God had offered me the free gift of grace and instead of accepting it without guilt or the sense of debt, I continued to try and pay him for it, to show him and everyone else that I was worthy of their love and approval. That I had earned it.

I'm still not sure exactly how or why things began to change. Except that I started to make room for him. I started to listen to that still, small voice, which even though it had been there all along, had been crowded out by those competing voices - of fear, doubt, pride, perfectionism. They had interfered with my ability to receive and take action.

My moments of obedience began with this blog and have been numerous since then. Many of them are recorded here. Some are not. In fact, there are some that I may not even be aware of. But, God is aware of them all. 

With each one has come more courage, more freedom, more willingness to give up those competing voices. To recognize that I am nothing and have nothing without God. Yet, with him...

Freedom is only possible through the finished work of Christ, 

and it lives on the other side of belief and surrender. 

- Jennie Allen, Anything

A little over a year ago, Matt and I prayed this anything prayer. Giving up everything in order to experience anything God had for us. It was difficult. And, I still find myself needing to pray it repeatedly. To remind myself that there really is freedom in surrender. If I take the time to look and listen, to push aside those competing voices, which cloud my vision and impair my ability to hear, I can see what God has done with that prayer, with our open hands.

He has filled them with new friends, plane tickets, leadership opportunities, honest conversations, SPD miracles and so much more. 

Then there are the new things, the ones that are happening right now -  a gathering of women I will be hosting at my home next month and the summer Bible study at my church...

God birthed in me the idea of gathering women from my local area together while I attended IF: Gathering in February. Before I even left the building after the last session, I sent a message to a friend who was attending an IF: Local gathering in my home town. It said this:

God has really impressed upon me that we need a vision for unleashing IF in [our city]. I don't want to let another year go by without gathering women from churches together to talk about how to make Christ known in our city. I would love to get together to discuss with anyone who is interested. It may be that you have something you're doing that's already working that you want to share, so people can join you. It may be that you have an idea that you want to see become a reality. It may be that you don't know what to do but you know something needs to be done. Whatever it is, we need to be together on it, because we will be stronger that way!

As a result of a series of steps and missteps, I will be hosting about a dozen women - who serve in different churches in my area - in my home in mid-July. My vision is for this to be a time for us to get to know each other - our passions, areas of ministry, gifts and dreams. It will also be a time to share ideas, resources and conversation. I am excited to see what God will do through this group and beyond.

But, before that happens, I will begin leading a Bible study at my own church. I led a study last year and was blessed by the experience. This year, God asked me not only to lead, but also to write my own study. My initial response...But, I have not studied the Bible formally. I have never written my own study. Part of anything, right?

I still don't know what this will look like. And, these past few weeks, as I've attempted to prepare to lead, I've been wrestling with some hard stuff. Internal dialogue. Those voices again. But, God continues to speak, as I strain to hear his voice. He has said, I created this. I will sustain it.

So, now I'm praying anything...for this study and July gathering, waiting to see what God will do. How will he sustain and what will he produce with his creations?

Are you willing to pray anything? To give up your life? He has promised freedom, redemption and restoration when you do.

Drawing the Line

Over the past several months I have been asking God to reveal himself to me in fresh, new ways. So, it was of no surprise to me when I was standing in line at Target on Saturday morning and heard this message, I'm the one that draws the line.
Although, it was just before 10:00 am on Saturday morning, Target was already packed. I had been there over an hour, trying to get all my shopping done in one place - clothes, shoes, food, beauty items, prescriptions and anything else I could think of - when I was finally ready to check-out. There were only a few lanes open and the lines were long. I took the opportunity to scroll through my coupons on Cartwheel - since I never seem to remember to do this before or while I shop. 
There was a woman behind me, who after a few minutes, demanded to the clerk that she call for extra help due to the length of the lines. The clerk responded nervously, indicating that she would and then went right on checking my items. The lady behind me seemed furious; I kept hearing her make noises and comments to the child she had with her. In a matter of minutes, mad lady said something to the child I couldn't quite hear and then walked swiftly past me, abandoning her cart.
I was shocked. My first thought was...why would you spend all that time shopping and then leave the store with nothing to show for it? Her behavior didn't make sense to me. She was obviously frustrated by the wait time, yet I assumed that she needed the items she had in her cart. I chatted a bit about mad lady's behavior with the woman that was checking my items. Neither of us were angry or judgmental. We were simply confused.
But, the voice in my head was appalled at mad lady's behavior. It seemed so ridiculous. That's when I heard that other voice. The still, small one that I am often too busy and distracted to hear. The one I had been struggling to hear all week. 

The news stories of the past few weeks have been weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I have been reading and re-reading the opinions of news reporters, bloggers and even read quotes from the individuals themselves. Yet, questions still plagued me. Did the parents do enough? Did that person go too far, change too much? Where do you draw the line?
In John, chapter 8 Jesus draws a line in the sand, so to speak. As the story goes, there are several religious men who bring to Jesus a woman caught in adultery. They want her stoned. Jesus bends down and writes or draws something in the dust. Then, he says, "All right, but let anyone who has never sinned throw the first stone." (John 8:7) No one throws anything. No one crosses the figurative line. And, Jesus knows why. Because he could see their hearts. He was the only one who had the power to judge, convict and forgive - completely.
We all move through the world in the same state - broken and beloved - and...we're all in need of healing and grace.  Rachel Held Evans, Searching for Sunday
I still don't know where I would draw the line given a certain set of circumstances, how far I'd go to protect or what lengths I would go to get something I felt I needed. But, I do know that Jesus has the answer. 
Therefore, it's in all situations - whether it's a decision related to abandoning my cart at Target or one more morally or ethically loaded - that I need to seek wisdom from the one who knows, sees and forgives all. 
He's the one that draws the line. The line of sin and judgment. The one which he took upon himself. So that all could be set free.

Trust

The time has come to start thinking about second grade. For O. First grade is coming to a close and soon decisions will be made about classrooms and teachers for next school year. But, first grade is comfortable. It feels good. Why do we have to move on?

While I know that the environment is important for O - the structure, routine, noise level, chaos-factor, etc. - I also know that the leader, the teacher is also important. He/she must be kind and loving and have reasonable expectations. She must know how to push, with care. But, most of all, she must be trustworthy.

"The most important thing is that he trusts his teacher. Because, if he trusts her, then he knows she has his best interest in mind and when something happens - when the structure or circumstances change - he can follow her without fear."

These are the words I spoke to a friend, several weeks ago. Then, later that morning, we took O to the dentist, which has historically been a source of fear for him. The hygienist said, "We need to build his trust. He needs to know that this is a safe place." And, they made it safe. They built his trust. As a result, he followed with trust. He left laughing instead of crying. Not because he had grown to love the circumstance of being at the dentist - of having people's hands and metal instruments in his mouth - but, because he had kept his focus on the people who built rapport and who he trusted to respect and value him.

In these situations, I have discovered my own lessons of trust. And, I have heard God speaking through them, Do you trust me? With your life? With your children? With your dreams?

In the book, Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, Sara Hagerty writes this about her desire to find God during her struggle with barrenness of the womb and of the soul, “I wanted him. Whether he came and lifted my circumstances, or he just came...Even when my circumstances were unbending, God was good to me.”

That's what I want so desperately to feel...that God is not only good, but that he is good to me. That I can trust him.

Over the past several months, I have been working on writing a Bible Study, which focuses on discovering God through the Psalms. 

As a result of my preparation for this study, God continually surprised me with insights into his steadfast love, grace and mercy, at a time when I needed nothing more than to hear that message. Here's what I learned...

The book of Psalms is a poetic story told through the hearts of God’s people; it's their response to their circumstances, in light of who God is. In the psalms, you will find stories of faith and doubt, failure and victory, despair and hope.

For the writers of the psalms, through all circumstances, God is the constant. He is the variable that never changes. In that way, our praise is not dependent on the circumstance, but on God, himself.

I can either look at my circumstances in light of God or look to Him alone, trusting him despite my circumstances, believing that the circumstances are irrelevant. Either way, there is only God and an intimacy that goes beyond a situation or condition.

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. 

We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence...

In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises.

2 Peter 1:3,5

How will you respond to God's promises today? Will you trust him?

Only for Today

On Monday morning, I sat with O for a few minutes before the craziness of the day began. We talked about upcoming changes, things he was worried about - like school and our family getting a new car. Then, he got up from the chair to use the restroom and I got up to take a shower. As he passed the clock, he said, "Mom, we talked for 15 minutes!" It made me smile. First, because he is a bit obsessed with the time lately, which is often both a blessing and a curse. And second, because he noticed. He noticed that I had made time for him and that he had taken time away from his Lego building for me. 
As I went to take my shower, I wondered how long O would hold onto that memory, of us spending 15 minutes talking together. My mother's heart hoped that he would carry it with him forever. However, the realist side of me knew that wouldn't be the case. I could only hope that he would carry it with him for the day. That, when he got nervous at school or fearful of the "new car" experience, he would remember our moment together, talking about change and challenges and courage. And, that it would be enough. For that day.
The more I thought about it, the more I was reminded of a story of the Israelites - from Exodus 16 - about their 40 years in the desert. It's the story of how God provided for them. Every day, manna rained down from Heaven. And, they were only supposed to take enough for each day, except in preparation for the Sabbath. On the other five days, if they tried to take too much - out of fear that they would not get anymore - their food would be spoiled by morning. What they didn't understand was that there was no need to hoard their food, because the next day, more would come. God gave them enough for each day. They never lacked provision. 
He does the same for us.

Many times, I worry about tomorrow. Will I be able to handle whatever life throws at me? I spend too much time stuck in the "what ifs" and not enough time resting in the "what is."
The truth is, God gives us enough for each day, equipping us for the tasks he has planned. We don't need to try and take in all we can on Sunday, hoping that it lasts for the whole week. We can approach him every day and he will give us what we need.  
God is not only our provider, he is our provision. He is not just the supplier of the good stuff, he is the good stuff. 
Are you allowing God to be the one who satisfies you? Are you letting it be enough, for today?

My Voice. Your Voice.

When God said, Speak, I didn't know what he meant.
Since that time, I have...
WRITTEN MY STORY
STOOD IN FRONT OF GROUPS OF WOMEN AND SHARED ABOUT  GOD'S TRANSFORMING LOVE, ABOUT FEAR, BEING RESTLESS, WAITING,  AND WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO CHOOSE HIM
LED AND PARTICIPATED IN BIBLE STUDIES
COUNSELED AND PRAYED WITH FRIENDS
I know these were all a part of God's plan.  Each time, I believed these were what he meant when he said, Speak. I still do.
But, today, I met with a friend and she said this, I don't feel like a have a voice [in that place]. But, you do.  You have a voice.
At that moment, the hair on my arms stood. I felt overwhelmed.  Yes. That's part of it, too. Speak. Use your voice.

Everyone has a voice. 
When the time comes and God says, Speak, Do it. Use your voice.
Be intentional about influencing others. In your time. In your place.

The Power of a Story

When I began writing here in April 2012, my purpose for blogging was to share my story in a new and creative way. In fact, my blogger profile ends with this statement, "I believe that everybody has a story to tell. It is here that I will tell my story...making peace with the pieces of life." 
I believed then, and still do, that there is power in sharing your story. Power in naming your broken pieces, so that they may be healed. It is in doing this that authenticity comes and transformation can take place.

In her book, The Unveiled Wife, Jennifer Smith, bravely tells her story. And, she does it for the same reasons that I decided to tell mine. So that women will know that they are not alone in their struggles. To provide hope. And, to encourage women toward developing an intimate connection with God.
I first met Jennifer and her husband, Aaron, through blogging. Then, we were fortunate to meet in person in January 2014, after Jen invited me to Southern California to share some of my thoughts on weariness at her Shine event. It was then that I first heard her speak publicly about her struggle in marriage. 
In her book, Jennifer tells her story - her journey toward discovering the greater purpose of marriage. It's the story of her struggle to understand why the God she loved her whole life would not provide her with a miracle. It's the story of how she wanted to give up on God and her marriage. But, most importantly, it is the story of redemption and grace. Of forgiveness and freedom.
"Although I was saved by grace, over time I had woven together another veil, made of expectations, imperfections and insecurities"
While Jennifer's story may not be my story or your story, we all have veils that we have hidden behind, at times. In Psalm 91 we are told that if we "dwell in the secret place of the Most High" that we will remain fixed and stable in Him. We will only experience this stability and rest if we turn our face toward him. If we behold God, we become mirrors through which others can see him. We cannot do this if we remain hidden beneath our veils, if we stay stuck in what we don't have or in the negative parts of our story.
In 2 Corinthians 3, Paul says that when we turn to the Lord, the veil is removed. Then, there is freedom. Then, we can see and reflect God's glory. Then, we can become more and more like him.
This is the story that Jennifer tells. Of being unveiled. It is difficult story, which she speaks courageously. I feel privileged to have been invited into it.
"Being an unveiled wife is about confronting and crushing your fears;  believing in truth more than doubt, worry or lies and finding your security in God alone." 

*Disclosure: I received a free copy of The Unveiled Wife for the purpose of review.

On My Knees

The end of a another long day. A day of physical and emotional turmoil. The need for rest, but the pull to do more to be more.

I check my email just one more time. And, I find this. A post from Ann Voskamp about this very thing. About failure. About this fight. But, not just the fight, the victory too. She wrote this:

"A failing lent? It is a good Lent because this lament of our sin -- 

is exactly what prepares us for  Resurrection Joy found in our Savior.

Grief is what cultivates the soil for the seeds of joy.

She who knows her sins much?  Loves much, and the road to heaven is paved with the realization that I deserve hell. 

His rising will be all my joy, because I know it in the marrow of the bones: He is all my hope.

Strange how that is --- You can sit in the dark of lent.

And still feel the warming flame of His Grace on your face."

How can I know my need for a savior without first sitting in the dark?

Because it is in the dark that the light shines brightest. Where it is most obvious. Without dark, there is no need for light. 

How can I understand the depths of his love without first understanding my own depravity? 

Because I want to focus on my accomplishments and he wants me to stay in my failures. At least for a moment. Long enough to understand.

I need to feel lowly. To bow humbly. In order to understand. 

To feel the ground under my knees. In order to appreciate. 

To cry out, so that I may experience rest.

 He sees my brokenness, my walls that need rebuilding. He took it already. My flesh, my sin. So, why am I still holding on?  

I fail, so his victory is sweeter. So his light is all I see. It is only in his power that I stand. Until I see that, I must remain on my knees.

It Matters

I am a part of God's wonderful creation. I matter to him. And, because of that, I should matter to me.
These were my thoughts as I took a little time for myself a few weeks ago. It was during my winter vacation, but my kids had already started back to school. I dropped them off and decided to take a walk on a path near the school. It was a path that I have frequented before, but generally with a girlfriend, which means that we spend most of the time walking and talking, not paying attention to the surroundings.

  I had just finished reading Jessica Turner's book, Fringe Hours and was determined to make space in my day for this - for exercise and a for a chance to reconnect with God after a busy holiday season. To walk in silence, paying close attention to the beauty that was around me. It was a clear day and I could see the snow-capped mountains in the distance. The air was crisp and, as I walked, I breathed in the grace of God. Making space for him to overwhelm me. 
"The reason so many women today struggle to make themselves a priority is because they are trying to be everything for everyone."
As a mother, I often feel guilty about prioritizing time for myself. It seems like there are a million other things I should be doing. But, maybe the more accurate statement is, there are many other things I could be doing. This is how Fringe Hours begins, by exploring issues - like guilt - that keep women from pursuing self-care in addition to sharing practical tips on overcoming the obstacles we all face when trying to make time for our own passions and interests. 
I appreciated this realistic approach. This book is not a how-to or step-by-step guide to caring for yourself. Rather, it offers thought provoking questions - like, "What prevents you from investing in yourself?" "What things matter to you more than they should?" and "Are you treating yourself kindly?" - and gives practical suggestions for making changes that will impact your everyday life. 
"Making time for your passions will serve every area of your life well."
Nearly three years ago, when I began writing this blog, God initiated for me a journey of discovery. A process which has led me to so many more people, places and dreams that I could have ever imagined. Over time, God has broken down my identity - making it not about my roles and credentials, but about who I am in him. That transformation has been largely due to my focus on my own spiritual and intellectual self-care.
However, after reading Fringe Hours, I realized that, although I had improved my ability to take time for myself and make space for God, I had neglected one important aspect of self-care...physical - focusing on my health and taking care of my body. So, while I will continue to work on developing spiritually and intellectually - honestly, these are my passions - I also plan to take time to develop the physical as well. My walk a few weeks ago was the first step!

I LOVED Fringe Hours because it feels like it was written for me, for my friends and for every woman who has ever struggled to find time for herself. It was a great tool for exploration and self-reflection. Through reading this book, I was pleased to discover many areas of self-care in which I have been making progress in the past year. And, was given the freedom to recognize and celebrate what I have accomplished. Yet, I was also encouraged to discover the areas that still need improvement.
"By unapologetically making priorities that include taking care of yourself and pursuing your passions,  you are making an investment that no one else can do for you."
If you have ever struggled making the most of your "fringe hours," this book is for you!
Why? Because... You are a part of God's wonderful creation.  You matter to him.  And, because of that, you should matter to you.


*Disclosure: I received a free copy of Fringe Hours for the purpose of review.

Perfect Love

One thing that I was reminded of during my weekend at IF:Gathering was that if you open yourself up to God, he will speak to you. For me, it didn't happen through an audible voice, but instead through the overwhelming sense of his presence in my thoughts. 

When I let him, God in his perfect love, entered in and began to show me the chains - bitterness, pride and fear - that have, at times, prevented me from being who he designed me to be. 

Recently, I have been exploring The Five Love Languages. I haven't read the book myself, but entered into a conversation about them with a friend one day at work. Something she said led to conviction in my heart. So, I decided to look them up online, reading a brief explanation of each. Doing this gave me a core understanding of why seemingly minor irritations have turned into major annoyances and even bred bitterness in me.
As I reflected on the love languages, it became clear to me that I have a love-hate relationship with one of them - words of affirmation, which can be identified as spoken praise and appreciation. Even though I enjoy being complimented and praised for things I have said or done, too many of these words can seem overdone and even fake in my perception.

On the flip side, I am a generally insecure person. So, while words of affirmation often make me uncomfortable and irritable, what God impressed upon through and around the words of Ann Voskamp was that I have actually become a slave to them. And, this bondage has kept me striving, has exhausted me, and has been feeding my fears.

I don't want you to tell me I've done anything wrong, because I fear that I've done everything wrong. 
I need you to tell me I'm right. 
I need to feel your support, because I don't have enough of it on my own. 
I am not enough without you. 
Although rooted in thoughts of insecurity, I was surprised to discover that my behavior was actually a description of pride. What? I don't even like myself half the time. How could these feelings be described as prideful?
Jenni Catron, in her book, Clout, [which, of course, God had me start reading on my way home from IF:Gathering] describes pride this way:

Pride feeds our longing for perfection...[It] finds its value in what you do rather than in who God says you are. Pride can't be comfortable with imperfection. (p. 87)

I've made no secret about my tendency toward perfectionism. In fact, in the fall of 2013 in my post, What I Have Become, I described myself as, "Often crippled by the possibility of producing something mediocre. Devastated my own unfulfilled expectations."
This is me. It has been part of my personality and character since I was a young child. I never gave myself permission to fail. I still don't. Which is why taking risks is so hard.
As I finish this post this morning, my 12-year old is about to take the stage at school. Not in her typical, comfortable way, as an actress, but as a candidate for student council secretary. This is a risk for her. She may not win. It may lead to disappointment. But, that's okay. Because we are not called to win, we are called to risk. We are called to be faith-filled because of who God is, not fearful because of who we are not. Success in God's eyes is not about our accomplishments, it's about doing life with him, in spite of our circumstances.
We may feel disappointed and insufficient when we don't achieve our version of success. But this is what Paul says about us in 2 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬, Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God.
 We are enough because he is enough.

Thank You

Have you ever forgotten to say, Thank you? I have. Many times. 
Often it's because I selfishly take what the person has done for granted or what's been done seems so routine that the need for a thank you is seemingly eliminated. 
Other times, it's because I am forgetful, which seems to be more true as I have aged. For example, if I don't thank someone right away - by sending a note or making a phone call - the next time I see them, the act they performed is too far removed. Or, more commonly, I tell someone else about what was done for me and don't remember that I haven't told the actual individual personally.
Regardless of my attitude or tendency toward forgetfulness, gratitude is still important. I think all people want to be appreciated. Thank you's are valued.

In the same way, sharing our gratitude with God is also important. For God, a thank you is a form of praise. It's a way to recognize his hand in a situation or circumstance. Not because he needs it, but because we do. Our relationship may feel incomplete without it. 

Last weekend, I attended the IF:Gathering in Austin, TX. It was a huge step for me - not only to fly, which I hate, by the way - but to walk into an event with over 2,000 people by myself. I knew I would be glad I stepped out in faith. I was right.

During one of the worship sessions, we sang the song, Jesus Paid it All. When it came to the chorus, I was overwhelmed as I sang,

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

Ultimately, I believe this line is speaking of my salvation. Jesus Christ paid my debt by dying on the cross and erasing all my sins - past present and future - so that I can live with him forever. However, as I sang this song that Friday night, God impressed something else upon me. It was as if he said, You never said thank you. Not for my salvation, but for pulling me out of a period of despair and doubt and pursuing me when I couldn't approach him. During a time when I felt my cries couldn't or wouldn't be heard.

At first it didn't make sense to me. This had happened years ago. Why was I thinking of this now? I was confused, but also convicted. So, I immediately sat down and wrote this prayer:

Lord, thank you for raising me when I couldn't raise myself. When I was in such despair that I couldn't cry out, thank you for staying with me. For showing up even when I pushed you away. Thank you. Thank you for never giving up. For your steadfast - firm and unwavering - love, when I was so broken, so uncertain, so weak and feeble-minded. Thank you for who you were then and who you still are today. You haven't changed, but you have changed me. Thank you.

Although I had completed my act of thanksgiving, I was still confused. Why had God asked this of me? Why was it important? Then, on the plane ride home, I found the above verses in Psalm 105.

It became clearer then. While I had written about his great and mighty works and followed his command to tell my story, I had never thanked him. I hadn't sang praises to him, only about him. Although I had proclaimed his greatness to all who were willing to listen, I hadn't given thanks to him.

I had missed a piece of the praise puzzle. It was not required by God for my salvation or for his love, but it had left a hole in me that could only be filled through thanksgiving. I needed to recognize him for what he had done in my life. I had been lacking a way to remember, for myself. I needed to mark that moment so that my faith, not just the faith of others, would be strengthened.

Remembering God is real gives us the faith for our next step. 
We mark our moments because it builds all of our faith. 

- Jennie Allen, IF:Gathering

Do you have something you need to thank God for? Or, if you have already thanked him, have you also proclaimed his greatness and made his deeds known to others? 

Believe

In three days I will be in Austin, Texas, gathering with over 2000 women who are expecting great things from God. It is a dream realized for me. 
Nearly one year ago, as I sat at home in front of my computer, with chaos all around me, I watched women worship and speak about a God who is alive and active. A God who moves mountains and wanted me to start moving right along with him. I knew then that instead of watching at home or with a local group, I would be in Austin for IF:Gathering 2015. And, miraculously, I will be. 
The journey that God has had me on this past year is sometimes inexplicable. I have experienced restlessness and certainty, bold faith and doubt, despair and hope. Yet, in the midst of these ever-changing emotions and circumstances that were unexpected and uncertain, God was the constant. He is the variable that never changes.

This Christmas I received one of The Giving Keys. I had been wanting one for a long time and decided to put it on my Christmas list. Like a smart (and not so subtle) woman, I took a screenshot of the exact key that I wanted and sent it to my husband, so that ordering it would be seamless. However, when I opened the package on Christmas morning, it was the wrong key. I had requested BREATHE but what I got was BELIEVE.
I was disappointed. How did he get this wrong? Apparently, there had been some difficulty during the ordering process. He had tried to order the key I had requested, but due to a glitch with the website, had ended up with something different. He would send it back. We would get the right one.
But, before that happened, I watched this video about the vision behind the current IF:Equip study. The theme:  Faith. The tagline: Believe God for more. The question: What are you believing God for today?
I wanted to believe. But, I was having a hard time seeing past my current circumstances. The state of uncertainty I was in had me in a place of stress. I found myself even more fearful than I had been when God asked me to step outside of my comfort zone - to start this blog, lead a Bible study, and speak to groups of women. 
I was uncertain because my circumstances were. But, it was only uncertain to me. Not to God.

The more I reflected, read and studied, the more clear it became. The word I needed to be reminded of was BELIEVE. There had been no mistake. God had intervened. He saw to it that I had what I needed. A reminder to believe him for my present and my future. A reminder that unbelief was the root of my fears, insecurities, doubts, and despair. 
It was as if he said to me, "Rest in the uncertainty. Don't let it define you. Let me define you. Let my presence be where you are. Choose me."
Everything about God is abundant - his love, power, mercy, grace, resources, etc. Because of this, there is always more. God is the creator of the universe. So, why couldn't he do x,y,z? He can. So, I should believe that he can. I should believe him for more. You should too.
"What you believe about God is the most important thing about you." - AW Tozer
Lord, may my belief in your abundance be evident. Let my actions be a reflection of you or your activity in my own life and in the lives of others. Overwhelm me with your love, and with your spirit, so that everything else pales in comparison. May I love and live out of abundance of you. May I believe.