Perfect Love

One thing that I was reminded of during my weekend at IF:Gathering was that if you open yourself up to God, he will speak to you. For me, it didn't happen through an audible voice, but instead through the overwhelming sense of his presence in my thoughts. 

When I let him, God in his perfect love, entered in and began to show me the chains - bitterness, pride and fear - that have, at times, prevented me from being who he designed me to be. 

Recently, I have been exploring The Five Love Languages. I haven't read the book myself, but entered into a conversation about them with a friend one day at work. Something she said led to conviction in my heart. So, I decided to look them up online, reading a brief explanation of each. Doing this gave me a core understanding of why seemingly minor irritations have turned into major annoyances and even bred bitterness in me.
As I reflected on the love languages, it became clear to me that I have a love-hate relationship with one of them - words of affirmation, which can be identified as spoken praise and appreciation. Even though I enjoy being complimented and praised for things I have said or done, too many of these words can seem overdone and even fake in my perception.

On the flip side, I am a generally insecure person. So, while words of affirmation often make me uncomfortable and irritable, what God impressed upon through and around the words of Ann Voskamp was that I have actually become a slave to them. And, this bondage has kept me striving, has exhausted me, and has been feeding my fears.

I don't want you to tell me I've done anything wrong, because I fear that I've done everything wrong. 
I need you to tell me I'm right. 
I need to feel your support, because I don't have enough of it on my own. 
I am not enough without you. 
Although rooted in thoughts of insecurity, I was surprised to discover that my behavior was actually a description of pride. What? I don't even like myself half the time. How could these feelings be described as prideful?
Jenni Catron, in her book, Clout, [which, of course, God had me start reading on my way home from IF:Gathering] describes pride this way:

Pride feeds our longing for perfection...[It] finds its value in what you do rather than in who God says you are. Pride can't be comfortable with imperfection. (p. 87)

I've made no secret about my tendency toward perfectionism. In fact, in the fall of 2013 in my post, What I Have Become, I described myself as, "Often crippled by the possibility of producing something mediocre. Devastated my own unfulfilled expectations."
This is me. It has been part of my personality and character since I was a young child. I never gave myself permission to fail. I still don't. Which is why taking risks is so hard.
As I finish this post this morning, my 12-year old is about to take the stage at school. Not in her typical, comfortable way, as an actress, but as a candidate for student council secretary. This is a risk for her. She may not win. It may lead to disappointment. But, that's okay. Because we are not called to win, we are called to risk. We are called to be faith-filled because of who God is, not fearful because of who we are not. Success in God's eyes is not about our accomplishments, it's about doing life with him, in spite of our circumstances.
We may feel disappointed and insufficient when we don't achieve our version of success. But this is what Paul says about us in 2 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬, Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God.
 We are enough because he is enough.