Summer Haps {So Far}

Because I haven't had a lot of down time and haven't felt inspired by the writing bug since I have been on summer vacation, I decided I would simply share some random happenings from the summer, so far.

Much of my role this summer has been as a taxi driver. While this has been true most of the past few summers, I have been driving a lot more this year. My oldest has a role with a local children's musical theater company and will be performing in Aladdin Jr at the end of July. She has, and will continue to, practice nearly every day until the play's opening. This equals lots of driving, to and from rehearsals.

Fortunately, now that O has finished preschool, my time in the car will be less. There were some days that I would drop off A at practice, take O to school, get groceries or run errands with E, go home, leave to pick up A, grab lunch for the girls and I, and eat in the car on the way to pick up O. Whew!

E AND ME, DRINKING OUR GREEN TEA.

Speaking of O and the end of preschool...his teacher decided that she would not host a typical preschool graduation, where the kids stood on the stage, sang a few songs and then received their diploma. Instead, they had a water play party. While she did spend a few minutes talking about each child who was moving on to kindergarten, highlighting their strengths and giving them each a hip-hip-hooray, for most of the graduation, the kids were free to play in the water together.

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have already seen this, my favorite photo from the day:

Here are a couple more:

Another thing that defines my summer, is waiting for the girls to get their classroom assignments for the next school year. These yellow cards come each year at the end of June, beginning of July. The girls know this is when they come and always begin asking me to check the mail multiple times per day.

This summer, as with last summer, something unthinkable happened. The post office did not deliver both of the girls' cards on the same day! This caused me to employ some evasive maneuvers in order to hide the fact that one of the cards came and the other didn't. 
There is no way that I could tell one girl and not the other. So, one card will stay hidden until the other one arrives. Next year, I will have three children waiting for cards. The post office better get it together next summer. All three cards delivered on the same day. Please.

CURRENT HIDING PLACE. INSIDE A PACKAGE OF NEW CHECKS.

The Bible study I began in the first week of June has been amazing. We are studying the book of Esther. The theme of the study is, It's Tough Being a Woman. I'm looking forward to sharing some of the insights I've been learning with you soon.

I love s'mores. Made two of them for myself the other night. Did you know you don't need a campfire to make them. Easy to do in the oven. Just put the marshmallows (and bottom graham cracker) in for a few minutes on 350, add chocolate and the second graham...and voila, s'mores!

It is finally heating up. This weekend, the highs have been near 110. I have been fortunate enough to find some lightweight, cool clothing to wear on these hot days, when my go-to scarves and accessories are just not an option. My two favorite looks, I copied from Shanna.

What have you been up to lately? Comment below or send me a quick email, or use the lets talk button on my sidebar. I'd love to hear from you!

Young Warrior

Friday will mark the end of O's time in preschool. He will graduate. This means that he has conquered, sometimes with resistance, all the language, social, motor and academic challenges that he has encountered within the last two years. 
He has made so much progress. He now willingly and proficiently rides a bicycle, plays in the dirt and mud, participates in dress up, and interacts adequately with his teachers and friends.

Despite all these success, he still tells me daily that he doesn't like school. That school is scary. He seems uncertain and uncomfortable when I drop him off, although his teacher assures me that he participates with confidence during the day. I know that he is not in danger and that he needs this experience, which are the only things that enable me to walk out the door each time.

The end of preschool also means that the beginning of kindergarten is even closer. It's less than two months away! I am currently working on another of O's Letters to Kindergarten, but am having a hard time expressing things as he would.

Almost as often as he tells me he doesn't like preschool, he also tells me he doesn't like kindergarten. That it will be too hard. His anxiety is evident.

I have done many things already to prepare him for this transition. Unfortunately, I think that no matter how much we prepare, the unknown of kindergarten will plague him and cause him anxiety until he has experienced it first hand. I am expecting the worst that first day. I honestly don't know how I will leave him there. Again, he will be in no danger and I know he needs the experience, so I will have no choice but to walk out the door.

I recently listened to a sermon about how we all "draw lines" for our behavior based on our own perspectives, our own definitions of what will give God glory in specific situations. The speaker gave the examples of alcohol consumption, using instruments in a church service, pledging allegiance to the American flag, and more.
Since he was little, O has struggled with motor memory. I believe it's one of the reasons that he had difficulty speaking. It's also one of the reasons that he has difficulty generalizing motor tasks that he hasn't practiced regularly. It's also why each slide at a new playground is like a foreign object. He has no memory of that specific slide, which makes him anxious about using it.

As a result, O's lines are much different than mine. And, my lines for him are much different than they are for his sisters. It doesn't seem fair. The girls are starting to realize this. But, as I've stated here before, fair does not mean equal.

Another part of this sermon, touched on the importance of names. I wrote about this last fall, when I looked up the names of all the women who attended a weekend retreat with me at a nearby Christian camp. It was so interesting to me, when looking at the meanings of these women's names, how true to them their names were.

I thought about this again as I listened to this sermon. As a result, I decided to look up O's name. It means, young warrior or fighter. Yes! My boy has been fighting to make sense of his world since the beginning. 
Every day he wages a war against the sensory stimuli in his environment, the unknown and the anxiety it causes him. Some days, the battle is easy and he walks through without a scar. Other days, he changes his shirt three times before it feels right. On those days, the battle is rougher.

I'm worried. About him. About me. Will I be strong enough to walk away from him on that first day of kindergarten, or on any of the other days, when he assures me that it's too hard or that it's scary?

I know we have no choice but to keep fighting. I just hope and pray that my young warrior and I are ready for the battle.

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.

Psalms 46:7 (NLT)

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, Before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains...God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. 

Psalm 46:1-3 (MSG)

Why I Love Summer

I am just beginning my third week of summer vacation. I do realize how fortunate I am to have the entire summer, which lasts about 8 weeks, off from work. 
I haven't worked during the summer in 15 years, so sometimes I forget that there are people for who summer is just another season. For me it means...

reading  (I have finished three books in two weeks and have the fourth one waiting for me.)
trips to the zoo
building pillow forts
baking brownies at 9am
taking a morning walk with a friend
an empty sink, where the dirty dishes used to be
time with my kids (even if a lot of it is in the car)
What are some reasons you love summer?

Name Calling

One of my new favorite songs is Hello, My Name Is by Matthew West. This song speaks of experiencing freedom. Freedom from the lies that we believe about ourselves. The lies that come from our damaged self-perception and from the mouths of those who attempt to tear us down. 
These are the voices, these are the lies And I have believed them, for the very last time
The hope in this song is found in Jesus, the one true king. The one who makes all things new. It is because of Him that we are free. There is no other god, no other prophet, no other way to be saved.  
Hello, my name is child of the one true King I've been saved I've been changed and I have been set free

SOURCE

It's not about being spiritual. It's not about doing the right things. It's about accepting the gift of grace that has been offered through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
There is salvation in no one else! God has given no other name under heaven by which we must be saved. Acts 4:12
Because of this gift, there is no longer need for regret. No room for defeat. We are not defined by our weaknesses or mistakes.
These have been replaced by newness. Transformation. Worthiness. Salvation. Love.

What do you call yourself?

Summer Mantle

We have lived in our house for nearly eight years. When we first moved in, we had grand plans, many of which have not been accomplished. One example is the fireplace in our living room. Although we had a custom mantle made before our first Christmas in the house (in 2005!), we have yet to tile the surround.

M and I have been talking recently about the changes we want to make to our home. After eight years, in addition to completing the unfinished projects, there are many things that we would like to change. Most of those changes would be big, like new flooring, paint and furniture. Unfortunately, making these changes will cost money and take planning. Plus, we also have to agree on color schemes, style, etc. 

Because I have been battling this need for decor change and had a desire to do something fun and creative (especially after my unexpected first week of summer vacation), I decided to update my mantle for summer. 

I searched Pinterest and found some inspiration mantles. You can check them out here and here. 

I knew I had some items I could use already in my home, like shells, books for stacking, candles, and candle holders. Since I didn't want to spend a lot on this project...after all, summer only lasts a few months, I headed to HomeGoods on Saturday morning. 

Here is what I found, all for around thirty dollars.

I began the project by taking out all of the items I had purchased. Then, I went through the house, cupboards and closets, searching for other items that would fit the color scheme. I wanted to keep it neutral and simple, since I wasn't planning to change any of the other decor in the family room.

First, I covered the mantle with some burlap I had left over from Christmas. Then, I grouped the items together. I went through several different grouping combinations before I found the ones that I liked. 

The last addition was the flags on the old window. Since I didn't have any really tall items, I felt like I needed something on the window. I used scrapbook paper and ribbon I already had to create a flag banner, similar to one of my inspiration photos, that fit with the color scheme. 
To me, this mantle represents summer. Here is the finished product:

Do you make changes to your decor with the seasons?

Walking Through

Has fear ever caused you to do crazy things? Things that are out of character for you?

My first week of summer vacation did not go as I had planned. Instead of enjoying our new freedom and the beautiful weather, I was stuck inside all week with two sick kids, a lot of Lysol, and an abundance of anxiety. 

I won't go into details about the week, except to say that it was very difficult for me. I struggle with anxiety in many areas. Unfortunately, I experienced one of my extreme phobias last week. Is it irrational? Yes. Yet, it is still real. For me.

This anxiety made it very difficult for me to sleep. One night, when I experienced this anxiety-induced insomnia, I wrote the following...

***

I have experienced paralyzing fear this week. Fear of the unknown. Fear that is irrational and crazy. So much fear that I have not been able to sleep, eat or even leave the house without panic.

In fact, as I write this, I should be in bed. Sleeping. But, instead, the place that should bring me calm and rest is a place where I experience the most anxiety, which is both emotional and physical. 

I read until I finish my book. Until I am sure I can fall asleep, but it does not work.

So, I pace. Around the kitchen. I pass my Bible. I should pick it up, but I am afraid to even do that. Finally, the call to do it is so great. I search "fear" in the index and concordance. I find these:

"Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage! I am here!" (Mark 6:50)

...but he called out to them, "Don't be afraid. I am here." (John 6:20)

The Lord who created you says, don't be afraid...I have called you by name, you are mine... (Isaiah 43)

I also read John 14:27. About the gift of peace of "mind and heart" that Jesus has given to me. God says to me, "Accept this peace. Allow it to fill you."

Then, I flip to Philippians 4:6,7. Whenever you start to worry, stop and pray. The words my husband said to me earlier in the day resonate with me, "Have you prayed about this?"

I am worn out, weak, exhausted, broken. God says, "This is not what I want you to be."

***

Although it is a new week, and life is beginning to return to normal, I am still walking through my anxiety. I'm not sure how long it will take to leave me. I have asked God to lift this burden from me, many times. Yet, I keep taking it back. It is within my power to release it. In it's entirety. So, why am I still holding on? I must let go. Completely.

It is time to turn my ...

Worries into prayers.

Anxiety into petitions.

Suffering into thankfulness.

Limitations into requests.

Uncertainties into opportunities to listen.

Not by Chance

Last week, I posted this verse about the way God judges us, and how it is different from the way the world judges us, and from how we judge ourselves.

In my journey through the Bible, I just finished 1 Samuel. This verse was one that I had bookmarked and labeled as, Look at the Heart. As a person who is constantly struggling with a poor self-image and broken self-confidence, I thought this would be an important verse for me to remember. 

What I didn't anticipate was what God was going to teach me last Tuesday and how He was going to make this verse real to me. 

On Tuesday, June 4th, I was scheduled to begin a new Bible study. A study with a group of women that I had met through blogging, but never met in person. I was thrilled that they had asked me to be a part of their existing group and excited to be able to study the Bible with these godly women. 

Having never met any of them in person, I was nervous. I have often written here that I am much better at interacting with people in written form than in conversation or in person. Also, while I felt like I knew so much about these women through their writings, Instagram photos, emails, and text messages, I truly did not know them at all. 

What if they were crazy? But, more importantly, what if they thought I was crazy?

Here's what happened...

The Bible study was due to begin at 6:00pm. At 5:15, I was in a carpool, just leaving a meeting in a town at least 30 minutes from my car, which was at least 20 minutes from my final destination. There was no way I was going to be on time. What you must know about me is the I am never rarely late. It is something I just can't be. I was raised to be on time early, and have not been able to deviate from that mindset as an adult. 

It makes me very anxious to be late. What will I miss? Will those waiting for me think less of me because I was not on time? Etc.

When I finally got to my car I realized that, while I had the address of my destination, I didn't know how to get there. I typed the address into my phone. Couldn't find it. It showed me the location on the map, but was not able to give me directions from my current location. More anxiety.

Then, after deciding I knew enough about the approximate location to get there, I started off on my planned route. To my surprise, the freeway, which I was intending to take, was closed. A police car was parked, blocking the entrance to the freeway on-ramp and the smiling police officer was directing traffic to continue straight. No turning. Now what? 

While I have lived in this town most of my life, my familiarly with this particular area is lacking and my sense of direction is horrible. I was going to have to take the surface streets. It would be a slow and tedious drive.

At the next every stoplight, I checked my reflection in the mirror, noting that most of my makeup was gone and I had bags under my eyes. Lovely.

I was also hungry. Having been in a meeting, or in someone else's car, for the past three hours, I hadn't had a chance to eat anything. Since I knew it would be awhile before I reached my destination, where dinner would be served, I decided to eat a snack. Pineapple. 

Because I had given my daughter, who had a runny nose, the napkins that had been in my lunchbox (since I had forgotten to get tissues before we left the house, I was forced to give her what I had in the car when I dropped her off at school), I chose to keep the pineapple slices in the bag as I ate them. Bad idea. This strategy led to pineapple juice dripping down the front of my shirt. 

Could this get any worse? Could I make a worse first impression? I was late, looking haggard and covered in pineapple juice. Hi, I'm Sybil. I'm a mess. Aren't you glad you invited me to join this Bible study? 

As I began to cry, this verse, the one from 1 Samuel 16, came into my mind. The Lord gave it to me and then said, "Look at your heart. Look where you are headed. To study my word. I have great plans for you. For your heart."

The message was clear. God did not want me worrying about appearances. He didn't care that I was late, bleary eyed or smelled like pineapple. He cared that I was taking steps to study His word so that I could know him better.

I had arrived. At my destination. And, was at peace. 

I took a deep breath, apologized for being late, and put all appearances out of my mind. 

In addition to the words God spoke to me during my drive to the Bible study, here is the key phrase I jotted down in my study guide that night:

In God's providence, nothing happens by chance.

I am grateful for that truth. That God's hand is in everything...even spilled pineapple juice and freeway closures. 

Do you believe that?

A Snail's Pace

From a woman who has not been shy about hiding her dislike for exercise, this post may seem a bit odd. But, from a woman who has been clear about her desire to challenge herself, it will make perfect sense.

My typical exercise routine, during the school year, consists of Wii fit exercises during the week and walking on the weekends, weather permitting, of course. From the latter part of 2012 through the middle of April, I had been inconsistent with exercise. I had many reasons for this, most of them valid. But, by mid-April I was not happy with the state of my body and wanted needed to get back to this exercise routine.

While I walk for exercise, and it was one of the things contributes to my ability to feel fit and healthy, I also enjoy the time alone that walking provides. It's during this time that I am able to listen to music and spend time talking with God. It's in this quiet time, without distraction, that I can not only talk, but really listen, to what God has to say to me.

I have always been a walker, never a runner. I have had no desire to train for more than my 2 to 3 miles. I have been content and comfortable. 

When Kristine from Heart Shaped Sweat shared her idea of having a virtual 5K to kick off the summer, I was not eager. But, as I read more about the concept, I realized I liked it. I could walk the 3.1 miles. I could do it alone. It wasn't a race. Yes, I could do this.

On Saturday, June 1st, as part of my morning walk, I participated in the Summer Kickoff virtual 5K.

I walked along my normal path, and knew exactly the route I needed to take to complete the 5K. The path I walk is along a fairly quiet road and is lined with trees. On some days, if I am out early enough, I may even catch the sunrise.

The most annoying thing about this path is the snails. They are everywhere. I am constantly, nearly stepping on them throughout the entire walk. The thought of stepping on a snail is so disgusting to me.

I had no goals or vision for my walk on June 1st. I simply wanted to do it. However, when I completed the first mile, the voice on my imap my walk app told me my pace. It was faster than it had been since I began walking again in April. Maybe I could beat my time, getting a pace of under 14 minutes per mile.

My second mile was even faster. I was excited.

Something happened in the third mile. I got tired. I slowed my pace. Here is my final time.

As you can see, it is just over 14 minutes per mile. I was disappointed. I had wanted to beat my best time. 

So, back to the snails. In addition to being disgusting, they are also slow. Sometimes you can't even tell that they are moving, except that they leave a trail of slime behind them.

As I thought more about the snails and my slower pace during the last mile of my 5K, I realized a few things about going slow.
- Just because you are going slow, doesn't mean you don't have a destination. Those snails, they have a purpose. They know where they are going. And, they still get there.
- Going slower may make it easier to leave an impression along the way. Even when those snails aren't visible, their mark helps you know that they have been there. We can make marks like that, too. Next time you pass a friend on the street, stop and roll down the window, take a minute to chat, instead of merely honking as you drive past.

I am looking forward to the slower pace of summer. To the blessings of not feeling rushed, catching up with friends, and spending more time with my kids. This virtual 5K turned out to be the perfect way to kickoff my summer!

Peace is Fair

I have been having many it's not fair moments lately. 

Most  of these moments have been related to O.

For example, 

it's not fair that we can't run out of shampoo without him freaking out about using a different one.

It's not fair that he doesn't want to go to his own preschool graduation simply because they are serving ice cream. He doesn't like ice cream. And, food he doesn't like makes him anxious.

It's not fair that there is often no real indicator that he is getting sick. Odd patterns of eating, sleeping and behavior are the norm.

It's not fair when people, some who are very close to us, misunderstand and minimize his differences.

Some other not fair things...

It's not fair that my dryer died. Especially the day before O gets sick and various bedding, clothes, and towels need to be washed. 

It's not fair that one of our water heaters broke and all five of us have been forced to relocate to the same bathroom for our showers, etc for the past week.

I have been trying to pull myself out of this rut, but it seems that each time I adapt to one of these unfair moments, another one quickly arises.

Today, I am responding to all of my whining and complaining with a phrase that I use with my students and my own children all the time...

fair does not mean equal

Fair simply means that each person gets what they need at a given time. 

Life isn't fair in the sense that it's the same for everyone. 

But, it is fair if we look at what we need.

Even if we don't like it or are overwhelmed with it at times, it is exactly what we need. 

It's fair.

Isn't peace like this too? 

It's not the same for everyone or at every point in your life, but it is available to each of us, based on what we need.

One of the questions from this week's Coffee and Conversation is:

What's the meaning behind your blog title and why? 

Peace it all Together. 

What does that mean?

Shortly after I began writing this blog, I wrote a post to describe my definition of peace. You can read the post in its entirety here.

I am going to reprint my favorite portions of that post today, because I think it describes why I am writing this blog and what the title means to me.

*** From Pieces to Peaceful - April 13, 2012 Do you ever feel like you're in pieces? Like the whole picture is not clear? Do you struggle to understand  how the people, circumstances, and emotions of life fit together?

If so, you are a lot like me. I  go through each day with a desire to fit the pieces together, to make peace with all the pieces of my life. Although this is a daunting task, it would be a lot easier if I understood what that word peace really means...

...after all this research, I determined that peace is difficult to achieve. It's a lot easier to be filled to anxiety or uneasiness than it is to be filled with peace. Then I realized, peace is only difficult because I frequently attempt to gain it on my own. Doesn't it make more sense to go to the one who is called the Prince of Peace to ask for help? Jesus said in John 14:27,

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (NIV) 

I read once that this peace does not mean an absence of conflict or trial, but rather the ability to keep it together during those times. That is what I desire, the ability to exhibit calmness and confidence during times of trouble, whether big or small. And, that kind of peace has been given to me. All I have to do is accept it. 

***

This is Peace it all Together. The place where I attempt to make peace with the pieces of my life.

LINKING UP WITH

East to West

The Heart

Light of the World

Since I am not sure how much I will be able to write this week, due to my bombardment with end of the school year paperwork and the fact that I will be away from home three out of the five nights, I decided I would share with you some of my recent scripture "bookmarks" from my journey through the Bible. 
Today's verse comes from John 1:4-5.