Young Warrior

Friday will mark the end of O's time in preschool. He will graduate. This means that he has conquered, sometimes with resistance, all the language, social, motor and academic challenges that he has encountered within the last two years. 
He has made so much progress. He now willingly and proficiently rides a bicycle, plays in the dirt and mud, participates in dress up, and interacts adequately with his teachers and friends.

Despite all these success, he still tells me daily that he doesn't like school. That school is scary. He seems uncertain and uncomfortable when I drop him off, although his teacher assures me that he participates with confidence during the day. I know that he is not in danger and that he needs this experience, which are the only things that enable me to walk out the door each time.

The end of preschool also means that the beginning of kindergarten is even closer. It's less than two months away! I am currently working on another of O's Letters to Kindergarten, but am having a hard time expressing things as he would.

Almost as often as he tells me he doesn't like preschool, he also tells me he doesn't like kindergarten. That it will be too hard. His anxiety is evident.

I have done many things already to prepare him for this transition. Unfortunately, I think that no matter how much we prepare, the unknown of kindergarten will plague him and cause him anxiety until he has experienced it first hand. I am expecting the worst that first day. I honestly don't know how I will leave him there. Again, he will be in no danger and I know he needs the experience, so I will have no choice but to walk out the door.

I recently listened to a sermon about how we all "draw lines" for our behavior based on our own perspectives, our own definitions of what will give God glory in specific situations. The speaker gave the examples of alcohol consumption, using instruments in a church service, pledging allegiance to the American flag, and more.
Since he was little, O has struggled with motor memory. I believe it's one of the reasons that he had difficulty speaking. It's also one of the reasons that he has difficulty generalizing motor tasks that he hasn't practiced regularly. It's also why each slide at a new playground is like a foreign object. He has no memory of that specific slide, which makes him anxious about using it.

As a result, O's lines are much different than mine. And, my lines for him are much different than they are for his sisters. It doesn't seem fair. The girls are starting to realize this. But, as I've stated here before, fair does not mean equal.

Another part of this sermon, touched on the importance of names. I wrote about this last fall, when I looked up the names of all the women who attended a weekend retreat with me at a nearby Christian camp. It was so interesting to me, when looking at the meanings of these women's names, how true to them their names were.

I thought about this again as I listened to this sermon. As a result, I decided to look up O's name. It means, young warrior or fighter. Yes! My boy has been fighting to make sense of his world since the beginning. 
Every day he wages a war against the sensory stimuli in his environment, the unknown and the anxiety it causes him. Some days, the battle is easy and he walks through without a scar. Other days, he changes his shirt three times before it feels right. On those days, the battle is rougher.

I'm worried. About him. About me. Will I be strong enough to walk away from him on that first day of kindergarten, or on any of the other days, when he assures me that it's too hard or that it's scary?

I know we have no choice but to keep fighting. I just hope and pray that my young warrior and I are ready for the battle.

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.

Psalms 46:7 (NLT)

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, Before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains...God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. 

Psalm 46:1-3 (MSG)