My first week of summer vacation did not go as I had planned. Instead of enjoying our new freedom and the beautiful weather, I was stuck inside all week with two sick kids, a lot of Lysol, and an abundance of anxiety.
I won't go into details about the week, except to say that it was very difficult for me. I struggle with anxiety in many areas. Unfortunately, I experienced one of my extreme phobias last week. Is it irrational? Yes. Yet, it is still real. For me.
This anxiety made it very difficult for me to sleep. One night, when I experienced this anxiety-induced insomnia, I wrote the following...
***
I have experienced paralyzing fear this week. Fear of the unknown. Fear that is irrational and crazy. So much fear that I have not been able to sleep, eat or even leave the house without panic.
In fact, as I write this, I should be in bed. Sleeping. But, instead, the place that should bring me calm and rest is a place where I experience the most anxiety, which is both emotional and physical.
I read until I finish my book. Until I am sure I can fall asleep, but it does not work.
So, I pace. Around the kitchen. I pass my Bible. I should pick it up, but I am afraid to even do that. Finally, the call to do it is so great. I search "fear" in the index and concordance. I find these:
"Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage! I am here!" (Mark 6:50)
...but he called out to them, "Don't be afraid. I am here." (John 6:20)
The Lord who created you says, don't be afraid...I have called you by name, you are mine... (Isaiah 43)
I also read John 14:27. About the gift of peace of "mind and heart" that Jesus has given to me. God says to me, "Accept this peace. Allow it to fill you."
Then, I flip to Philippians 4:6,7. Whenever you start to worry, stop and pray. The words my husband said to me earlier in the day resonate with me, "Have you prayed about this?"
I am worn out, weak, exhausted, broken. God says, "This is not what I want you to be."
***
Although it is a new week, and life is beginning to return to normal, I am still walking through my anxiety. I'm not sure how long it will take to leave me. I have asked God to lift this burden from me, many times. Yet, I keep taking it back. It is within my power to release it. In it's entirety. So, why am I still holding on? I must let go. Completely.
It is time to turn my ...
Worries into prayers.
Anxiety into petitions.
Suffering into thankfulness.
Limitations into requests.
Uncertainties into opportunities to listen.
7 comments:
it's so great that you shared this. fear and worry can be paralyzing. I think that's why God chose to address fear so many times in the Bible. xoxo love and hugs to you!
Praying for you today, in this moment Sybil. I can totally relate, as you know based on my post Friday. Last week was a tough one all around for many. I hope and pray this week is better for you and yours.
Oh lady.. Do I ever know how it feels to suffer from anxiety. Even the paralyzingly kind that keeps me up at night and without hunger pains all day.. You know I'm here if/when you need anything! In the midst of my anxiety, ill be praying for you. You are loved. Rest in Him
Thank you for sharing your heart with us... All of it! Anxiety is something I struggle with a lot. Someone said when you are busy worrying it means you are not trusting God... And while I don't want to believe that's true, it's so hard to just let go of that control and not worry about things!
Thank you for being so honest about the fear and anxiety you are facing. This is an unfortunate reality in my life as well. It can be so debilitating. I am praying for God to wrap his arms around you and shower you in peace. :)
I can totally relate to your anxiety as I struggle with it as well. I actually wonder if one of my big phobias is the same one you are speaking about. Thank you for sharing the verses that helped you. I started running as a way to cope with anxiety and it helps me tremendously. I appreciate your honesty and will be praying for you.
i've been having a heck of a time with anxiety lately. its just so irrational but it still plagues me
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