Until Next Time

There are so many things that I want to say in this, my 300th post. But, first, I want you to know how hard this is for me to write. This post comes after much prayer, reflection and gut-wrenching tears.

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about many of the questions I have been struggling with lately. Questions related to the direction that my career, this blog, my ministry - to name a few - may take me. Since that time, I have continued reading the book, Restless, and journaling my story - the pleasures, suffering, gifts, people and places that have impacted me.

Quote from Restless, p. 109

I have also been praying and making attempts to empty myself of my selfish desires, while at the same time, being open to what God has planned for me. This has been a difficult process. The more I emptied, the more broken I became. The more I sought clarity, the more confused I was. It was heart-breaking and mending all at the same time.

Also within the last two weeks, I have decided to participate in the 40-day challenge through Overcome the Lie. I participated in this challenge last spring and was blessed by the experience. Part of the challenge last spring was a 40-day fast, from something of your choosing. (You can read about last year's fasting experience here and here). 
As I thought about what to give up for the upcoming challenge, what became clear to me was that God was asking me to give up blogging, at least for those 40-days. As a way of reevaluating what this space is about and if it is something that I should continue to put my time, energy and heart into.

This is not an easy decision for me. To give up this space, even if only for a specified period of time will be difficult. Through this blog, I have been blessed in so many ways. Without this space I would never have...

- Gotten to know so many wonderful people -

- Had the opportunity to speak in front of over 400 women -

- Found two godly women to join in Bible study -

- Desired to become fashionable and actually enjoy how I look most days -

- Shared in birth stories and watched so many adorable babies grow as their mothers learn to care for them and themselves -

- Been able to share my faith so boldly -

- Learned many things about myself, some of which I knew before, but never admitted -

- Had a place to reflect on the reality of having a child that is different and all that that means, or has meant for me -

- Been able to say what I wanted without the fear of being judged -

- Learned that I may not actually be that different from the average woman -

But, there have also been some things about blogging that have negatively affected me, by consuming my thoughts and causing me to view my worth through number of comments and pageview stats. Through blogging, I've also...

- Become addicted to more involved in social media -

- Begun to think of my life in terms of blog posts, tweets and FB status updates -

- Woken up early to check emails, stats, etc - only to be disappointed by a limited to something that I poured my heart into -

 - Compared myself more with others -

- Wondered obsessed about how to get more interaction with the people I am writing for -

Writing is wonderful. Blogging is exhausting. Rereading what I write and feeling proud and impressed at the words that I spoke onto the page is energizing. Thinking about how to promote those words so others will read them too is draining.

I'm not sure how to continue blogging without doing some of these things. But, I'm also not sure that I'm ready to stop altogether. That's what this next 40-days is for. For me to speak to God, daily. Then, listen to what He has to say to me about this space. After all, it was His vision to begin with.

I also want you to know that during this time I do not intend to give up or take a break from the relationships I've made through blogging. I will still be reading and commenting on all my favorite blogs. I will be still reachable by email, and will be posting lots of photos on Instagram (of course). You will also see me posting or making appearances on a few other blogs this month, since I had already made the commitments to sponsor and/or guest post.

Now, as I leave this space quiet for the next 40-days, I have thought a lot about what the last words of this post should be. As usual, the word of God speaks the truth better than I ever could. So, I will leave you with the two verses that have inspired me lately...

Because your love is better than life, my lips with glorify you.

Psalm 63:3

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13