Mirror, Mirror

Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror everyday and hate what you see? I do. Every day I fight with my negative inner voice, the one I believe comes from Satan. Every time I look in the mirror he reminds me of my physical imperfections. He shares his thoughts on my hair, face, body, weight, and much more. I go into battle daily, and sometimes it's just exhausting.

I have struggled with with body image for as long as I can remember. Even as a young girl, I remember crying about my hair...why it couldn't be like everybody else's. I would pray to God most nights, that if He could make my hair straight while I slept, I would be so grateful. I would do anything. But, every morning I would wake up, and my hair would be the same. I would be the same.

In high school and college, I struggled with food. Partly because I experienced an undiagnosed physical condition, which appeared to be related to stress, that caused horrible stomach aches and dizziness. I began not eating. And, kept not eating. It felt better, but not good enough.

My husband tells me daily that I am beautiful. I struggle to believe him. I trust that it is what he thinks, but I don't believe it to be true.

When I was pregnant with each of my children, I worried, which I don't think is uncommon. However, one of the things I worried about was that my children wouldn't love me. Not because I feared being a bad mother, but because I was afraid they would look and me and not fall in love. Is that crazy?

I have always hated looking at photos of myself. It is not difficult for me to look at a photo and find my imperfections. Awkward stance. Goofy expression. Too much chin skin. Because of this, I frequently avoided being in photos.

Then, what do I do? I go and start a blog. I put myself on the Internet. On Instagram. Not only do I put my writing, my thoughts, out there for everyone to see, but I put my photos too. What was I thinking?

Honestly, I don't think I was. It was God who was thinking for me. It was His voice that prompted me to start writing again. It was part of His plan for my life to have this space to share...everything. Didn't He know how hard it would be for me to look at my photos - on the Internet! - everyday? I think He did. And, I think that's one of the reasons why He did it. Because, he knew it would be hard.

For day 27 of the scripture challenge, I posted this verse:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. 

- Psalms 139:23, 24 (NLT)

God has searched me, tested me and led me through this blog. He continues to ask me to do hard things. I have done so much more than I could have ever imagined here. And, I am excited to do more. Even if that means more photos, more exposure of my perceived flaws and imperfections.

When I look into the mirror each day, I try to see the creation of God. The person that was created in His image, who is fearfully and wonderfully made. His masterpiece. It is not easy. But, I will continue to fight the devil. I want him to be worried about me.

SOURCE

From Psalms {Scripture Challenge}

This and That

It's Monday. The first one in the past three weeks that I have had to go to work. I was really getting used to having longer weekends! Even though we only had two days off this weekend, we managed to get a lot done and have a little fun, too. Here's a little glimpse into our weekend...

Friday night was our elementary school's father/daughter dance. M took the girls. Don't they look adorable?

On Saturday, I hosted a Jewel Kade (just love this jewelry...thinking about selling it...like I need one more thing to do) party in the afternoon, which means that I spent the morning cleaning the house. I also decided it was time to bring my mantle into spring. I don't typically change my mantle for the seasons, but I hadn't done anything with it since I took down my Christmas stockings and decorations, so it was looking pretty bare.

I scoured my cupboards and closets for spring-like decor. I also went through each room in the house, searching for items I could use for the mantle. And, added some fresh flowers. Here's what I came up with...

Saturday night was family movie night. The girls chose Monsters, Inc. and Chinese food. Nothing beats dinner and a movie, picnic style, in the living room.

Also, gave O a haircut on Saturday night. He was well overdue for a cut, but we had been putting it off because of our crazy schedule the past two weeks, in addition to him being sick. O tolerates having his haircut now, but it still makes him very uncomfortable. It takes two of us, the proper technology and just the right amount of protective layers (aka towels) to get him through without incident.

I snapped this photo of him following his post-haircut bath. He was all smiles, then.

After church on Sunday, my husband graciously took the dreaded weekly visit to the grocery store off my hands. As a result, this was my view for the afternoon and much of the evening. 

I sat, on the couch, with my laptop, trying to entertain a four-year old boy, while attempting to prepare blog posts, write evaluation reports and record data for reading assessments. 

Another weekend ends and another week begins... 

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