When Everything is Okay

It's October. Sensory Awareness Month. So, I feel like I should write. Lately, though, my words have been few. Some days I feel as if I've lost the ability to string my words together. Everything seems so chaotic, separate and disconnected. My words have been a reflection of that. 
I wonder if that's what it's like for O when his body can't interpret the sensory information in his environment. Chaotic. Separate. Disconnected. 
Yesterday, I took O to the dentist. We waited. He had his appointment and then we waited some more. It was in the waiting that he was most anxious. In that idle time. In the waiting room full of children and their parents. As each name was called, he waited to hear his own. When would he be chosen? When would we get to leave?

There are many days when I forget. Forget how it used to be. When we first began our journey into understanding O's difficulties with sensory processing.
Things are different now. Yet, so much is the same. 
I still consider his feelings, opinions and potential reactions before anyone else's. I still evaluate each day - each circumstance - based on how I think he will respond. But, I also pray more. For him and with him. Yesterday, I talked to him about the power of Jesus and how it was within us, helping us to be brave. It's a lesson I'm still learning, but it seemed right for him, too. 
Not long ago I actually forgot to bring O's food when we went to my sister's house for dinner. What?! Maybe it had been a crazy day. Or, maybe it had been such a "normal" day that his dietary restrictions slipped my mind. Even though it had my husband scrambling to the nearest McDonald's right before meal time, it seemed significant that I forgot. It felt normal. That never would have happened before!
There are still areas of pain, though. The look of uncertainty before putting on a new piece of clothing or lining up for school. Resistance to trying new foods - or even enjoying old favorites. Creating rules for his toys, time and relationships that cannot be broken. Separation. Chaos. Disconnection.
But, even in the midst of those, God has continued to provide us with glimpses into the fullness of joy. Playing catch in the backyard. Riding a bike. Flying paper airplanes with good friends. Telling jokes at the dinner table. Laughing at his favorite books. 
In the weeks since school started, there have been many days that I've stood with O on the playground, waiting for the bell to ring. 
He says, "I'm scared." 
And, I say, "It's okay to be scared. You're going to be okay." 
One day, I realized something. Those are O's initials - O.K. So, I started telling him, "You're going to be O.K. Because you already are O.K." It made him smile. The more I said it, the bigger he smiled. Of course, as many things go with O, it has now become our routine - most mornings that I drop him off, I have to remind him that he is O.K. I don't mind this routine...because it's a good reminder for me too.
Maybe that's what I needed to say today. To O, to you and to me. That everything is O.K. Even though it doesn't always feel that way.

Give Up

For many years I said no. No to freedom. No to passion. No to abundance. As I look back, I don't think I was even aware I was doing it. I didn't know any better. Because, who would knowingly refuse any of these things?

What I also didn't realize was that by saying no to these things I also saying to no to an intimate knowledge of God and his desire to work within and through me. Why? Because most of the time saying yes didn't make sense. And, I'm the kind of person that likes things to make sense.

I'm not saying that I never prayed or didn't believe. I did.  I had a life that pleased me and in some ways - I hope - God too. It was safe and comfortable. I did good things. I was a good person. But, I wasn't living a life of complete surrender. My joy was not complicated or courageous. 

Although I believed all the right things about God, I didn't recognize my need for Christ or my need for freedom. I was a Christian and I was a good person. I thought I was free. It wasn't until I initiated my journey of obedience, with small steps of courage and faith, that I began to see what a captive I had been to goodness, comfort, fear and doubt. I had been trying to do it on my own. God had offered me the free gift of grace and instead of accepting it without guilt or the sense of debt, I continued to try and pay him for it, to show him and everyone else that I was worthy of their love and approval. That I had earned it.

I'm still not sure exactly how or why things began to change. Except that I started to make room for him. I started to listen to that still, small voice, which even though it had been there all along, had been crowded out by those competing voices - of fear, doubt, pride, perfectionism. They had interfered with my ability to receive and take action.

My moments of obedience began with this blog and have been numerous since then. Many of them are recorded here. Some are not. In fact, there are some that I may not even be aware of. But, God is aware of them all. 

With each one has come more courage, more freedom, more willingness to give up those competing voices. To recognize that I am nothing and have nothing without God. Yet, with him...

Freedom is only possible through the finished work of Christ, 

and it lives on the other side of belief and surrender. 

- Jennie Allen, Anything

A little over a year ago, Matt and I prayed this anything prayer. Giving up everything in order to experience anything God had for us. It was difficult. And, I still find myself needing to pray it repeatedly. To remind myself that there really is freedom in surrender. If I take the time to look and listen, to push aside those competing voices, which cloud my vision and impair my ability to hear, I can see what God has done with that prayer, with our open hands.

He has filled them with new friends, plane tickets, leadership opportunities, honest conversations, SPD miracles and so much more. 

Then there are the new things, the ones that are happening right now -  a gathering of women I will be hosting at my home next month and the summer Bible study at my church...

God birthed in me the idea of gathering women from my local area together while I attended IF: Gathering in February. Before I even left the building after the last session, I sent a message to a friend who was attending an IF: Local gathering in my home town. It said this:

God has really impressed upon me that we need a vision for unleashing IF in [our city]. I don't want to let another year go by without gathering women from churches together to talk about how to make Christ known in our city. I would love to get together to discuss with anyone who is interested. It may be that you have something you're doing that's already working that you want to share, so people can join you. It may be that you have an idea that you want to see become a reality. It may be that you don't know what to do but you know something needs to be done. Whatever it is, we need to be together on it, because we will be stronger that way!

As a result of a series of steps and missteps, I will be hosting about a dozen women - who serve in different churches in my area - in my home in mid-July. My vision is for this to be a time for us to get to know each other - our passions, areas of ministry, gifts and dreams. It will also be a time to share ideas, resources and conversation. I am excited to see what God will do through this group and beyond.

But, before that happens, I will begin leading a Bible study at my own church. I led a study last year and was blessed by the experience. This year, God asked me not only to lead, but also to write my own study. My initial response...But, I have not studied the Bible formally. I have never written my own study. Part of anything, right?

I still don't know what this will look like. And, these past few weeks, as I've attempted to prepare to lead, I've been wrestling with some hard stuff. Internal dialogue. Those voices again. But, God continues to speak, as I strain to hear his voice. He has said, I created this. I will sustain it.

So, now I'm praying anything...for this study and July gathering, waiting to see what God will do. How will he sustain and what will he produce with his creations?

Are you willing to pray anything? To give up your life? He has promised freedom, redemption and restoration when you do.

Drawing the Line

Over the past several months I have been asking God to reveal himself to me in fresh, new ways. So, it was of no surprise to me when I was standing in line at Target on Saturday morning and heard this message, I'm the one that draws the line.
Although, it was just before 10:00 am on Saturday morning, Target was already packed. I had been there over an hour, trying to get all my shopping done in one place - clothes, shoes, food, beauty items, prescriptions and anything else I could think of - when I was finally ready to check-out. There were only a few lanes open and the lines were long. I took the opportunity to scroll through my coupons on Cartwheel - since I never seem to remember to do this before or while I shop. 
There was a woman behind me, who after a few minutes, demanded to the clerk that she call for extra help due to the length of the lines. The clerk responded nervously, indicating that she would and then went right on checking my items. The lady behind me seemed furious; I kept hearing her make noises and comments to the child she had with her. In a matter of minutes, mad lady said something to the child I couldn't quite hear and then walked swiftly past me, abandoning her cart.
I was shocked. My first thought was...why would you spend all that time shopping and then leave the store with nothing to show for it? Her behavior didn't make sense to me. She was obviously frustrated by the wait time, yet I assumed that she needed the items she had in her cart. I chatted a bit about mad lady's behavior with the woman that was checking my items. Neither of us were angry or judgmental. We were simply confused.
But, the voice in my head was appalled at mad lady's behavior. It seemed so ridiculous. That's when I heard that other voice. The still, small one that I am often too busy and distracted to hear. The one I had been struggling to hear all week. 

The news stories of the past few weeks have been weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I have been reading and re-reading the opinions of news reporters, bloggers and even read quotes from the individuals themselves. Yet, questions still plagued me. Did the parents do enough? Did that person go too far, change too much? Where do you draw the line?
In John, chapter 8 Jesus draws a line in the sand, so to speak. As the story goes, there are several religious men who bring to Jesus a woman caught in adultery. They want her stoned. Jesus bends down and writes or draws something in the dust. Then, he says, "All right, but let anyone who has never sinned throw the first stone." (John 8:7) No one throws anything. No one crosses the figurative line. And, Jesus knows why. Because he could see their hearts. He was the only one who had the power to judge, convict and forgive - completely.
We all move through the world in the same state - broken and beloved - and...we're all in need of healing and grace.  Rachel Held Evans, Searching for Sunday
I still don't know where I would draw the line given a certain set of circumstances, how far I'd go to protect or what lengths I would go to get something I felt I needed. But, I do know that Jesus has the answer. 
Therefore, it's in all situations - whether it's a decision related to abandoning my cart at Target or one more morally or ethically loaded - that I need to seek wisdom from the one who knows, sees and forgives all. 
He's the one that draws the line. The line of sin and judgment. The one which he took upon himself. So that all could be set free.