The Big Picture

Last week was full of discouragement. There was nothing direct, no specific words anyone used, no specific event that occurred. In fact, I received many encouraging words from my husband, family, co-workers and friends. My discouragement was internal, a battle that I often wage, but this week seemed worse.

Mostly I struggled with letting go, not being in control. Especially, in the case of this blog. Although I know people are reading, as I have had several comments and "likes," I want to know who's reading, who's sharing, if I am making an impact.  I want to know if what I'm saying resonates with you or anyone you know. I want to know if what I'm saying sounds crazy to you. I feel like I need more feedback. Honestly, I want to feel like I have some sort of control over what's happening here in this space. And, even though I know that I don't, the illusion of control is sometimes nice.

Control. I think it's one of those things that we all want, that we all desire. I know that it's true for me. But, how many things in my life do I really have control over? Not that many. If I'm truly honest, probably none! And, I need to figure out a way for that to be okay, because if it's not, I will continue feeling like I did last week...discouraged, anxious and unworthy.

Intellectually, I know that I need to let go. Especially since I have someone, some thing that I know is in control. That should make me feel better, right? Honestly, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. In particular, with this blog. It's one of the things that I need to just let go. Especially since I believe that these are really not my words. These are words that come to me while I'm walking or running, driving or when I'm trying to sleep. I write them down so that I can process through them, and in the hope that someone else might read them and be impacted by them. But, I have no control over how many people read or how many people are impacted.

Control. It's one of those things I think everyone wants a little more of. It's one of the top reasons why adolescents and young adults develop eating disorders, because something in their life has made them feel out of control and eating is the only thing they have control over. They can control what they eat. They can control how much. And, they can control what they do after they eat.

I think control is also one of the reasons that my son is restrictive with his eating. While there are many textures of foods that he avoids and is unsure about trying, it's also become about control. Because there are times that he may feel out of control, knowing that he can choose what he eats, when he eats, and knowing that he doesn't have to eat certain things, gives him control.

I think we're all searching for a way to be in control. Ultimately, though, we must realize that we are part of a big picture, a big plan, that started a long time ago, long before we were even born. That started with the beginning of time. And, God knew. He knows the whole plan, he sees the whole picture, even when we can only see the pieces. In Jeremiah it says,

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. 

“They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." 

(Jeremiah 29:11 NLT)

And that is what I need to focus on above anything else, that I am part of a bigger picture. Part of a bigger plan. I do play role in it. And, I need to know that anything I do is a part of that plan. I may not find out how I fit in the plan today or tomorrow. I may even leave this world and never know what role I played. But, I know that I want to contribute to it. That's one of reasons I'm writing. That's one of the reasons that I'm trying to be a different person. To be someone who is a part of the plan, not someone who lets the plan pass me by.

I shared this verse on Facebook other day...

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps. (Proverbs 16:9 NLT)

To me, this verse is about having a plan, without the knowledge of how I'm going to complete it. I need to rehearse this one everyday. Not knowing about the steps I'm going to take, but knowing that there is a route and a plan. And, trying to follow it the best I can, which means praying and seeking answers and guidance. I feel that many of the things that have come to me lately have been as a result of being more connected to God. So, I need to keep striving for that. I need to remember that it's not about me, it's not even about you, but about being a part of the big picture.