Problems and Prayers

Last night I had a pity party for myself. I wasn't feeling well and was just so tired. I felt defeated! I was not "cool" enough. Nobody liked me enough. I felt ill-equipped to raise my 9-year old. And, the list goes on.

So, I took a hot bath and tried reading my Bible. I found verse after verse that should have given me hope. But, all I could think was...these are just words. I knew that the devil was attacking me in my weakest areas. But, I didn't care. I wanted to let him win. I was tired of fighting. Tired of being the motivator, especially when I was feeling so unmotivated.

I wish I could say that I woke up with a new perspective this morning. That didn't happen. Although I wasn't feeling completely defeated, I felt as if I was limping along in the race of life. I was still tired, still in less than optimum health, and was still unmotivated.

As the day wore on, I got distracted with work, emails, and reading others' blog and Facebook posts. As a result, I started to compare my problems to the problems of others. Soon, the immensity of the problems of last night began to fade and I began to pray for those I know who are hurting, who are in a places of uncertainty, despair and in crises of health.

Although it felt good to do something for others, it did not make me any less tired or unmotivated. Did I still feel hurt, unworthy, and discouraged? Yes. My problems still remained. Do you know why? Because I never stopped to pray for me. I forgot to support and encourage my own spiritual development. I find that I do this often. It seems to be much easier for me to pray for others than for myself.

I had a friend who once commented that I was a "ray of sunshine" as I attempted to provide encouragement to a mutual friend. This made me very happy. I was encouraged. However, some days, instead of feeling like the light of the sun, I feel more like fog lights. While I am helping others to see, to be encouraged, the light doesn't help me to see any more clearly.

So, while I will continue the new work of encouragement, friendship, and ministry that I feel God is calling me to, I must also start praying for me, encouraging me. Otherwise, I may never truly see all that God is trying to teach me.