Notice Me

I love reading. It is one of my favorite hobbies. I have been contemplating lately ways to make it possible to read while I sleep or get ready for work or even while I'm driving. Any ideas?
When I was younger, I often chose reading over other activities. Instead of swimming with my sisters, I would sit by the pool and read while they swam. I took a book with me everywhere, so that in any spare moment I could continue my journey into someone else's story.
Now, as an adult, working mother of three, I have less of those spare moments. And, when I have them I often find myself taking a peek at my phone, checking emails, status updates and the latest photos on Instagram. 
It was during the season of lent this year, when I decided to take a break from social media every evening, that I noticed how much time I actually spent with my face in my phone. I didn't know what to do with myself during those hours, when I had vowed to fast from social media. I became bored. Especially in the evening hours, after my kids had gone to bed, on the nights when my husband was out of town, that I felt restless and uncomfortable. But, it was out of that feeling of uneasiness that God created something in me. An ability to notice. My house. My kids. My husband. My Bible. The book on my nightstand that I had been neglecting. 
It was during that time that I made a conscious decision, even after lent had ended, not to make social media my focus. Although I still check emails, status updates and view the lives of my cyber friends through photos, it is not my priority. My life, the people and things that are going on around me have become more important.
When life is going well, this take-notice attitude is easy. When the things to notice are bike-riding successes, family dinners, movie nights and belly laughs. However, when life is difficult and fraught with discouragement, as it has been for me the last few weeks, that's when I wish for that escape. That's when I hole up inside myself and resist letting those close to me into my pain and frustration.
However, last Friday, it finally came out. It was a generally down day for me and everything that anyone said caused me to heap more guilt and judgement upon myself. That's why, when my husband called me to tell me he had one stop to make before he was heading home, I did what no wife should ever do to their husband or loved one over the phone. I started crying. Hard, ugly tears. I told him of my failures, doubts and many of the reasons why he should no longer love me or trust me with our children.
He said few words, as by the time I had finished my rant, he had arrived at his destination. We would talk about this later. I was sure.
That night, as we were winding down, getting the kids ready for bed, he sat in his chair with his laptop. I knew he must have work to do and continued to do life around him. At times, this has frustrated me. His need to work in the evenings. But I had been trying hard lately to give him this space and time to handle his business, without resentment.
After the kids were in bed, I sat on the couch and Matt came over with his laptop. He said, "Now, I'm going to convince you why you are wrong." I immediately tensed, knowing he was playing his I'm-a-man-and-I'm-going-to-fix-it card. He was going to use logic to help me see the error of my emotions. This never works.
But, he surprised me. Instead of giving me practical solutions to my problems, he proceeded to share with me the list of 20 things he had written. Twenty positive ways in which our family, house and circumstances had changed in the past nine months because of things God had done through me. 

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Then, he said, "And, that was only in five minutes. I'm sure there are more." I was speechless. And, of course, I cried. "Thank you," was all I could say. It didn't solve my problems, but it sure put things into perspective. That list didn't change the anxiety I have about what is to come, but it showed me something important...
Amidst all the memories, mix tapes, sideways glances and flirtatious smiles, weekend getaways and fancy dinners, it was the most romantic thing Matt has ever done for me. In our close-to 14 years of marriage and nearly 20 years of doing life together, he still notices me. It was beautiful. Better than any story I could read in a book. 
Because, it is my story.