Tonight. I am feeling stuck. Not just because I am in a dark room, with the only light coming from the computer screen, because my sick, six-year old begged me not to leave the room. And, not just because I was looking through old blog posts earlier today and found myself wishing for the days when I was confident thin enough to post photos of myself in fun, bold outfits. It's these things and so much more.
Lately, I've been struggling to understand God's plan. I want to hear his voice now more than ever, but I just can't be certain what he is saying. I've been spending more time in prayer and studying the Bible, yet I still feel like he is distant...or, maybe I am. I think I am blaming him for leading me away from the dreams I believe he birthed in me. Speak. Tell your story. Okay. Write a book. Share your fears and how I have transformed them. Sure. Pursue these dreams. I will.
Then, came the walls. No more opportunities to speak. No time or inspiration to write. Did I hear you right? Was that what you really asked? Discouragement and doubts about these dreams fill my mind. I'm stuck, paralyzed by the fear to move forward because I don't want to do the wrong thing and because I wonder if there really is a "thing" for me to do.
I'm in a holding pattern, because of comparison. Lack of confidence. Weariness. Exhaustion.
Today I read a post by Ann Voskamp and watched a video of Priscilla Shirer, which both spoke to my need for answers...
"We want clarity -- and God gives a call.
We want a road map --- and God gives a relationship.
We want answers -- and God gives His hand."
- Ann Voskamp
Take what God is giving you now and be obedient to it. This will open the door for him to disclose more.
-Priscilla Shirer
I feel like God is saying...Look up. Choose me. Take my hand. Give me room to move. I have the answers.
I don't have all the answers. But, I know that I have been called and sent by the one who created the universe. He does not make mistakes. I need to have faith - boldly acting in the belief - that not only does God have the answers, but that he will reveal them to me at just the right time. In the meantime...focus on the relationship, not the search for a road map. Pray, listen, and obey.
3 comments:
I have struggled with this too. I felt led to write and speak, yet the opportunities dried up and I was left feeling like an idiot. I kept wondering, did I hear Him wrong? And then I would tell myself, of course you did. Why would He use you?? It was awful! Satan was having a field day with my mind. I realized that I don't have to see big mountains move to move mountains. I, just like you, am making a Kingdom difference because of how I love and who I love on. The checker at the grocery store that we are kind to, the garbage man we tell thank you, the child we hold and snuggle with...all of these people are feeling Jesus's love come from us. Hold your head high. You are a child of God's and Jesus smiles at your beauty.
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I am so sorry that you are in a tough season of knowing your purpose. But, I promise, it's just a season. We all go through these feelings...heck, I do on a DAILY basis. You just have to remember how lucky you are to have your family, a home, your health, friends that love you and God who will lead you even when you don't think He is. Chin up! And I LOVE Priscilla Shirer. She has come to our church many times. I could listen to her for hours. xoxo
I think sometimes we ask for a sign, or direction, and when we get one (or think we get one) we go "Okay, this is IT. This is THE thing I am supposed to do for the Lord." But maybe it's just what we are supposed to do in that moment, to give us an opportunity to listen and obey.
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