As much as I hate to admit it, the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. This is what I do...berate myself for the past, which leaves me stuck in this cycle of negativity. Because the more time I spend thinking about what went wrong, the less time I spend in the present, trying to make improvements for the future.
Why do I do this? Here are some of the reasons:
Focusing on the negative leaves room for surprises. I wrote a little about this in my Two Words for 2013 post. I'm the type of person who would rather be surprised because I was thinking the worst, than disappointed because I was wishing for the best.
While I do this with many things, I think I do it most with those issues related to O and his struggles with sensory processing. It is difficult for me to focus on his progress and feel good about the better days, because I am always wondering when the next bad day will be, or what new quirk is lurking behind the door, waiting to replace the behavior we have extinguished. This is just one reason I need to incorporate more hope in 2013.
What if I fail. This is the same reason I have avoided choosing a plan for reading through the Bible this year. A year is a big commitment. But, trying to do it in less time, seems unrealistic. What if I don't get through it? Consequently, I am stuck. I have not chosen a plan. (Note: By the time this publishes, I hope to have a plan in place).
I don't deserve my life. That seems like a crazy thing to say, I know. But, I must be honest. Most days, that is how I feel. I should affirm these blessings, this life God has given me. While I know that I could never DO anything to deserve what I have been given, I must accept the blessings that God, in His grace, has gifted to me. That's one reason why I chose blessing as one of my words for 2013.
Do you remember that scene in The Lion King, where the crazy monkey hits Simba over the head with his stick? When Simba gets upset, the monkey says, "It's in the past." Meaning, don't worry about it. Let's move on. Stop living in the past. Think about what you're going to do next.
Okay, I realize much of this is implied. I also realize that I'm taking life lessons from a Disney cartoon. But, you get the idea.
It's time for me to start looking toward tomorrow with hope, knowing that I did the best I could with today's blessings.