Battles and Balance

Things had been going well for O lately. He made the transition to kindergarten beautifully and is even ending his first season of soccer. And, while there have been bumps along the way, they have been relatively small and easy to navigate.

However, I have started noticing a change in O's ability to handle those smaller bumps with as much ease as he had been. While he is still keeping it together at school, his inability to handle the stress is evident at home.

This time of year is typically difficult for him. Fall means changes in weather, clothing, and the beginning of the holiday season. All the changes are difficult. Especially when you are an individual who doesn't just like routine, but needs it.

Last week was Red Ribbon Week at my kids' school. During this week every year, the schools in our area focus on creating a fun-filled week for the kids, which teaches them the dangers of drugs and alcohol, in a creative way. This is a positive program, with a lot of value. However, for O, this week is full of things that cause change in his routine and what he has come to expect from kindergarten.

Monday was crazy hair/crazy clothes day. I had a conversation with O that morning about how silly his friends would look because of this special day. He hid under a blanket during the entire conversation, and for the first time, since the first day of school, said, I don't want to go.

When we got to school he was hesitant to go into the classroom, everyone just looked too crazy. Once he realized that the crazy hair didn't necessarily mean that things would be different in the classroom, he was okay. But, for the rest of the week, every time we drove by the school, he asked about those red ribbons on the trees and why they were still there. It's only for this week, I said, every time.

Life with O is a balancing act. We are constantly struggling to make sure we are keeping him comfortable and monitoring his anxiety, yet putting him in situations where his coping skills can be tested and stretched. Usually that means preparing him in advance for situations that may provoke anxiety.

For example, last week O's kindergarten class also took a trip to the pumpkin patch, on a school bus. I knew that the bus could potentially cause anxiety for O, for several reasons: smell, number of kids in close proximity, new experience, and I'm sure more that I don't even know about. So, his teacher and I began talking to him, about the field trip and the bus. Then, I had an idea.

I had seen a bus driver dropping off a student for afternoon kindergarten on the days I picked O up from school. So, one day I asked him if O and I could take a walk through the bus. He was more than willing. As I expected, O didn't even want to go on the bus with me, but he did it. We found things on the bus he liked, like the color of the seats and the fact that each of the rows was numbered - he loves numbers!

The day of the field trip arrived and I didn't notice any anxiety until we got to the classroom. There were 56 kids there instead of the normal 27, because the am and pm kinders were going together on the field trip. He sat with me until the routine (e.g. announcements, singing, stories, etc.) of the day started, then he was fine.

He rode the bus without issue and seemed completely regulated when he got to the pumpkin patch. That was a huge win!

WAITING IN LINE, AFTER GETTING OFF THE BUS

Last year I wrote about our family's trip to this pumpkin patch and O's avoidance of the suspension bridge. Well, this time, he went over the bridge. He held onto me the whole time, as I whispered encouraging words, but he did it. Another win!

After that, however, he had reached his limit. No other stretching could be done. He needed routine and stability. He needed his big squeezes and special water bottle to drink from. He needed me. And, I was grateful that I was able to be there with him.

O AND I CALMING DOWN, WHILE SITTING ON BALES OF HAY

FINALLY! HE GOT TO PICK HIS PUMPKIN.

As I drove to work later that afternoon, I thought about the morning and cried and cried. I also stopped for lunch at In-n-Out burger (I'm a bit of a stress eater).

I was so proud of what O had accomplished that day. But, I was still so sad. I realized why. At least that day, I wanted O to do well, for him and for me, but mostly for his peers. I wanted to prevent a melt down because I didn't want any of his friends, or their parents, to see it. He has been making friends and playing well with the boys in his class and I didn't want that to be jeopardized in any way. I didn't want them to know he was different.

Now, I just have one more thing to worry about. Will they treat him differently now? Will their parents judge me for the decisions I made? Maybe they won't even remember. Maybe it really doesn't matter, in the long-run. But, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, now.

I tried to talk to one of the mom's about it. She asked, Won't he grow out of it? I never got the chance to tell her, No, he won't. While he has and will continue to develop ways to cope with his anxiety and SPD, it will never leave him. Some days I think it has gotten easier. He has made so much growth. But there are those other days, like the day of the field trip, that I know that his life will always be harder than most.

What I am so grateful for is the truth in this song. I wrote about it my young warrior post and it has become O's theme song, in my mind. They other night, as I was driving O to soccer practice, the song came on the radio...and he started singing it. I know that he is too young to truly understand the words and their meaning. But, I am grateful that he is beginning to speak and rehearse that truth.

The morning of the pumpkin patch trip, O was with me in the bathroom as I was getting ready to go. I started singing, like I often do. This time he finished the words...

Me:  The God of angel armies...

O:  ...is always by my side.

That's right, buddy. He is.